Lessons to my Child: Between a Rock and a Judgment

 

This picture is floating around the internet and seems to be centered around relationship building and understanding, but I don’t see it that way. To me this is a lesson on basic human understanding, judgment, empathy and compassion.

 Similar to how others have interpreted what is happening, when you first look at the picture you see a man trying to save a woman (relationship unknown). But that’s only the first layer, the first circumstance. When you look at it further, there seems to be a rock crushing the man at the top, and a hidden snake biting the woman’s arm inside the cliff. Now you might think, okay, so what does this mean?

Well, what if the woman is thinking, as she barely struggles to hold on, finger by finger, “why isn’t the man trying harder to save me? He should be strong and be able to lift me up, why is he only putting half the effort in??” But what the woman can’t see from her angle is that the man is being crushed by a rock on his back. But alas, he’s still trying to save her despite his obvious pain and suffering. He is doing his absolute best, and meanwhile the woman thinks he isn’t doing enough.  And the man might be thinking, “I am trying so hard to lift her up but she’s barely even trying to help herself!! How can I be expected to do all the work!?” But what he doesn’t see is the woman is getting bitten by the snake that’s crawling out of the cliff, and she’s afraid to use the ledge to help herself climb up because of the snake.

 Now this may be a strange example. I can't think of any situation where this might actually happen, but you never know! But that’s not the point, it’s the basic lesson of human empathy behind it.

We are ALL going through something, most of us are struggling with our demons, grievances, memories, fears, worries, every day. Maybe a physiologic disease or a psychiatric disease, emotional struggles, family struggles, marital struggles, losses, anything, what it "is" is different for everyone. One persons “something” might feel a lot worse to one person vs another, but that doesn’t matter. That person is still going through a difficult time. That person is still being crushed by a rock while someone else judges them for why they aren’t doing more.

 I post this on my motherhood blog because this is a lesson I not only want to share, but one I want my daughter to grow up knowing. It is basic human nature to wonder about other people, and often times our thought processes make us jump to conclusions and judgments that either aren’t true or we aren’t seeing the whole picture, thus we can never make an accurate assumption about what that person is going through. Even the people we love and know best, we can always jump to conclusions too fast.

 I want my daughter to grow up to always think, if she for a second has an impulse to judge someone for their actions, behaviors, looks, life-choices, clothing, etc, I want her to always stop and think, what could this person be going through? What else may be happening to explain this action I am witnessing? We can’t always help. Often times help isn’t wanted, we are unable, or its purely just not our business. But what we can do is try to understand. To think what rock might be crushing this person that is behaving this way? What snake is attacking this person behaving that way?

 

I try and practice this train of thought every day. Multiple times a day. And its hard! As someone speeds past me on the right hand lane when the rest of us hundred cars are in traffic trying to merge because a lane is closing, instead of letting my blood boil, I try to think of why that man might be in such a rush? Maybe his own daughter is very ill in the backseat, or his wife is in labor, or his mother is dying right now in the hospital, I don't know. I have to believe these things because I choose to believe good versus bad when I literally have no power to know what the correct reason was.

 

It’s easier for our brains to put us on the defense, to automatically make us think we are of course, right, and our opinion is always right that we make of someone. I’ve heard it said that we decide what we make lifelong impressions on people within the first 7 seconds of meeting them. Our instinct goes back to cave men fighting threats. The cave man sees a wolf in the wild and immediately analyzes the situation, decides this wolf is trouble and up to no good, and the man goes on the defense to fight the wolf or flee. But maybe the wolf just lost her baby wolf (cub?), or just got separated from its parents, or anything. When we come across behavior, actions or characteristics from other people that WE think are untrustworthy, bad, annoying, poor-parenting, poor life choices, horrible, devilish, etc, we immediately go on the defense. Our first thought on habit is to judge (this man is not strong and doesn’t care about helping me survive this cliff), and then we justify it with our own thoughts (He should be working harder to save me and that’s what I would do if I were him), and we decide that we are right and they are wrong. But we need to change that instinct habit, or at lease instead of letting the thought process continue- we halt it in its track and after we have that “judge mental” thought, we then think of what pressures that person is under? What rocks might be crushing this man? What snake is biting this woman?

 

 

PS I’d like to give credit to the original drawing, but can’t find the source, if anyone knows, let me know!

The Piece You Made With Me

Almost exactly a year ago to this day, I began a new hobby. Prior to that, when making a Christmas list for Christmas 2017, I thought, hey cross stitching looks fun, (and much to my wrong thinking, looks easy). So I picked out a completely random set on Amazon and put it on my list. My husband got me the kit for that Christmas. Right around this time exactly, last January, I was nauseous a lot in the early stages of the pregnancy and I was looking for something to keep my mind off it, especially at nights after work. So I got out the kit and started one night. I had no idea what I was doing and quickly learned this was not going to be easy. I read the directions, and I shook my head and thought to myself, no way. I can’t figure this out. I put the directions back in the kit and resumed watching tv, giving up without even starting. I watched tv for about 5 more minutes, while I stared at the kit next to me on the couch. I picked up the kit again and thought, what the hell? I can at least try. So I got the kit back out, the thread, directions, etc. I still didn’t really know what I was doing. There were color codes for the thread and little numbers next to it like (1), (2), (3), etc., all the way up to 6. What did these mean?? I, of course, ignored it. I figured out the color code and pattern and I began to try and put the thread in the needle. Well, THAT took about 30 minutes my first time, and a lot of frustration (ALMOST leading to the whole thing going back in the kit). I started following the pattern and got about 20 or so stitches done....when the needle literally broke in half. That was it. No more. I was done. This was stupid and stupid to ask for, stupid to try, and it was all stupid. I was giving up. I put it all away again and tossed it aside.

The next night, I looked at the kit again and thought, what did I do wrong? I took it back out and looked at the directions again and saw it...(you professional cross stitchers out there will laugh at this, but remember, I had never done this), but I saw it! Those NUMBERS (1), (2), etc, were telling me how many individual threads were supposed to be used to indicate the thickness of the thread color! Dope me the first time put all six strands in which was way too thick! No wonder it was hard to thread my first time and the needle broke. So now, determined to succeed, I flipped the piece over and started again all over at the other corner and was on my way.

Over the next few nights, I began doing anywhere between 30-60 minutes every single night on this piece. And I made A LOT of mistakes, and still almost thought about giving up many times. It was humbling to work so hard and for so long to feel like I was making so little progress in comparison to the whole picture. But it also occurred to me that the struggles I was facing in the piece, had a strange metaphor to what was going on in my life at the time. I had just recently been asked to cover someone else’s job while they were on maternity leave, a job not only I had never done before, knew very little about, did not have the correct resources/clearances to do said job, had no training to do job, no preparation, and we had just gone live with a software that this job was right in the middle of it all. Oh, and I was in my own first trimester with Abby and nauseous, VERY nauseous, every single day. Needless to say, life was kind of a stressful mess! But as I sat there at night working on my piece, I felt that even though it felt I was making little progress in comparison to the entire huge piece that seemed like it would never get done, I could get one stitch done at a time. If I could make one stitch, that was one more stitch that I had the day prior and I would slowly make progress. And it hit me, that’s all I could do at my job to stay sane. If I could at least show up and get a little done each day, without stressing myself out about the "entire piece" then I could manage that. If I could figure out how to correct my mistakes and set backs in my cross stitch, then I could figure out how to move past challenges and set backs in my job, too. The stitch also provided a way for me to spend time at night not thinking about work and just relaxing throughout the pregnancy.

