The Hard Stuff No One Talks About: Swimming in the Deep End

 I cried all the way to Target today. For absolutely no reason at all, and yet for ALL the reasons. Not even the Target by my own house. I went to the furthest Target in the area on purpose to get that extra, much needed crying time. 

I never thought it would happen to me. Postpartum depression sounds like a label. It seems like such heavy words, a weight to carry if you are labeled with it. Like you’re just a number. I never had it with my first born so I incorrectly assumed “It couldn’t happen to me”. I used to think, can’t people with postpartum depression just do something to make them happier? Like a hobby of theirs, or go on a walk, or talk to someone? I am a nurse and I know all the signs, the symptoms, I know what resources are out there to help people with PPD—and yet, when it happened to me, suddenly I felt at the bottom of a dark well and I left all my “resources and knowledge” about it up at the top. Suddenly It was just me. I am aware of my own self enough to realize that it truly did feel like a shift in my brain, like it wasn’t my normal self operating it. Like a malware virus had been installed and was running the operating system. That’s why I couldn’t just “go do one of my hobbies, take a walk, or do something fun”, because it felt like I didn’t even like those things anymore. I was lying dormant underneath this virus in my brain. And it didn’t make any sense. And it’s going to be hard to explain.

Most of my blogs I try and come on here with humor and make light of the craziness that is raising kids. But its not all light. And I want to normalize these darker parts because none of us talk about it. Whether its postpartum depression, or depression, seasonal affective disorder, or just feeling down in the dumps thanks to COVID, we all do our best to put on our “I’m fine” face and our friends and family sometimes are none the wiser. If something happened right now where each and everyone of us suddenly felt depressed, would we even know that it happened to all of us? Or would each one of us feel isolated and alone because we aren’t reaching out to others to find out none of us are alone?

Let me start by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with anything. I am not on any specific treatment although I will talk below about what has helped me. I don’t know if it is ‘postpartum depression’, or if it is “just” the baby blues. Or lets mix in the fact that we are 10 months into a global pandemic and have all been cooped up in our houses. As a new mom in COVID this really puts a damper on the help that we are allowed to reach out to and accept, whether resources being closed or changed, or the fact we are afraid to let friends in and expose each other to COVID. Let’s ALSO mix in the fact that having a baby in the middle of winter feels a LOT different than having my first born August baby. In August we could go out walking to get out of the house, sit outside, get fresh air, etc. That mixed with seasonal affective disorder is a recipe for anyone to be feeling in the dumps right now. I am also getting very little sleep which highly contributes to these feelings. And it is a lot different this time caring for a toddler AND the newborn- as I can’t just sleep when the baby sleeps because I need to be on 100% of the time to care for my toddler. And it wasn’t like this from Day 1 either. In fact I was doing really well- it felt like I was doing too well- I recovered much faster physically, I wanted to “do all the things” around the house, I felt ready to jump back into learning new things and skills… but literally it was one day- one day- I woke up and felt so different. Like I stated above, it like I wasn’t myself. I could barely talk to my toddler as I got her ready for the day. I could only mutter small one word answers to her innocent questions. All day I felt like I was behind a foggy glass cage and couldn’t see out. I tried watching my favorite tv shows but felt like I was falling further. I literally spent $20 to get my favorite lunch delivered to my house in hopes of cheering me up, and I only ate half of it. I just wanted to cry profusely for no absolute reason at all. So regardless what I am actually suffering from or feeling, it doesn’t negate the fact that these feelings are real and we are not alone. I know I am not alone.

This will likely be my most vulnerable posts I will ever write. I struggled with deciding whether or not to write this. By admitting it, it felt like a weakness, like somehow I was admitting I was not a good mother. That I don’t have it all together. By admitting defeat it felt like to me, was it a mistake having two kids? If I can’t handle the heat why did I step in the fire? Will my friends and family that read this suddenly think different of me? Will they think I am weak? Will they treat me different? But even at the bottom of the dark well, I know enough that those thoughts are the ones controlled by this malware virus. It is an imbalance of hormones, it is not US. But If I can help put down in words what its like to have this imbalance of hormones in the brain, If I can help make even just ONE other mom out there feel less alone, to see that someone else knows exactly what they’re going through, then it is all worth it to me.

