Wait, Where's That Rule Book?

Well, the day has come, our little Abby is half a year old! That is nuts! Actually, today she is 7 months old. I have been meaning to write this blog for 4 weeks now, but life has been busy!

So I thought I would collect my thoughts on how the past 6 months have gone, record memories of what Abby is like now and any lessons learned! 

Abigail is at the 90th percentile in her height, measuring at 27.5 inches! We don’t know quite how she is so tall because I am short and her dad is average for a male height. Our pediatrician said she will likely grow to be taller than I am. Better get her signed up for basketball now! She is 17 lbs and 9 oz, which is about 70% percentile for weight. Our arms are definitely getting stronger! 

Her personality lights up any room and it is so inspiring to see her do new things and new traits every day. Seeing the biggest smile on her face when she sees me after a long day is the BEST THING in the entire world. She loves to cuddle and one of my favorite things in life right now is when she is tired, she falls asleep right on my shoulder or chest. She tries to fight it at first but I start rubbing her back and her eyes drift off and she plops her head right down and we snuggle. It is the best thing in the world. She can do this the rest of her life if she wants to, my shoulder will always be here. 

Abby Is SO smart. It impresses me daily. We have started doing some sign language with her. We started out with signs for milk, eat, more, all gone, play, change diaper, sleep, light, and now working in mommy and daddy. Within about a week she picked up milk and is signing milk to us when she’s drinking the milk! At times we have caught her signing milk when she’s not eating, but we aren’t quite sure if she’s actually hungry for the milk or just doing it. I don’t know if she’s quite made that connection yet. But just the fact that she signs milk while she’s drinking means she connects milk with the sign! Woot! 

She is just starting to fully sit up by herself now after weeks and months of flopping over. This is so cool as this now leads to some independent play which is cool to watch. She mostly just loves to bang things together or touch new textures. We turned our newly remodeled “dining room” (it was never really a dining room but that’s what the floor model states) into her playroom, complete with lots of toys and a puzzle play mat! So watching her sit up in the middle of it and play independently with her toys is so cool to see those brain connections forming! She has awesome dexterity (which kind of reminds me of a gorilla the way she grabs things). Crawling is a different story, she literally has zero interest in moving anywhere. We have tried enticing her with attractive things, demoing crawling, helping her into the position, but nope. The doctor said it’s a little early yet, so I am not too worried. I figure one day she will just surprise us all and just do it or she may skip crawling and go right to walking. She has great posture when she help her stand and does well standing on her own with minimal support, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we see those feet moving before crawling. The doctor was impressed on how well she’s sitting so I will take that! 

Music is one of her favorite things-albeit the new hit song “baby shark” seems to be her absolute favorite, which is hard to hear over and over. But she seems to love all music, from lullabies, to rock n’roll! It will most days, turn a frown into a laugh when she hears music. When it doesn’t, we know it’s a sign she needs to take a nap or eat. 

Solids! Ah, solid foods! I have no idea what I am doing, Sorry Abby! We are starting her on puréed foods and so far she LOVES them. I have no idea how much to give or how often but were kinda winging it and it seems to be going okay. I am trying to stick to mostly veggies and some of the sweeter veggies at this point to try and foster an early love for veggie taste before we allow straight up bananas. (I’ve tasted banana baby food and it’s GOOD so I wouldn’t want veggies again after eating that either!) But then there is all this talk of “baby led weaning” but I have no idea how to do that so for now we are kinda just winging it day by day. Just last night she showed an interest in taking the spoon by herself so we shall see! 

Six months is truly an emotional conundrum! I see her turning into this beautiful, smart child and we cannot wait to experience new things with her, show her places, take her to interesting and new experiences, have conversations with her, but at the same time I want to freeze in time the baby ages too! I will miss her falling asleep on my shoulder. I will miss breastfeeding deeply. I will miss her tiny hands! This is the first time I have wanted time to speed up but also stay still at the same time! #parenting lol