I continued on, every night, and my job began to let up. The person came back from leave and I finished that "duty", but then got asked to cover someone else’s maternity leave that had a similar job. Luckily I at least knew more about that persons job role and had prior experience in it, so I was a lot less stressed. I began to feel that as Abby was growing bigger in the womb, she was connected to the cross stitch as they began to grow together. We sat for hours on weeknights and weekends together, feeling her kick and getting through the nausea, migraines, etc, together, as we worked on the piece. It felt so good to see progress as I was starting to make out actual shapes, i.e. I made a tree! A fence! A shed! It’s actually looks like something! Each stitch I had worked so hard for, it was beginning to look like something!

But of course there were set backs. Not only hundreds of mistakes (I am still SO confused as to how I could possibly so diligently follow the pattern and yet was constantly running into errors!) but then there was the BIG set back. I was about to go on a work trip. I was packing for the trip and wanted to bring my cross stitch as something to do when I was alone in the hotel room at night, probably nauseous. I put it INSIDE my suitcase on top of all my stuff, I closed the lid but I hadn’t zippered the suitcase yet as I intended to still put a few last minute things in. I had a late day flight and that morning decided to take a nap before having to go to the airport. Well, right as I went in to go collect my suitcase before final preparations to leave for the airport, there my piece was, on the floor, shredded!!! My DOG, my sweet angel but PSYCHO dog who thinks she is a GOAT with how attracted to paper she is, had completely torn up my pattern. I sat down in tears after yelling at the dog and picked up my piece, which I thought was a complete goner. LUCKILY she SOMEHOW must not have been able to eat the piece itself and was just interested in the paper pattern sheet, which was now officially in shreds! So I still had my piece. I ordered a whole new kit on Amazon so that I could get a new pattern sheet. I had to sit there and cross out all the stitches I had already done and probably lost a good 2 weeks on the process. But, like other challenges, we persevered.

Then a complete new development happened. I was regularly posting updates on my piece on facebook, and my aunt had noticed something very peculiar. She picked up that the piece actually was a picture of a place. It was the Mabry mill along the Blue Ridge parkway in Virginia. All this time I thought it was just a pretty picture. Then for my aunt to recognize it and it was a real place!? What became even more goosebumpy, was that turns out, according to my Aunt and seconded by other family members, turns out the Mabry Mill on the Blue Ridge Parkway was one of my grandmothers FAVORITE places to visit when traveling. This really struck on a heartstring for me, as my grandmother had passed away 7 years ago. So to have completely randomly picked a cross stitch piece on Amazon, persevere through all the challenges and continue on, and then to realize it was a picture of my grandmothers favorite place? It felt like more than a coincidence. As I continued stitching every night, it felt like not only was I doing it with Abby in the womb, but also with my grandmother watching over my shoulder, too.

Here is the Mabry Mill in real life:

As we counted down the days to our due date, I tried desperately to finish before she came. I had this fear that once a new mom when she was born, I would never have time to do stitching ever again. I feared I had come so far, so close to finishing, only to let it sit unfinished for the next 20 years til I could pick it up again. I didn’t want to let myself down, Abby down, my grandmother down.
But, It was unrealistic. I couldn’t finish before she came. So she came! And yes, the first month or so of Abby being here, I didn’t touch it. For multiple reasons. I was too tired. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to focus on it, I couldn’t focus on it. I didn’t want to get the whole thing out and start stitching only to have her cry and I would have to put the whole thing away again. I wouldn’t label it as post partum depression, but the first month or so post partum, the whole artistic side of me kind of felt shut down. Like mom-mode was so dominant during that time, the tiredness, it all took over and I couldn’t possibly think about doing anything related to art, or my stitch.

After a month or so, I still didn’t want to stitch. Like, I really didn’t want to. I resented it. I felt pressure now to do it, like getting a masters dissertation done after years of procrastination. Now it just felt like something I felt pressured to do, because it had meant so much to me before the birth. But deep inside me, way deep deep down, I knew the answer to it all was to try. I had to try to finish.
So, very similar to how I started back in January 2018, one stitch at a time, I resumed again just so, one stitch at a time. And it did something miraculous. One stitch at a time, each stitch started rebuilding that part of my brain, the artistic side, the me side. It started pulling me out of the post partum funk, reminding me of who I am and what I like to do, and that it was OKAY to work on fun things even with a baby. So on maternity leave, while she napped, I got about an hour or so each day to continue working on it. In December 2018 I FINALLY got it done!

And you know what? There are SOOOOO many mistakes. Like, so, so, so many. Probably over a hundred. And of course one mistake leads to others, naturally, as the pattern has to rework itself. It’s a miracle it turned out even looking like something at all. But, you know what else? To me, its another metaphor about it all. It felt like a metaphor for MY OWN SELF. The mistakes is what made it perfect, to me. It made it unique, technically it was like no other piece, even if they had the same pattern. It was it's own snow flake. And the fact that there were so many mistakes but still came out to be beautiful, gave me hope that in my life there are so many mistakes that have happened over the years but that is what makes me who I am today. And its all still so beautiful. Deep.


So I look at the finished piece today, framed and in my living room as a daily reminder that:
1. Life is all about getting one stitch done at a time.
2. Mistakes are what make life beautiful.
3. Each challenge might seem insurmountable but is indeed eventually possible to overcome in some way.
4. My grandmother is still always watching over me.
5. Art, any kind of art, can help pull a new mom back to herself. Art can do wonderful things for the brain!

I hope to get to visit the Mabry mill in person one day! Life is short. Life is fascinating. It is a small, weird strange world. And I love it.

This piece is for my grandmother. This piece is for Abby. This piece is for me. 

Thank you for reading.

Here is the final piece:

Matrescence: A New Stage of Life

Hello everyone!

We are doing pretty great here. Little Abby is still growing like a champ and is 5 months old! It is fascinating watching her learn new skills and seeing progression and connections in her brain. Something she can't do one week, she might be able to do the next week. Her personality thus far is pretty calm and observant. She likes to play but also just enjoys watching every thing and every one. When she sits at a dinner table with me and lots of others, she doesn't want to be towards me on my shoulder, she wants to see everyone and be in the know of what's going on. I foresee her going on to be a very curious and observant child, similar to her parents!