My brain makes sense of analogies. It always has. So that’s kind of the way I think and how I can best explain how this feels. The first analogy that seems to make sense of this to me is to picture a big, underground pool. One of those where there are a nice set of steps, then a nice shallow end, and about 6 feet in your feet can feel where it starts to slope downward and then there is a portion where you can kind of stand but it’s a lot more effort. Then there is the full deep-end that requires constant full swimming. Can you picture it? Okay.

Let’s say for the purposes of this analogy, its not good to be in the pool at all. The best place to be here is outside the pool, lounging on a nice chair in the sun with a good book. But if you are in the pool, the best place to be is the shallow end- where there is chaos, splashing, but you can stand. You are grounded. You have all the right coping skills. The stairs are right there for you in case you are tired of the water and want to lounge outside the pool a bit. But you start to feel yourself inching towards that downward slope. You think you’ll be fine. You can swim, after all, right? Its not a big deal. I’m fine, we’re fine. Everything’s fine. You don’t want to sound the alarm just yet. You fear that if you start asking for help now people will think, “but did you even try to swim?” or, “If you can’t swim why did you get in the pool?” or “buckle up buttercup, welcome to parenting”. So you want to test the limits, you want to try and swim to see how strong you are without asking for help. You want to show everyone your Olympic swimming skills and that you’ve got it all under control. But once you’re in that in between area- that space where you can barely touch your toes to the pool liner and you have to kind of uncomfortably tread water to stay afloat- that isn’t fine. Its fine for awhile, maybe. But when you feel like you’ve been in that space for awhile and don’t see any end in sight, that my friend is the ticket to the deepest end of the pool. So you start looking for the lifeguards for help. After birth the “lifeguards” were all over you asking if you needed help and were screening you for “your ability to swim”, but now- one month in the pool, the lifeguards all seem to be on their lunch break. Sure, you could holler them over to come save you, but you aren’t sure if that is necessary. I mean, you aren’t actually drowning, right? You’re just struggling. You’re afraid of causing unnecessary concern, or causing a scene in the pool. You are afraid the lifeguards will turn you away and say “you’re fine, we’re  busy saving people that are actually drowning.” So, you keep swimming. And you see your friends and family on lounge chairs outside the water also. Occasionally one throws you a pool noodle for you to float on which feels good but you know its only temporary. What you really want is to ask those friends and family to help get you out of the pool, but with them too- you fear that they will either not be able to help or wont want to. You envision excuses of why you shouldn’t ask them, like, “she’s too busy with her new business to help”, or “she’s got a lot going on at work right now”, or “I don’t want to burden her with my problems”, or “she’s never even been in the pool, she won’t understand”, or “we only know each other online, it would be weird to pour all my feelings out to her”, or “I don’t want her to feel sorry for me”, or “am I close enough to this person to tell all this too?” or “she had her kids many years ago, will she remember what this time was like?” or worst of all, worrying if that friend/family will simply just throw you a life jacket full of “positive” thoughts like “well at least your baby is healthy”, “at least your toddler sleeps”, “but your baby is sooo cute”, or any other combination of “at least this, at least that”. You know they mean well, but you’re still in the damn pool, struggling to swim. And then there are the friends and family that you wonder, can’t you see me struggling here? But then you realize that they aren’t mind readers—and you haven’t asked them for help so how are they to know that you’re struggling to swim? It is like we just expect people to see us struggle and pull us out of the pool, but in reality that doesn’t happen until we either ask for help, or its too late and you’re in the deep end. I won’t even talk about the deep end because frankly I haven’t been there. I am still in that in-between space, struggling to swim but occasionally can reach the bottom of the pool, occasionally I get a pool float, and I see hope of returning to the shallow end- hopefully sometime soon.