Having a child brings on so many more emotions than you ever thought possible. Before being a mom to a human, I was a mommy to fur-babies. When I saw an animal being hurt or getting lost in a TV show, movie or heard about it in real life, my heart literally broke because I imagined those horrible things happening to my fur-babies. When I saw or heard about horrible things happening to children, of course it was terrible and heartbreaking but I couldn’t truly connect with those emotions yet before being a mom to a human. Now, I hear these stories of kidnapping, or children dying in tragedies or illnesses and it literally breaks my heart into a million pieces, imagining those same things happening to Abigail. The best thing I can do is hug her extra tight in those moments of anxiety, take the best care of her that I can, teach her good values and morals her whole life, teach her about danger and staying away, and always love her. I have to tell myself that every day to keep the anxiety at bay. If other new moms reading this can take anything away from this, I hope they know that post partum anxiety is REAL and it’s SCARY! But it’s OKAY and none of us are alone in it. It’s normal to imagine the worst possible scenarios happening to your child. It’s normal to have anxiety worrying about the future. I told my post partum therapist that I literally felt like I had the devil and the angel sitting on opposite sides of my shoulders. The devil is feeding all of this anxiety while the angel is grounding me and being realistic and telling me to focus on right now, focus on the present, focus on what is real. Right now, she’s with you. Right now, she is not sick. Right now, she is not hurt. Right now, she is happy. Right now, she is okay. Focus on that. Focus on right now. Focus on today. Focus on tomorrow, tomorrow. It’s a mantra! 

As for mommy life, life is busy! I have started my masters program in predictive analytics. I won't bore you with the details because everyone's eyes start to drift off to sleep when I try and talk about it, but it truly makes me SO.HAPPY. The hardest part is one day each week I can't put Abby to bed, but I have to remind myself it's for our future as a family. 

If anyone is curious about Abbys schedule for modeling it for their own use, here goes! But keep in mind, every baby is different, every mommy is different ! What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. And most of all, there are no wrong answers!

Weekday:
Baby:
Wake up- 6:40 AM

Breastfeeds-7AM

Bottle 9AM (5oz)

Nap 9-11:30 (this varies)

 Plays 

Solid foods ~ 12 

Bottle 1:30 (5oz)

Nap 2-3:30

Bottle (or breastfeeds depending on mommy schedule) ~ 5pm (5oz)

Solids 6,6:30 ish

30 minute nap 6:30-7

Breastfeeds 8pm

Bed, sleeps 8:30-6:45 (usually)

Mommy: 
Breastfeeds 7AM
Pumps 10:30 (4-5oz)
Pumps 2:30 (4-5oz)
Breastfeeds OR bottle at 5 
Breastfeeds 8PM
pumps ~2-4 oz 10PM

I'd be happy to answer any questions or offer any advice! 

Love, the new Motherboard

Matrescence: A New Stage of Life

Hello everyone!

We are doing pretty great here. Little Abby is still growing like a champ and is 5 months old! It is fascinating watching her learn new skills and seeing progression and connections in her brain. Something she can't do one week, she might be able to do the next week. Her personality thus far is pretty calm and observant. She likes to play but also just enjoys watching every thing and every one. When she sits at a dinner table with me and lots of others, she doesn't want to be towards me on my shoulder, she wants to see everyone and be in the know of what's going on. I foresee her going on to be a very curious and observant child, similar to her parents!


Do you know what I find curious? The fact that when I write "Matrescence" it shows up with that ugly red line under it, indicating it's not a word. That's the problem. It needs to be a word. It needs to be a word just as much as "adolescence" is a word, or "adult". What is it? Dr. Alexander Sacks coined the term, meaning the stage in which a woman is transitioning to being a new mother. A woman goes through a lot of new, scary, different physiological and psychological feelings during this time that often times she is not prepared for. Everyone knows about "adolescence", the transition between childhood and adulthood, where emotions are all over the place, the body is changing uncontrollably, we act on impulses, our brain isn't quite working at capacity, and plenty is done to anticipate and treat these feelings to guide humans through this period. It's not a coincidence that she coined the term "Matrescence" to sound a lot like adolescence, because women are going through a lot of the same symptoms as developing teenagers! And yet no one warns us or guides us through this period.

Many people, including myself, are not aware of what the female body truly goes through after birth. Sure, there are plenty of resources to help us through the pregnancy, most females go see their OB at least once a month if not more when they are pregnant. Towards the end of pregnancy, a woman might be seeing her OB every one or two weeks even. Then when you get discharged from the hospital, boom- all these questions on your newly torn apart body and typically a woman doesn't see her doctor for six weeks. That was was first took me by surprise, I really don't see a doctor again for six weeks?? These six weeks start the woman's period of adjusting to not only caring for her new and changed body, but also a tiny human that depends not only on her love and care, but usually 100% nutrition as well. I had/still have a lot of questions!