Do you know what I find curious? The fact that when I write "Matrescence" it shows up with that ugly red line under it, indicating it's not a word. That's the problem. It needs to be a word. It needs to be a word just as much as "adolescence" is a word, or "adult". What is it? Dr. Alexander Sacks coined the term, meaning the stage in which a woman is transitioning to being a new mother. A woman goes through a lot of new, scary, different physiological and psychological feelings during this time that often times she is not prepared for. Everyone knows about "adolescence", the transition between childhood and adulthood, where emotions are all over the place, the body is changing uncontrollably, we act on impulses, our brain isn't quite working at capacity, and plenty is done to anticipate and treat these feelings to guide humans through this period. It's not a coincidence that she coined the term "Matrescence" to sound a lot like adolescence, because women are going through a lot of the same symptoms as developing teenagers! And yet no one warns us or guides us through this period.

Many people, including myself, are not aware of what the female body truly goes through after birth. Sure, there are plenty of resources to help us through the pregnancy, most females go see their OB at least once a month if not more when they are pregnant. Towards the end of pregnancy, a woman might be seeing her OB every one or two weeks even. Then when you get discharged from the hospital, boom- all these questions on your newly torn apart body and typically a woman doesn't see her doctor for six weeks. That was was first took me by surprise, I really don't see a doctor again for six weeks?? These six weeks start the woman's period of adjusting to not only caring for her new and changed body, but also a tiny human that depends not only on her love and care, but usually 100% nutrition as well. I had/still have a lot of questions!

Pregnant woman nowadays get bombarded with lots and lots of information about "Post Partum Depression (PPD)", so much so that I think most women can at least name three common symptoms of PPD and what to watch out for. But what if you don't have any of those symptoms, but something still doesn't feel right? THAT right there is Matresence! Because WHAT is "right"? Nothing! Our hormones are EVERYWHERE! Literally to this day, I will one moment feel overwhelming joy over something so incredibly stupid, and then within that same hour feel very sad for no reason. Something doesn't feel right because we are learning to navigate all of these new emotions, we are learning how to care 100% for another human, we are trying to learn what level of anxiety reaches past "new mom" and bleeds into "crazy". Life will never be the same, and new moms need time to mourn that. We love our babies more than words can possibly say, but it's still normal to need to mourn the life you had. And I think that right there is what women are afraid to do, afraid to admit that, to say it out loud. They are afraid of coming across as unappreciative of the brand new baby they are blessed with, and that is simply not true!  Sure, I can admit I miss being able to just "go to the movies" with my husband without having to get an available babysitter. I miss being able to plan a vacation without worrying/wondering/taking into account everything we will need to bring and do with the baby. I miss lots of things we used to have. But you know what? I can't imagine life any differently. I know that sounds cheesy, and thats fine. But even as much as I mourn our old life at times, I wouldn't trade our new lives for anything. I've often thought, even if someone offered to take her for a weekend and we had a getaway, I still wouldn't enjoy it because I would miss my baby so much. I miss our old life but I don't want it back, ever. This is life now and although it brings new challenges every second of every day, it is amazing every second of every day. And I know I'm not the only mom to feel all this, and that is confusing to process through that for many women. It’s okay to mourn your old life and still love your new one, even if your new one is very confusing. New moms feel the pressure to post on social media how WONDERFUL this new time is and how GREAT everything is and how things are simply amazing, when we all know that is only a small percent of how life actually is as a new mom.  It is okay to tell someone your real feelings. I do, highly suggest, if you have the means to- to enjoy date nights. There is no shame in leaving your baby with a responsible sitter (babies grandparents, aunts/uncles, close friends) so that you and your spouse can go out to eat without worrying about the baby crying in the restaurant. Go see a movie. Go for a massage. Sure, you'll miss your baby and you'll probably text the sitter to see how they're doing every 10 minutes, but you'll still enjoy that time for just you. I also highly recommend either making sure you find time to do the hobbies you used to love, or find a new one and forcing yourself to commit to doing that hobby a few times a week. Hell, even if its just once a week. Give yourself that time. Hubby got me the most amazing gift for Christmas, a ping pong table- Which has allowed me to take 30 minutes a night to play with him after baby goes to bed. I get some exercise, we laugh our butts off, and I get my mind off everything that’s weighing on me.

I would say that for me, the hardest emotional part about Matrescence has been the anxiety. Anxiety about everything. Anxiety about whether or not I'm a good mom. Am I doing everything right? Is she sleeping okay? Is she eating enough? Am I setting her up for dependence? Am I spoiling her? Am I giving her enough attention? Am I calling the pediatrician too much? Am I calling the pediatrician enough?? I worry about infancy and toddlerhood. I worry if I have what it takes to handle a toddler. I worry about the future grocery store meltdowns, even though I KNOW thats a few years away yet.  I find myself with a lot of anxiety overnight worrying about SIDS, worrying if she's too cold, if she's hungry. Just because of the way our set up is, my spouse and I sleep with the baby monitor on my side. So I feel extra responsible to make sure I sleep with one ear open and check on the video monitor if I hear anything. A few weeks ago, I found myself staring at the clock on our ceiling at somewhere near 2 AM, waiting, yearning, for the night to be over just so it would be day time and I would know that she's okay. I also caught myself frequently staring, literally staring at the monitor trying to pick up if she was breathing. It was then I knew I had to readjust my thinking. I've since then, and I have to try at this every day, all day, but to readjust my thinking to trust in God that she is OKAY. Matrescence also gives us something awesome- motherly instinct. I just have to trust in it. I have to believe that she's okay and stop worrying about what if I am wrong? I need to sleep at night and believe she's okay and sleeping too. She.Is.Okay.  When I find myself worrying nonstop about the future (I've even worried about her teenager years already, I know, its bad), I have to constantly remind myself to focus on today. Focus on right now. Do you have the most amazing baby now? Yes. Will this baby be extremely different tomorrow? Highly unlikely. We take it day by day and that is ALL we can do to survive. I have to remind myself that I will not be "handed" a toddler that is all of the sudden screaming on the floor of a grocery store. That toddler will be my child, the girl I know inside and out right now, and we will take it day by day. I have to believe that I will move past moments like that which scare me about the future.

Five months out, I am still discovering new physical symptoms of Matrescence. How about the hair loss?? WHOA. Everyone tells you your hair will grow faster during pregnancy and become more voluminous, but they usually forget to warn you that it.will.all.fall.out! Seriously, I am wondering how I will have any strands of hair left whenever it feels like it is done with this stage! Granted, in perspective, it's probably just returning to my normal pre-pregnancy head of hair, but when you pull locks of hair off your head just from combing your hands through your hair in the shower, you feel alarmed.

Oh, and frankly, I don't think it matters if you've done 1 "Kegel" in your pregnancy or 100 Kegels a day, you're gonna pee when you sneeze now. Guess that's a new thing we get to do.