The other analogy that feels right to me is standing in a pitch black room. You feel all alone but at the same time you KNOW there are other people in the room, you just don’t know who they are. You know that by simple law of probability, there’s gotta be some of your friends and family in the room with you but you don’t know which ones. So eventually you fight, you fight your way with every possible shred of hope and coping skill you have, and you light a match. And with that match you light a torch. And with that torch you carry you shine the light upon others and now you don’t feel as alone anymore. And neither do they. And together you light more torches and find more people. And now the room isn’t dark anymore and you all can see that none of you have been alone this entire time, just in the dark. That’s how I feel- that if 1 in 10 moms suffer like this, that we are all in the dark room and if we just lit our torches and looked around, chances are we would find unexpected friends and family there that are right there with us and we can help each other, even if its just the simple fact of knowing we are in this together, even if we don’t have the answers.

So what is this pool, exactly? I use it as an analogy, but for what? Well, I think its different for all of us. Perhaps we are each in our own little pools, in a vast sea of pools side by side, full of different water droplets that make up each of our own pools. Maybe that’s why its so easy to feel so alone and isolated because we are each in our own pool despite all being in A pool. Does that make sense? I’m exhausted, so I don’t know lol.

But, if I can try and define some of my water droplets that make up my pool, it’s:

-        Being so exhausted to a whole level that you didn’t even know possible. Right now Ryland is up every 3 hours overnight to feed and that means I get about 2 hour intervals of sleep. Then when I wake up I am up with toddler all day so I maybe get a half hour nap all day (sometimes more if my husband is able to help), until a bedtime of about 11-12 pm. Sometimes it takes me literally more than 20 seconds to figure out what MONTH we are in. Or if I already put sweetener in my coffee. I hate that feeling of pure exhaustion where you think if given the chance, you could sleep standing up.

-        Being so exhausted BUT when given the chance to nap, you cant sleep.

-        Being so exhausted but you have to carefully time out when your caffeine intake is, and how much you can have, due to breastfeeding.

-        The guilt that you probably did give your baby too much caffeine through breast milk by accident.

-        The extreme mom guilt of letting your toddler watch movie after movie or youtube video because its all you have the strength to entertain her with.

-        The mom guilt of TRYING one activity a day with your toddler but this ends in tears, for both of you.

-        When you are trying your absolute hardest but someone else (often the people closest to us) make us feel less than and a terrible parent.

-        It’s knowing your husband is in the pool with you, but he’s also struggling and neither of you can help the other one out. The only thing you can each do is keep throwing each other the pool noodle so one can get relief at one time—but yet when its your turn to float on the pool noodle you are over consumed by guilt that you’re letting your husband struggle to swim while you float.

-        The uncontrollable snack eating, unclear to yourself if its breastfeeding replenishment or eating my feelings, or both.

-        ^Having to respell replenishment multiple times because you’re too tired to know how to spell replenishment. Thank you Microsoft Word.

-        When your toddler falls asleep but then the baby is inconsolable.

-        When the baby falls asleep but then the toddler wakes them up by accident.

-        When the baby falls asleep but then the dog wakes them up by barking for the millionth time that day.

-        When the dog eats your lunch that you walked away from for just a second.

-        When the dog eats the toddlers snack, and then eats the toddlers bowl, rendering another bowl unusable.

-        When the toddler won’t eat the lunch you made for her. Or breakfast. Or dinner.

W-        The mom guilt of just giving your toddler the same old things each meal because you don’t have the strength to fight her on begging her to eat what you made.

-        The mom guilt of knowing that it could be so much worse, in fact you know of other people that are in way worse situations than you right now, and so why do I feel like this? Why am I not strong enough?

-        When you feel like you literally just fell asleep and the baby is awake again.