Pregnant woman nowadays get bombarded with lots and lots of information about "Post Partum Depression (PPD)", so much so that I think most women can at least name three common symptoms of PPD and what to watch out for. But what if you don't have any of those symptoms, but something still doesn't feel right? THAT right there is Matresence! Because WHAT is "right"? Nothing! Our hormones are EVERYWHERE! Literally to this day, I will one moment feel overwhelming joy over something so incredibly stupid, and then within that same hour feel very sad for no reason. Something doesn't feel right because we are learning to navigate all of these new emotions, we are learning how to care 100% for another human, we are trying to learn what level of anxiety reaches past "new mom" and bleeds into "crazy". Life will never be the same, and new moms need time to mourn that. We love our babies more than words can possibly say, but it's still normal to need to mourn the life you had. And I think that right there is what women are afraid to do, afraid to admit that, to say it out loud. They are afraid of coming across as unappreciative of the brand new baby they are blessed with, and that is simply not true!  Sure, I can admit I miss being able to just "go to the movies" with my husband without having to get an available babysitter. I miss being able to plan a vacation without worrying/wondering/taking into account everything we will need to bring and do with the baby. I miss lots of things we used to have. But you know what? I can't imagine life any differently. I know that sounds cheesy, and thats fine. But even as much as I mourn our old life at times, I wouldn't trade our new lives for anything. I've often thought, even if someone offered to take her for a weekend and we had a getaway, I still wouldn't enjoy it because I would miss my baby so much. I miss our old life but I don't want it back, ever. This is life now and although it brings new challenges every second of every day, it is amazing every second of every day. And I know I'm not the only mom to feel all this, and that is confusing to process through that for many women. It’s okay to mourn your old life and still love your new one, even if your new one is very confusing. New moms feel the pressure to post on social media how WONDERFUL this new time is and how GREAT everything is and how things are simply amazing, when we all know that is only a small percent of how life actually is as a new mom.  It is okay to tell someone your real feelings. I do, highly suggest, if you have the means to- to enjoy date nights. There is no shame in leaving your baby with a responsible sitter (babies grandparents, aunts/uncles, close friends) so that you and your spouse can go out to eat without worrying about the baby crying in the restaurant. Go see a movie. Go for a massage. Sure, you'll miss your baby and you'll probably text the sitter to see how they're doing every 10 minutes, but you'll still enjoy that time for just you. I also highly recommend either making sure you find time to do the hobbies you used to love, or find a new one and forcing yourself to commit to doing that hobby a few times a week. Hell, even if its just once a week. Give yourself that time. Hubby got me the most amazing gift for Christmas, a ping pong table- Which has allowed me to take 30 minutes a night to play with him after baby goes to bed. I get some exercise, we laugh our butts off, and I get my mind off everything that’s weighing on me.

I would say that for me, the hardest emotional part about Matrescence has been the anxiety. Anxiety about everything. Anxiety about whether or not I'm a good mom. Am I doing everything right? Is she sleeping okay? Is she eating enough? Am I setting her up for dependence? Am I spoiling her? Am I giving her enough attention? Am I calling the pediatrician too much? Am I calling the pediatrician enough?? I worry about infancy and toddlerhood. I worry if I have what it takes to handle a toddler. I worry about the future grocery store meltdowns, even though I KNOW thats a few years away yet.  I find myself with a lot of anxiety overnight worrying about SIDS, worrying if she's too cold, if she's hungry. Just because of the way our set up is, my spouse and I sleep with the baby monitor on my side. So I feel extra responsible to make sure I sleep with one ear open and check on the video monitor if I hear anything. A few weeks ago, I found myself staring at the clock on our ceiling at somewhere near 2 AM, waiting, yearning, for the night to be over just so it would be day time and I would know that she's okay. I also caught myself frequently staring, literally staring at the monitor trying to pick up if she was breathing. It was then I knew I had to readjust my thinking. I've since then, and I have to try at this every day, all day, but to readjust my thinking to trust in God that she is OKAY. Matrescence also gives us something awesome- motherly instinct. I just have to trust in it. I have to believe that she's okay and stop worrying about what if I am wrong? I need to sleep at night and believe she's okay and sleeping too. She.Is.Okay.  When I find myself worrying nonstop about the future (I've even worried about her teenager years already, I know, its bad), I have to constantly remind myself to focus on today. Focus on right now. Do you have the most amazing baby now? Yes. Will this baby be extremely different tomorrow? Highly unlikely. We take it day by day and that is ALL we can do to survive. I have to remind myself that I will not be "handed" a toddler that is all of the sudden screaming on the floor of a grocery store. That toddler will be my child, the girl I know inside and out right now, and we will take it day by day. I have to believe that I will move past moments like that which scare me about the future.