No one talks about the weight adjustment. Sure, the online forums discuss it, amongst thousands of other brand new mothers, also going through Matrescence. Doctors encourage breastfeeding as one of the perks being "the weight will fall off". Granted that's not the exclusive reason I chose to breastfeed, but it certainly was an attractive perk! I believed it too, watching the weight indeed "fall off" for the first two weeks postpartum. And then.....nothing. Literally have been toggling between 3 +/- pounds since then. I joined weight watchers (now known as WW) because although lots and lots of people say "give it time", "let your body adjust", I just got really tired of feeling not like myself in my own skin. I've lost 4 more pounds so far on WW but it has been HARD and a trial and error process, trying to eat "enough" to keep up the breastmilk supply but also don't eat too much so that you lose weight. The first week I lost 3 pounds but I didn't use any of my "extra" points, I stuck to my allotted daily points. But my breastmilk supply tanked. This week I am using those extras, and my supply is doing better, but I haven't lost more than 1 pound. So, it's a process. The only thing I am happy I can take away from WW is learning to make better choices to replace some junk I was eating and I certainly FEEL better, which is what really counts, not the scale number. I know that. I can run up flights of stairs without needing a few minutes to catch my breath. I enjoy seeking out exercise opportunities so I can track my "fit-points".

No one warns you how hard it is to pump at work, to work every day to make sure your supply is up and healthy. No one warns you about the anxiety, the gut wrenching feeling when you only pump a few ounces in a sitting vs your usual. I, in addition to what I hope is millions of other new moms, thought that breastfeeding and pumping was straightforward- you just get milk out and feed your baby. WHO KNEW that your supply can decrease and increase based on what you eat and drink? I know this seems absurd, truly, but if we were existing in a post-apocalyptic world, I used to think- hey, at least I can always feed my baby through breastfeeding! But no. I never knew that in order to do that, I'd have to steal everyone's food and water to make sure I can feed my baby!


Well, my time limit is up to blog during her nap time. My main goals in writing this post is to get the word out about Matrescence (get more google hits on it!), and to show any other new moms that what they are going through emotionally and physically is OKAY. It may not be what everyone else is going through exactly, as we all have very different lives, situations, spouses, and babies, but just know that we are all in this together. Use each other and talk it out, with anyone. Oh, and stay off the internet, its terrifying and has greatly contributed to my new mom anxiety.

I am now going to get little one up, and enjoy Sunday night football by our fireplace with my spouse and Abby! It's the little moments like those to keep you going through the scary ones! Hold on to that! <3


Love, the New Motherboard


If you are interested in more resources about Matrescence, check these out:

Alexandra Sacks, M.D.

Matrescence- What Is It?

Why we need the word Matrescence

SomeSuchStories

Thankful

Hello!

It's Thanksgiving today! Abby's first Thanksgiving! The season all about giving thanks and reflecting. I used to always write a thanksgiving post on my old blog so I wanted to continue here!


This year more so than any year prior, I have so much to be thankful for, every single day, not just Thanksgiving.

This time last year on Thanksgiving, I woke up to a phone call. We were supposed to be getting ready soon to go to my alma mater's big Thanksgiving day football game, but instead my grandma was calling me- She was in excruciating pain and wanted to go to the ER. So I jumped out of bed, threw on clothes and ate a pop tart in the car on the way there, and I quickly brought my grandma to the ER on Thanksgiving.

Well, ER visits usually always mean hours of waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for answers, waiting to be seen, etc. So this means we had lots of time for talking. The reason I tell you this story is that my grandma and I specifically had a conversation about how sad I was that my husband and I hadn't been able to conceive yet. That we had been trying for 2 years and seeing negative pregnancy test after another was becoming heartbreaking. I wanted so much for my grandma to be able to have a great grandchild. She heard me vent it all out and we talked that day of other options for us. We could adopt, but it was so expensive, the system seemed backwards. We could look into surrogacy or IVF (I *Really* didn't want to explore IVF).  But after talking some options over, we left it at a hopeless shrug and figured we would resume the conversation another time.

Little did I know, that it turns out that at that very moment, I was probably about 2 weeks pregnant!!

We found out the morning of December 11th, 2017, about 2 weeks after Thanksgiving day. I was having random pelvic pains and as I got ready for the morning, I figured I would just take another test like all the others. I honestly was expecting another negative and when I saw the two lines I was speechless. I held it in my hands like an egg and called out my husbands name in shock. He was half asleep still but heard the alarm in my voice. When he saw me looking at the test in my hands, he knew. We embraced in a hug in complete shock and laughed and cried!!!

From that day forward, I was so very thankful. And terrified. Excited. Nervous. Jittery. Hopeful. Happy. Everything!! We were finally pregnant! I was so nervous and didn't want to let myself get too excited, I was so afraid we were going to lose the pregnancy because it took us a few years to get pregnant. I didn't want my heart to break by letting myself get too excited over it. But each day, each week, each month, we made it another and she was born!

Every day with my daughter is a day I cherish. I know I sound corny, as all parents feel this way, but it's true. She makes me smile every single day. Sure some moments are trying and challenging, but it's all a learning experience. Even on the moments that have been hard, she still makes my heart smile. I know she's smart and it's amazing watching her take in information and figure out what to do with what she's learning. She sees us now and smiles, she recognizes us and laughs. So, I am thankful for each day we have had together so far and may God bless an eternity more together.

But that's not all I am thankful for, of course. My husband has been a true savior and an absolutely amazing father. Fatherhood seems to have come completely natural to him, and some of my favorite moments involve just watching them together. It is astonishing seeing the man I spent 6 years with just him and I together, transform into this amazing father. He has truly stepped up to the plate to take care of so much. I can tell he cherishes moments with her when he can just hold her and hug her. He loves to talk to her, read her books, play her music and show her everything he loves.  I know reading parenting forums on the internet can be a dark place full of lots of scary information, but from what I have read from other moms out there in the world, they can't say they are in the same place. Many moms have had the baby's father leave, unknown in the picture, or abuse them or the child, do harmful things, not be present, not be helpful, etc. It's terrible what some people are like out there and each day I wonder how I got so incredibly lucky to find and marry such a man as this that is such an amazing husband and father. I can't wait to keep watching them together!  I am also of course so thankful that my grandmother did get to become a great grandmother after all! Seeing her marvel over Abby when she holds her in her arms is one of life's most wonderful moments.

Of course I am thankful for both of our families and parents. They are all absolutely in heaven that they are all grandparents. I am thankful we can keep Abby out of daycare because my husbands mom has chosen to retire and take on taking care of Abby full time. This is amazing as Abby can spend each day with family that loves her more than anything, I feel better knowing where she is and can check on her anytime and be a part of her daily routine still.

Seeing my own father especially transform into grandfather-hood has also been astonishing to see. Going from my stern father that always knows what to do and is there for all the dad stuff, has become someone totally different when he holds Abby in his arms. The love between them already is undeniable. Just last night together we all had this amazing moment where he was able to make Abby laugh multiple times by having her copy him. It was amazing to watch!