WWhen you're trying your absolute hardest to keep it together, but your 2.5 year old says "What's the matter, mommy?" and it shatters your heart into a million little pieces. 

-        The mom guilt of LOVING breastfeeding, truly, but when your boob is “on tap” literally all the time, its hard not feel some resentment.

-        The repetition of it all. Change baby diaper. Get peed on. Again. Change outfit. Feed him. Feed toddler. Play with toddler. Change toddlers diaper. Repeat everything over and over.

-        Toddler constantly asking you to play, even though playing with legos (or whatever) is literally the LAST thing you want to do right now, and that makes you feel so guilty.

-        Its endless scrolling through social media and comparing yourself to all the other moms you know who seem to have it together and wonder why aren’t you doing as well as them.

-        Toddler asking you for a snack all.the.time. but doesn’t eat her meals (without a fight).

-        When your brain feels like mush, not just from the exhaustion but from the lack of learning any new material or participating in adult, intellectual conversations or activities instead of just rewatching the same Disney movies.

-        Rewatching Frozen, Frozen 2 and Tangled for the 184,281,104^th time.

-        Feeling so helpless that your baby has bad gas pains and you feel like its your fault, and you don’t know how to help him.

There are a million other water droplets to make up the pool, but I will leave it at that. The point is, is that none of these individual things is what fills the pool. No, we can handle each one, if that were it. Even if there were a few, its manageable. Its when literally all of the above in that list happens in ONE day, and every day, is when it feels like you’re in that space of not being able to feel the bottom of the pool anymore. Everyone tells you these days will pass, and I know they will. I know that before I know It he will be a toddler and I’ll be missing these days and I will forget how hard it was. I know it will pass. I know its temporary. But when you’re in that headspace, sometimes it feels so hopeless and it feels like these days will go on and on and you will never get sleep again. I literally fantasize about the potentially glorious sleep I will hopefully one day get when these kids are both in college lol. Hopefully I get sleep before that…

So, what HAS helped me? Well, a lot. And that’s part of why I wanted to share all of this with you and open up, not just to show other moms that none of us are alone, but to try and share some resources that may help other moms too.

1.      This happy light has helped a lot. It doesn’t have to be this exact one, but there are multiple ones on the market. I used this during my pregnancy at my work desk and it made a HUGE difference in how tired I felt. But then postpartum, well I obviously wasn’t sitting at my work desk anymore, thus not sitting by my light. I don’t know all the science behind it, but it needs to be within 15 inches of your eyes, and it replenishes the façade of sunlight, tricking your mind to be well, happy and less tired. Maybe its just a placebo, but who cares if it is, if I DO in fact feel less tired on days I can sit by it for at least an hour if not more. This is challenging when caring for a baby and a toddler, but is possible if you can baby wear and put a movie on for the toddler. Amazon.com: Light Therapy Lamp, Miroco UV Free 10000 Lux Brightness, Timer Function, Touch Control, Standing Bracket, for Home/Office Use: Health & Personal Care

2.      Music. Music is the one thing for me that no matter how deep in the water I may feel, it’s the tiny thing that can come find me underwater and pull me back up to the surface. Its my pool noodle. It’s the thing that can make me cry, which is a good thing. We need to cry, its healthy to cry to get it all out and release that pent up sadness and anger. I have dedicated playlists on my music streaming service for my moods. I have one dedicated for those times I want to cry and really sit in my feelings. I have another for releasing some pent up anger and just want to scream. I have another that has really good dance music. Another that has inspiring/uplifting music. I highly encourage the use of music if that’s what works for you, and creating those playlists so you have a better chance of listening to exactly what you need in the right moment for you. And I highly suggest playing this music really, really loud in the car (without your babes) and just sing at the top of your lungs.