Five months out, I am still discovering new physical symptoms of Matrescence. How about the hair loss?? WHOA. Everyone tells you your hair will grow faster during pregnancy and become more voluminous, but they usually forget to warn you that it.will.all.fall.out! Seriously, I am wondering how I will have any strands of hair left whenever it feels like it is done with this stage! Granted, in perspective, it's probably just returning to my normal pre-pregnancy head of hair, but when you pull locks of hair off your head just from combing your hands through your hair in the shower, you feel alarmed.

Oh, and frankly, I don't think it matters if you've done 1 "Kegel" in your pregnancy or 100 Kegels a day, you're gonna pee when you sneeze now. Guess that's a new thing we get to do.

No one talks about the weight adjustment. Sure, the online forums discuss it, amongst thousands of other brand new mothers, also going through Matrescence. Doctors encourage breastfeeding as one of the perks being "the weight will fall off". Granted that's not the exclusive reason I chose to breastfeed, but it certainly was an attractive perk! I believed it too, watching the weight indeed "fall off" for the first two weeks postpartum. And then.....nothing. Literally have been toggling between 3 +/- pounds since then. I joined weight watchers (now known as WW) because although lots and lots of people say "give it time", "let your body adjust", I just got really tired of feeling not like myself in my own skin. I've lost 4 more pounds so far on WW but it has been HARD and a trial and error process, trying to eat "enough" to keep up the breastmilk supply but also don't eat too much so that you lose weight. The first week I lost 3 pounds but I didn't use any of my "extra" points, I stuck to my allotted daily points. But my breastmilk supply tanked. This week I am using those extras, and my supply is doing better, but I haven't lost more than 1 pound. So, it's a process. The only thing I am happy I can take away from WW is learning to make better choices to replace some junk I was eating and I certainly FEEL better, which is what really counts, not the scale number. I know that. I can run up flights of stairs without needing a few minutes to catch my breath. I enjoy seeking out exercise opportunities so I can track my "fit-points".

No one warns you how hard it is to pump at work, to work every day to make sure your supply is up and healthy. No one warns you about the anxiety, the gut wrenching feeling when you only pump a few ounces in a sitting vs your usual. I, in addition to what I hope is millions of other new moms, thought that breastfeeding and pumping was straightforward- you just get milk out and feed your baby. WHO KNEW that your supply can decrease and increase based on what you eat and drink? I know this seems absurd, truly, but if we were existing in a post-apocalyptic world, I used to think- hey, at least I can always feed my baby through breastfeeding! But no. I never knew that in order to do that, I'd have to steal everyone's food and water to make sure I can feed my baby!


Well, my time limit is up to blog during her nap time. My main goals in writing this post is to get the word out about Matrescence (get more google hits on it!), and to show any other new moms that what they are going through emotionally and physically is OKAY. It may not be what everyone else is going through exactly, as we all have very different lives, situations, spouses, and babies, but just know that we are all in this together. Use each other and talk it out, with anyone. Oh, and stay off the internet, its terrifying and has greatly contributed to my new mom anxiety.

I am now going to get little one up, and enjoy Sunday night football by our fireplace with my spouse and Abby! It's the little moments like those to keep you going through the scary ones! Hold on to that! <3


Love, the New Motherboard


If you are interested in more resources about Matrescence, check these out:

Alexandra Sacks, M.D.

Matrescence- What Is It?

Why we need the word Matrescence

SomeSuchStories