I am thankful for our three pets! After going through the tragic heartbreak of losing a cat way too young to a severe illness, each day I am thankful for the three pets we have, Belle (cat-5), Maui (cat-1) and Daisy (Dog-2). They are INSANE and often times I spend more time wondering why they challenge me more than my newborn daughter, but I still love them. They LOVE Abby and Daisy the dog wants to be near her all the time. Which makes sense, as Daisy always used to lay on my belly when I was pregnant so they got to know each other early.

I am thankful my family is healthy. Each day we can make it through another day healthy is a good day, and I pray we can say this every year.

I am thankful for a beautiful house that keeps us warm and safe in a safe neighborhood.

I am thankful to all my friends and extended family that have offered their help in our new parenthood journey and nothing has gone unnoticed. We love you all and are so thankful.

I am thankful I have a great job that not just pays the bills but excites me and makes me invigorated to help make a difference in the healthcare industry.


I am thankful, most of all, for each day given to us. Call out the corny, go ahead, but truly, parenthood has shown me that each and every day is a treasure and a gift. It could all be taken away in a second, in one moment, and for that I am thankful for each day given to us.

And I am thankful to all of you who choose to read this! Thank you!

Love,

The New Motherboard <3

One Journey Ends, Another Begins...

Hello! 

Well, my journey as a stay at home mommy on maternity leave has sadly come to a close. My first week back to work has been very interesting in many ways and I hope other new moms or any mom reading this can relate. 

I prepped for my first day back mentally about 2 weeks and physically for about a week. I pretty much emotionally prepped by working through the five stages of grief: 

Denial - I don’t really I have to go back . I can do something else. We can start up a lemonade stand. We can do anything else. We can live off husbands income! I’m never going back! 

Anger - I can’t believe I actually have to go back. Lemonade stand fell through and we can’t live off husbands income. I’m so mad I have to go back this is awful. The United States is awful, we are one of the only countries without guaranteed maternity leave and if that only get up to 12 weeks!! Sweden gets a YEAR!

Bargaining - what if I go back part time? Part time income, part time with little one? Can we afford if I stay out another month but still go back later? Let’s move to Sweden. We can move to Sweden, right? 

Depression- we can’t afford to do anything besides me going back full time and this makes me so sad to leave my little one and I want to cry. 

Acceptance - I’m going to make the best of it, be a better person and learn new things. Little one is in good hands. Plus, 8 hours without throw up on my shirt 5 days a week, yay! 

Prepping things, coming up with a plan, getting in the right state of mind, figuring out my pumping plan... my first day I literally remembered everything and felt like a rockstar, except forgot my work ID which is quite possibly the most important thing. Nothing like a first day back to work without turning back to go home to get something, right?? By the time I made it back to the office I had spilled water and coffee on my seat, but was still determined to try and have a good day. I swear I looked like I was about to board an airplane with as many bags I was carrying more so than just working 8 hours. The amount of things I have to carry to work 8 hours: 

• pumping bag (pump, pump supplies, pump charger, a spare shirt and bra, Motrin, tums, pads, my wallet and other misc items 
• My work bag (laptop, notebook, pens, misc items) 
• My lunch bag 
• Either I hold my water yeti and coffee or put them in their own bag too. 
• Anything else I need that day (ie bringing supplies to my new desk 

It’s pretty insane. 

It’s a whole new experience now working. Every day requires so much more planning than the regular just going to work and back. Now we plan how we attack the middle of the night baby wake ups, we plan to a science how early we get up to get our little ready and fed, and ourselves ready and fed. (By the way, FIRST lesson learned: don’t put a nice work shirt on til after you and baby depart!!! Work shirt down on day one within 15 minutes of it being on, lol). Then within the work day itself I can’t just focus on my job as I have to carefully navigate to an exact science when I should pump. Then pumping is this entire production. On day one I tried pumping three times to match my babies three feedings per day, til I got home and realized I literally had nothing left. Since then I’m now pumping early in the am when she feeds on one breast I pump the other, which gets me the first bottle and I only have to pump two more that day. 

Then coming home, we now have to plan who is getting her and when, what else do we have to do that night, until finally it’s time to go to bed and we are all exhausted. All of the sudden, as I tried scheduling a hair appointment after work for the week, I realized I felt trapped like I couldn’t go anywhere on weeknights alone without baby. Part of me felt guilty for wanting to since I had just been away from baby all day and the other part of me doesn’t want her having any more bottles than she has to when I could feed her from the breast as much as I possibly can. But in order to survive I know I will have to leave on some nights, even if it’s just those random mommy trips to target. 

I asked my friend Tuesday if I am a bad mommy for coming home after my first day and thinking , was this all a mistake? Can I really do this? Who was I to think we could grow our family and work full time? How do millions of parents do this??? This is downright exhausting. I felt like I put my entire self and soul into surviving day one and then realized I had to do 4 more. And then all again the week after that. And the week after that, until forever. But... I persevered and took each day one at a time (sometimes each hour at s time) until it was friday. But let me tell you, it still felt like each day was an eternity and the week took a year to complete. I hope it gets better but I know many moms that will say it won’t! I remember asking my friend something indicating I thought it was Friday, and she corrected me saying today was Thursday and I was confused for a good 10 seconds, and thought out loud, “oh my god it’s still Thursday??” It’s been weird. 

What I can say though is coming home to my little one and her unbelievable eyes and her smile and laugh makes it ALL worth it. I have to remind myself that me doing it all is all for her now, every minute of it is for her well being. But I miss her every day so much. I am very lucky to be blessed enough that her nana is caring for her so I can work rest assured that she is in good hands all day, so that helps this process immensely. 

What also helps is my incredible husband. Without his help I don’t think I would be able to think straight or stay sane. He has been so supportive of all my emotional fears as I prepped for work, a great ear for all my venting, has been so helpful with little one as we get ready in the mornings. Seeing them together is my entire world all in one, and makes me smile so much. 

It also helps very much that my work friends have been so supportive during this transition, much more than I ever expected. From decorating my work desk for me to lots of friends IMing me or coming to say hi and that they are glad I’m back makes it all so much more bearable. 

I do love what I do and that helps. I have a lot of dreams and coming back to work now I feel fresh with a blank slate and am determined to take real concrete steps now to better myself to move forward in what I want in my career, not just stay horizontal. I’m going to make changes in what I want to get my graduate degree in so that I can reach that ultimate dream. Life is too short to not do what you are truly passionate about. I want to teach my daughter that we need to work hard to achieve a life we want and anything is within reach if you reach high enough. Ugh, I sound like an 8th grade poster. Sorry. But seriously. 

I also realized this week that I want to write a children’s book (on the side) so I will be working on that. I eventually want my daughter to help in writing that book(s)  with me. If it’s successful, great. If we just get it printed and we are proud of it and it sells one copy to ourselves, that’s great too because we did it and it’s for us. 

These past two weeks As I have emotionally prepped for work I have really noticed something else new in me. When I’m in a moment where things are just really good, like really good in that moment, I work really hard to store everything about that moment in my memory. The smells, the sounds, the air, the feels, everything. Being amongst so much emotional turmoil in this transition has taught me to recognize those moments and how fleeting and rare they are and to appreciate them to their fullest because we don’t know when the next one could come.  