3.      Friends! FRIENDS! Yes. So despite all my talk above of feeling so alone, I have had many conversations with friends that feel like those pool noodles- those momentary times when I feel like I’m not struggling, or at least contently floating with a friend, because of a connection with a friend. Now, with COVID, I can’t SEE any of my friends, but I’ve noticed a different positive trend (maybe thanks to covid, maybe not) is that through social media and posting how mom life truly is, the humor, the good, the bad- its brought me together with friends- some that I haven’t even talked to since middle school- and yet they’re going through the same thing! And you end up talking for hours through social media! If you can find a friend that is going through a similar situation as you, it helps SO MUCH. Not just “being in the pool” but just a similar situation as yours. I have a friend that I went to all of grade school with and high school- we lost touch throughout college and our twenties but reconnected through social media because we both had a girl about the same age (5 weeks apart). We started talking and bouncing strategies and tips around with each other, helping each other through night time terrors, picky eating, potty training, or just being there for each other online to vent to. Now we both have baby boys , also close in age (about 10 weeks!) so we are going through a very similar situation. But having her is so invaluable knowing that she can emphasize with exactly what I’m going through and I can help her too. But not just her- I am lucky that I have a lot of friends online that also have young kids and have been able to receive and share sooo many tips with these other moms and have great conversations.

4.      MOM GROUPS. On facebook, there are so many mom groups its ridiculous. But they can be helpful. And harmful too, so just be wary. Try them, see if they help you but don’t be afraid to leave the group if it brings you any negativity, comparison, mom guilt or anything. But there are so many helpful ones, unique to what ails you. Struggling with pumping? There’s a group. Struggling with breastfeeding? There is a group for that. Struggling with postpartum depression? Not only did I find a national resource group for that, but also  LOCAL Pennsylvania one so I can potentially connect with moms struggling just like me, near me. I say that they can be harmful too, because I read these other moms stories and the extreme hardships they face (single parenting, lack of help, no money, hard jobs, little to no maternity leave, many children, abusive households, etc) and it makes me feel guilty again that I am struggling internally but feel like I shouldn’t be in comparison to how hard these other women have it.

5.      Instagram. No really- it has been a total game changer for me in some positive ways, despite the bad rep social media carries. IF you use it for good, its very helpful. I follow specific accounts that have helped me in so many ways. Here are some to share:

a.      @biglittlefeelings helps me navigate how I want to raise my toddler and handle tantrums and her feelings.

b.      @thebirdspapaya focuses a lot on body image and how we allllll have that mom pouch and she displays it proudly, and she’s still gorgeous. It makes it feel easier to love my own self and body too, seeing her bravery and authenticity. She also just had a newborn baby and I can connect with a lot of her content.

c.      @jadelizroper – yes, she’s from bachelor nation, and she’s an influencer so you gotta deal with some ads, but she also has 3 kids under 4 and I can therefore obviously connect with a lot of what she’s going through. She’s opened up a lot about depression as well.

d.      @momsbehavingbadly – this account just makes me laugh, that’s all. A lot.

e.      @karrie_locher GREAT resource for new moms. She is a labor & delivery nurse and shares so much great content for new moms.

f.       @drbeckyathome – another great resource spanning a lot of different topics for new moms, PPD, anxiety, raising kids, etc.

You gotta find accounts that work for you. Most importantly with social media, if you are scrolling and ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHINNNGGGGGGG-that makes you feel LESS THAN, or GUILTY, or ANYTHING negative, YOU HAVE THE POWER to UNFOLLOW that person, regardless if they are your flesh and blood or a person you don’t even know. Your social media, if you use it, should only be there to show you helpful content or things that make you feel good.

6.      Journaling. Journaling is sooo helpful. I often feel too tired to do so, but I do try and write about once a week. There are some things far too private to share on this blog, but I still need to get them off my chest, and journaling is the perfect way to do that. And it doesn’t have to be a scary commitment. Sometimes all you have to do is promise yourself you’ll try and write one paragraph about how your day was. Or write for ten minutes, that’s it. You’ll often find that you’re then on a roll and write a lot more.