Well, time to start prepping for week number 2. Here goes!

Thank you for reading, 

The New Motherboard

Newly Off-Duty Boobs at Target

Hello!! We have survived month 2! She is so young yet, but at the same time I can't believe how old she feels already! I feel like I can already see her personality coming through, she's full of wonder, laughter, still LOVES music, and definitely knows how to tell us what she wants. In loud voices! My favorite part is her facial expressions she does with her eyes/eyebrows when she's thinking, and her new social smiles. She mostly smiles when she sees our faces up close, if we make funny faces, or....if she sees my boobs. No joke, her seeing my boobs without a top is equivalent to my husband finally seeing his favorite Oktoberfest beer on tap in the fall. All smiles. Its kind of adorable.

Not sure what is in my milk however because she is growing like a weed! At 6 weeks she was the size of a 3 month old, weighing in at 11 pounds 2 oz, and 23 inches! At this moment she's almost outgrowing 3 month pants! I don't know how she's so tall, as my husband is average and I am most definitely in the short category, but who knows! I stopped growing in 8th grade so hopefully she has a better shot at growth than I did. Her motor development skills are on pointe, as she is turning from tummy to back and is picking her head up almost the full 90 degrees. It's so amazing to see each day new things she can do. She is learning language as she explores her voice and all the sounds she can make. She loves to have conversations with us, even though her end of it is mostly just vowels :-)

Breastfeeding is still going extremely well and is my favorite thing to do with her so far, it is such an incredible bonding experience I couldn't trade for the world. Even on those days like yesterday, when I was already short on time, got all set up on the couch, baby on boob, but then realized I forgot a vital piece of my manual pump for the other boob and said boob was already started to spew milk everywhere, so here I un-recline the couch, keep baby on boob, carry the boppy and baby into the kitchen and grabbed the pump piece, made it back to the couch and baby managed to keep sucking the whole time! If someone had come in my door at that time it would surely have been a sight to see.   Also, my "let-down" is so strong still that one of these days baby is going to take out her own nerf gun and fill it with milk and squirt it in MY eye. The poor thing may have more milk accidentally squirted up her nose or eye than most babies should.... oops!

I never truly knew how much information, knowledge and work it takes to breast feed. Naive pre-baby me thought it was as simple as latching the baby on when they needed to eat. And it is. Except then you have to constantly think about your supply and make sure you're eating and drinking enough. Like drinking water all day. You have to time your coffee intake to an exact science to get it as far away from her next feeding/pumping as possible. Then there is pumping! Milk storage! Bottles! A book I'm reading about breastfeeding pinned it on the tail when she stated that breast feeding IS as easy for women that can stay home with the baby as a stay at home mom and practically never, ever leave the house and remain with baby all the time. But for women who will be returning back to work or enjoy leaving the house at times without baby, breastfeeding is a lot more involved. But I still wouldn't trade it for the world. I guarantee you if someone offered to pay me 1 million dollars to stop breastfeeding right now, I wouldn't. Sorry hubby :-p Some of the products I have seen to market to breastfeeding women have been HILARIOUS. I got an ad for a "hands free breast-pump", which at first I was like, oh cool- so you can do things without holding it there or pumping it yourself. But then the (perfect) woman in the picture ad has these ginormous pumps (uncomfortably it looks) attached to her (perfect) boobs, and what is she doing with her newly freed hands? She's cutting up VEGETABLES. Because yeah, that's the FIRST thing I would want to do if I suddenly could pump without hands for $500. Veggies. They need to think of new marketing for that one.

She can officially take bottles now with pumped breast milk and that has been such a relief. As much as I LOVE the breastfeeding experience, having the newly found freedom to know I can go places without worrying about a screaming, starving newborn at home is such a relief. Last week, hubby got home from work and I declared I needed a trip to target. I had been thinking about this trip not only all day, but pretty much that entire week. I even clipped out coupons I thought about it that much. So I left baby with daddy and a bottle, and me and my newly off-duty boobs HAPPILY skipped to target. Let me tell you, it was GLORIOUS. I walked up and down those aisles so slowly, examining every product, just soaking it all in. Don't get me wrong, I love going places with baby, but like I said in my last post- it's truly an expedition. I truly enjoyed the break of being able to park the car and go directly into the store without the car seat and wondering if she was going to have a meltdown in the middle of the store. And I know its only just begun! Mommy trips to target will definitely be in store for much of my future.

There have been many other lessons learned this month and new products I love. My personality has always had this logic side to me where if something isn't working multiple times in a row, even if its not working by just a little, I think to myself, what can we do next time to make this better? How can we think outside the box here? And I try something new next time. Sometimes it fails miserably, sometimes it improves our process by so much. Trial and error is what it is all about! This skill has helped me immensely in all aspects of my life and in my career. I strongly suggest to new parents not to put up with a process that is stupid or isn't working for you. Think of what you can do to make it better, even if its a crazy idea. It could work!

Two products I know I may not be able to live without this month are the Wubanub and the baby shusher. The Wubanub is a unique pacifier that has a tiny stuffed animal attached to it. Baby wouldn't take other pacifiers until this one. Don't ask me, it makes no sense because its literally the same pacifier (the plastic itself) as the others we have, but she loves it with the animal. I always feel like a cruel human when its time to clean them and I hold the animal over a boiling pot of water and dip in the plastic pacifier. I find myself making a voice for the animal like No, not me, noo! ....... Yes, its sad what happens when you stay at home all day with your baby with no adult human conversation....I fully admit it. This has happened and other sad conversations.

My other favorite product is the "baby shusher". Its literally no bigger than the size of a potato and it goes in the babies crib. It plays the sound of someone saying "shhhhh" over and over again. You can set it to play for 15 minutes or 30. We play it for 30. At first I saw it advertised and I was skeptical. But I figured, theres no assembly required and if baby doesn't like it we can return it. We gave it a good 2-3 nights and by the 3rd night this thing is magic. Some nights its longer than others, but usually within 10 minutes of the "Shhh" sound, she is out like a light. Frankly, I actually find it soothing too as she sleeps in the bassinet on my side. Is that weird?

Other laughable product moments include the time I bought a "boogie bulb" on amazon. The one they give you at the hospital is GREAT, but frankly we are lazy people and it was always upstairs when we were downstairs or vice versa. So we ordered another for boogie sucking. About a week later, the amazon distributor sends me an email asking for me to review their product. Me in my half awake state over my bowl of cereal started imagining the review I would write, "this boogie bulb man...it does EXACTLY what it is supposed to do. It sucks. No literally, it sucks! It sucks those boogies out SO WELL I just sit there in pure awe when I'm done. How can a tiny piece of blue plastic ever have competed so well with the one I got from the hospital? This one, my friend! This boogie bulb!"
...... But seriously, what the heck do they expect when they send these emails? Obviously new parents are buying them. New, exhausted, short tempered parents who aren't going to take the time to review A BOOGIE SUCKER. I mean C'MON.