7.      My last helpful tidbit is this website: Postpartum Support International - PSI . I found them actually through one of the accounts listed above in Instagram. What I liked is that I immediately saw that you can text them. This I liked because I have literally always hated talking on the phone. And remember my example with the lifeguards and the pool? Talking on the phone seems like I was asking a lifeguard for help even though I wasn’t drowning, and that just all felt too heavy and real. Plus I knew if I talked it out, I would probably just start bawling. But texting felt much more manageable. What happens is you reach out to them via text, and they connect you within a reasonable time frame to a volunteer in your area to just talk (text) things out with you. They offer suggestions to help, or just listen as you send paragraphs of venting to a total stranger. They also offered to set me up with a therapist in my area and also sent me links to some mom groups on facebook I mentioned above.

 

Well, I know this has been a ridiculously long blog. And if you’ve made it this far, wow. Kudos. I don’t even expect anyone to have read it all, but I do feel a weight lifted off of me by sharing it all. Hopefully some piece of it somewhere can help another mom or person, whether it be today, tomorrow or in 10 years. Or even my own children one day reading this. Who knows.

What I really, really want to leave you with- is if you are reading this, whether you are my family, or my friend, or even if you don’t even know me, if any of this content connects with you and makes you feel like you want to open up, I am here for you. I can be your pool noodle or life jacket, or I can help light your torch. We all can help light each others torch if we all just start talking and reaching out. And I know its so hard. But I am here and I will always listen. And I wont try and offer you positive vibes of “at least this, and at least that” but I will listen. I wont try and make it better but I will listen.

 

Thank you all. Thank you.

With love,

The New Motherboard.

Lessons Learned: Some Old, Some New

 Well, We have all survived as a family of 4 for 10 days! Boy has it been a journey! Not just week one of newborn life, but just for fun throw in a toddler, Christmas Day and New Years in the mix also, OH and a pandemic. And just for extra sprinkles on top, a crazy dog and 2 cats. 

Alas, we are all alive. Somehow our memories make us forget what the newborn days are like so that we procreate again, because we are both wondering "Was it this hard with our first??" And the answer is no and yes. It is different. Being the second child makes it easier because we know what to expect (mostly), but much harder juggling a toddler and a newborn this time around. But things do come back to you like riding a bike, like breastfeeding, diaper changes, newborn baths, etc. 

My toddler (2 years and 4 months) hasn't really warmed up to him yet. She does seem to care for him, and frequently wants to know his whereabouts, wants him to be in the same room, brings him toys, and now is into shouting "It's Okay! It's Okay!" when he is crying (it's the cutest). But she does not want to hold him, or touch him, or any type of contact yet. We are letting her do it when she is ready on her own terms. We are definitely seeing some behavior changes as well with her as she adjusts to this new transition and realizing she's no longer the center of attention. I am trying to do all the things, give her 1:1 time, tell her I love her, keep her routine as stable as possible, give her clear explanations for what I am doing with baby boy but not blaming him for why I cannot play with her. Hopefully she adjusts soon! We also struggle to adequately keep her entertained and busy, but due to the fact that we are all in what I call "basic survival mode" meaning making sure everyone is alive, fed and somewhat rested- entertainment is hard to muster up. So, big amounts of gratitude go to Disney +, as I can now proudly say I have memorized the scripts to not just Olaf's Frozen Adventure, Frozen, Frozen 2, but also now working on Once Upon a Snowman. Frozen is now officially her favorite thing ever. Normally I might feel guilty about letting her watch all of these in one day....um, every day, but again, survival mode. Honestly, if my toddler will sit there nicely playing toys and watching movies that I  in fact also like, then its a win right now. We will work on the screen time later. We are parenting a newborn and a toddler in a pandemic! Basic-survival-mode. 

But week one, it's been rough. However we are so blessed that we have a support system, although it is more challenging this go around with COVID mixed in. We can't really accept much external help due to the fear of introducing COVID in this vulnerable household right now, so yet another change in how we have been able to welcome him into the world.