Speaking of products, baby clothes. Let's talk about that. Completely adorable. But due to the fact that my child is growing faster than the twilight half vampire baby, we have outgrown the size she needs for the temperature/season we are rapidly coming into. We realized we didn't have enough warm items. So off to clothing shop we go and I quickly realized that the number on the tag means nothing. Baby clothes come in the following sizes:

• No way
• This would have worked a month ago
• This is cute but isn't the right season for it
• This says it will fit but my kid is definitely too big for that
• This will fit now but only for the next week
• This will fit her chest but not length wise
• This will fit her length wise but not in the chest 
• This says it will fit in what should be 6 months from now but will fit today
• Size who the hell knows I'm done with this store just buy it and she'll fit into it eventually

Seriously though. Gerbers, Carters, and all the other small clothing companies need to get together and get on the same measuring system. One companies size 3m is anothers 6m! Its ridiculous. 

Overall, all joking aside, these first two months of her life have truly been magical. If you can't laugh at the situation or yourself as you struggle through these experiences then you will indeed go crazy. Don't try and be the perfect parent. We can only truly succeed when we make mistakes (a lot of them) and see what we did wrong and learn from it. Otherwise we are just dumb ignorant parents.

One nice thing that I will leave you with is a new phenomenon I have noticed since her birth. I consider myself a fairly spiritual person and believe that there are forces at play on this earth beyond our control. Something unique about myself is that for most of my life that I can remember, whenever I am about to pass underneath a street lamp, I see them turn off all the time. Not every single one of course, but it happens more times than likely to happen to call it a coincidence. I always just brushed it off and thought it was cool. Well, since her birth, when I'm driving now, I see dead street lamps ahead and right as we are about to go under, the lamp turns on! And again, I've noticed this more times than likely for a coincidence. I consider this to be one of two things (or both): it is one of her deceased ancestors saying hello and they are watching over us, or that  my energy that used to turn off the lamps has now changed since the birth and symbolically, her birth has lit a new light inside of myself..... Call me crazy but it's what I believe.


With that  I leave you, thank you so much for reading. I hope mommies and daddies out there found something useful, even if its just knowing you aren't alone. We are all going through it!

Love, the New Motherboard <3

First Month of Baby Life

Welp! Its already been one month! Now first thing I'd like to mention is the fact that time, is confusing. I literally called BS on time this week as my husband and I argued over who was right. The argument was, does Abby turn one month old at 4 weeks (yesterday), or on September 22nd? (She was born August 22nd). Everyone except me votes August 22nd. Which is cool. All good. Except in my mind she technically IS a month old as of yesterday as she has lived four weeks. But we can all agree to disagree lol.

But anyway, one month down, and it's been great! SOOOO full of lessons learned which I can't wait to share with you all, and already so many wonderful memories.

Abby is very healthy and already interacts with us! We don't see the pediatrician again til the first week of October, but we weigh her on our scale at home and she is almost 10 pounds! And she's definitely longer but I'm not attempting to measure her. Changing her diaper and keeping her legs straight for longer than 2 seconds is already enough of a challenge! But I can tell as she is already outgrown some of her newborn sleep sacks as she is too tall now! Developmental wise she is trying really hard to turn on her side but isn't quite there yet. She gets her thighs going to turn but can't quite find the power to turn herself over yet. I give it to month 2 and she will get it. I want to say I think she's smiling at us and there has been one or two times so far that I really think she did smile socially. The rest are probably poop smiles but I will take them anyway! Abby also LOVES music. If she is crying, almost 9 times out of 10 we can get her to stop if we play some music. She especially loves 3 particular songs from the Broadway musical "Newsies". No joke. "Carrying the banner" almost makes her stop crying every single time. It started out as a joke because we saw the musical while I was pregnant and she was kicking SO MUCH during the songs that we joked that she must love it. And when she came out and was crying we tried playing it as a joke and....silence. So our kid loves music. And Newsies. I'll take it!

So first I will start out with the lessons we have so graciously learned since our first week. Again, some are in humor but some are totally serious and I hope they help other parents!

1. When going out, pack more than one pacifier! Ignorant me was all like, yeah this one pacifier should be fine. I even had a nice case for it like a rock star first time parent. That pacifier was on the floor in about 2 minutes. No more pacifier. Pack more pacifiers. Like, five.

2. Don't rely on pacifiers. I am exclusively breastfeeding, so they told us to wait 4 weeks to offer it to her. Well, 2.5 weeks in and I was pretty desperate. Especially at night when she was going through a phase where she just wanted the boob for comfort. I researched options for pacifiers that are okay for exclusively breast fed babies and found the Soothie Pacifier and one also made by our bottle company, Nanobebe. YES! So I got it and I kept it as my secret weapon. It gave me comfort for awhile thinking that oh yes, you wanna cry? Yeah keep crying because I have a secret weapon in my pocket, this almighty pacifier! I was so confident that when I had to use it, it would be this magical thing.  Nope. One night It got down to having to offer it (about 3 weeks), and low and behold....she kept it in for maybe 30 seconds. So I'm like oh here let me put it back in. Back out. Repeat 100 times. So turns out we don't have a pacifier kid. No secret weapon. When I put it in she literally looks at me like, Mom this is BS theres nothing coming out of here, who do you think you're kidding? Do I look dumb??  So lesson learned here? I don't know. I don't even know. I guess just don't rely on that as your back up secret weapon. She is up to maybe keeping it in for 5 minutes tops but often will spit it out and cry again, or fall asleep (yay!).

3. Baby WILL poop within 5-10 minutes after changing the diaper. It will happen. Multiple, multiple times. I just laugh at that point. One time I literally picked her up off the changing table and there was a very loud audible shart.  Please tell me other parents have had times where they go through 3 diapers in 10 minutes???

4. You will get every body fluid on you. Accept it. So many code browns, code yellows, code spit ups I have lost count. Each code brown we have I try and learn what went wrong and what I can do to avoid it next time (see #5). The worst code brown yet, I was changing her diaper and it was only pee! So I'm just humming along there like no big deal, and all the sudden the ground shook and this ginormous fart came out of her little bum, accompanied by liquid gold that literally just shot out. In just a second it was on my hand(s), the wipe container, the diaper bag, the wall, the FLOOR (I'm not joking!), and probably other things I haven't found yet. I literally stood there frozen like WTF just happened for about 5 seconds before I jumped into action. Its times like those you don't even know what to clean first! Do you clean the baby but then risk baby getting poop on again from the dirty changing table?? Or do you clean the walls and the FLOOR (still enamored by this) first? I haven't figured that answer out yet.

5. Preventing code browns/ Code brown clean up:
a. DID YOU KNOW that Onesies pull DOWN? Yes. It's true. Turns out those weird shoulder flaps aren't just meaningless decoration, they are meant to roll down the arm! Yes! So no more trying to roll a very poopy onesie all the way up the back and over the head! It rolls down right off the bum!
b. DID YOU KNOW that diapers are supposed to be turned inside out first to "exercise" the flaps that come in it to prevent leakage? The first 3 weeks of her life we just opened the diapers and put it on. Oh no. Thanks to youtube, I found that if you turn the diaper inside out and arch out all those flaps, then turn the diaper right side in again, place it under bum, you have a much higher success chance of it holding in all that liquid gold. It's amazing. The things they don't tell you in the $30 newborn care class we took.......geez.

6. We will never be on time again anywhere ever. Or at least it feels that way. Need to be somewhere at 6? Okay we should leave our house at 5:30 (time we used to leave). HAHA NOPE. More like Abby has a code yellow/code brown at 5:35 and needs to be fed and we end up leaving at 6. This has happened many, many times. So we are trying to adjust our "need to leave by" times to accommodate, but we still end up being late, a lot.

7. Gone are the days where you could just get out of the car and go into a store. It is now like expedition Everest. It is a journey. Now its park the car. Get out of car. Go to trunk and get stroller base, unfold stroller, go get baby in car seat, place car seat in stroller. Get diaper bag on shoulder. Walk into store with more equipment on you than if you were hiking up Mount Everest. Or skip the stroller and hold the car seat which is almost unrealistic. Turns out there is no way to easily hold a baby in a car seat. It's heavy as all h*ll and I feel like a walking zombie with trying to walk and not letting it hit any other objects, my legs or just holding it in my arms. I have a bruise on my arm from the first time I held it in my arm because I am a wimp.  Its just awkward no matter what. We now go to wegmans and have one cart for the car seat and one cart for the groceries. Like I said, its an expedition.

8. You suddenly reach a new level of tired where telepathy becomes a real thing with you and your spouse. Well, sort of. There has been so many times where we are both up in the middle of the night or in the early morning, and I am sitting in my chair breastfeeding and I'm staring at my husband thinking of all the things I want to say, I'm literally imagining myself saying them but I am too tired to open my mouth. So then later I think I said them and turns out I never did. I think also at times we are both so tired that we just stare at each other and have a conversation without saying anything... You will also reach a new level of tired and find yourself with severe mommy brain and messing simple things up and making mistakes (like trying to breast pump the air, I did that this morning), leaving random things in random places that they don't belong, forgetting to lock doors, close car doors, etc.

9. There will be days where you feel like a total rock star mom/parent and there will be days where every second you are like WTF IS GOING ON. The other day Abby and I had a great day, she took her naps like a champ, ate like a champ, we had a great day, I made dinner like a rock star while Abby slept in her swing and hubby came home and it was like a perfect family all happy and I was like YEAH THIS IS GREAT, PARENTING IS FUN!  And then, there are days like the other day where every move you attempt goes against you, baby is crying for no reason at all, you have every body fluid on you, its one of those days where they poop right after you change them, you are dropping everything (literally why do we drop everything when we are already having a bad day??), and it feels like Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out of your pantry and be like PUNK'd!, and you'd all have a great laugh. That same night we decided to go to the mall in a moment of weakness because we were determined to have cookie dough (craving).  Oh the road is closed we take to get to the mall? No worries, because, well, cookie dough. Lets find another way that takes us 20 extra minutes. Get to the mall and Abby is crying bloody murder because she's hungry. Feed baby in backseat of our car because, cookie dough. Get the stroller out and expedition ready in the rain because, cookie dough. Get inside the mall and bend down to put diaper bag under stroller and literally ALL THE MILK that I collected from my leaky breast and forgot about was now all over my shirt, my jeans and my FLIP FLOP. WHO KNEW you could get breast milk in your FLIP FLOP. Guys, it was literally SQUISHY. It was that moment I no longer felt like a rock star parent and I wanted to sit on the floor, in the mall and cry. But, I walked around the mall with a wet shirt, wet jeans and wet flip flops because well, cookie dough. Cravings, they don't stop when you are no longer pregnant!

10. Stranger negativity (remember how annoyed I got about it in my first post about how strangers feel the need to tell you how hard newborn hood will be when you are pregnant?) Oh yeah, it doesn't stop! I'm telling you, random people we see are like "Aw, cute baby! Just wait til they start walking". Or "ohh wait til the 6 week mark, they no longer sleep", or "wait til they start talking", or "these are the easy days", etc. Why do people feel the need to resort to negativity as a conversation starter? Compliment how cute the baby is and keep walking. Do you think new parents really need to hear that? I'm literally just taking it one day at a time I don't need to hear about what negative experiences may be in store for us.


Anyway, those are the 10 lessons of the month. Overall I can honestly say we have a good baby. There has been lots of learning experiences and challenging moments but overall little Abby is good to us. She is in a pattern now where she is sleeping approximately 12 am -6 am and we are very thankful. She is eating well and breastfeeding is going excellent. I am trying so hard to savor each and every moment with her this small and soak it all in. I love spending all day with her and the thought of going back to work kills me (in 6 weeks). My favorite moments with her are usually right after breastfeeding we snuggle. Or she likes to play what I call froggie time and we hold her and sit her up and bounce her and she loves that, usually we get a few smiles. The other night she made me laugh out loud, I was breastfeeding and in the quiet of the night she farted very loudly and we just made eye contact and both raised our eyebrows. I know it was likely just a reflex on her part but it was hilarious to me at 3 am.

As for my health, I mostly feel back to normal! We try and get out and walk with Abby in the carrier or the stroller and I am up to almost a 3 mile tolerance. So physically doing great. Mentally doing pretty good, too. Anxiety is still high at times as I fear that I am still going to miss something wrong with her or I will do something wrong, but I am trying to manage that. The hospital I delivered with offers a great support group for new moms that I went to and that helped a lot. It was myself and two other moms and we all had 3 week olds and could all relate and were having the same experiences. It helped validate a lot of my feelings and anxiety and showed me its okay to feel this way. For the first 3 weeks or so I was also concerned with myself that I no longer had any interest in doing any of my art. I am very artistic and love to paint, draw, cross stitch, whatever but since her birth I either was too tired, felt like I should be with Abby instead of doing art stuff, or I simply didn't want to do it, which was making me sad. Then one day I picked up my cross stitch piece which is almost done and even though I didn't want to, I forced myself to keep going and that sparked my light again thank goodness. Now I do it almost every day again during Abby's naps, and even got back to painting. Abby sits right next to me as I paint and we listen to music together. It's the best and for me, its a mental health lifesaver. Without my art now I would literally go crazy alone in this house just watching TV all day. No way!

Here are some of my favorite moments in pictures:

Post feeding smile/snuggles:

 Tummy time! Our dog LOVES her sister human and always wants to be a part of everything Abby does. I had Abby alone and then Daisy insisted on doing the same thing. They love each other and it was such a cute moment!

Painting with Abby! 

Thank you every one for reading!!! 

Love, the NewMotherboard <3