The nights have been rough- He is awake about every 2 hours (sometimes 2.5) at night, and changing him and feeding him takes about 30-40 minutes, giving me about 90 minutes maximum to sleep in between. And thats if I fall asleep right away. That is sometimes the hardest part of new motherhood. It's easy enough to say, "okay I have 90 minutes, let's sleep the whole time!" but really, mom ears are always open and every little baby grunt or whimper whips me wide awake again, and I spend a large amount of time stressing myself out with thoughts like, "Okay, now is your chance- ya better sleep now...like right now...go to sleep...count the sheep...now's your chance...Soon he will be awake again...sleep now or forever stay awake...soon your time is up..." and it goes on and on. During the day I get about 3-3.5 hour naps out of him, but of course we are chasing our toddler around all day. So "Sleep when the baby sleeps" carries a new meaning when you introduce your second. And it's pretty much nonexistent. Basically we have still been able to take naps with the use of "who's turn is it to nap" and one parent will man both kids while the other can peacefully get a solid 2 hours. 

At night I also find myself not sleeping in my desired positions either. After you put the baby in the bassinet, of course you must awkwardly stand there making sure all your efforts have worked and it appears in fact that he will go to sleep. Once you've accepted the fact that just maybe, he does indeed appear to be falling asleep, you realize OMG my 90 minutes has now started, its now like 87 minutes! So you carefully crawl into bed (our bassinet is right next to my side) so as not to make any noise. But THEN, You can't get into a perfectly comfortable position because THEN you are pretty much asking the baby gods to wake your baby up, thus you must let go of your comfy position and attend to baby. So INSTEAD, you awkwardly lay there in pretty much whatever position you got in the bed, and compromise with the baby gods- "I will agree to lay here uncomfortably if you just give me 2 hours of sleep" and there we go. Except sometimes the baby Gods still go back on their word, and on nights like last night, baby is up at 2 am and doesn't truly find more sleep until 6:30 when we all give up and come downstairs. These days, I find extra comfort in latching on to dreams I have had, because they are proof that I did in fact sleep. I'd also be lying if I said I haven't googled how much night nurses cost! Just kidding, I won't go there...yet. 

Having a boy has its other challenges of course that having a girl did not bring prior! Of course I am talking about the lovely diaper changes. Prior to newborn life, I heard all the warnings, but thought, how hard can it be? Just keep the diaper over the area and you won't get peed on. HAH! HA! We have been shot with valiant streams of pee (it really is amazing how high it can go) multiple times. On our first night home, I assure you we went through approximately 5 outfits (JUST overnight). Luckily we have improved slightly since then and *only* range 1-2 outfits per night now. If we are lucky enough to catch it from shooting in the air, we still sometimes face it creating puddles underneath as well. BUT I have learned some tips, in which I will share with you- in possible hopes it may help another boy mom out there!

From this point forward, lets just refer to "it" as well...It.

Step 1: Roll up the onesie as far up as you can go as to prevent babies outfit from getting soaked. 

Step 2: Place a new diaper directly under the still fastened, dirty diaper, so as also to protect the changing pad from puddles.

Step 3: Open up the old diaper. NOW WAIT. NO SUDDEN MOVES. "It" has now seen the cold and you are now in the danger zone. DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF IT. THE MINUTE YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF IT, IT WILL SHOOT HIGHER THAN THE YELLOWSTONE FOUNTAIN GEYSER. 

Step 4: If you aren't lucky enough to promote the pee fountain during these first 30 seconds with the old diaper still there ready to re-shut to capture the pee, then try waving at it to further induce coldness. No I don't mean waving hello, you know what I mean- just wave to blow air on it. Repeat Step 3. 

Step 5: If you have not been able to induce the stream of pee, you're now on your own. Ya gotta do the rest As-Fast-As-POSSIBLE. Have your wipes ready, have the butt cream ready and ready set GO! Get that old diaper out and new diaper fastened as soon as possible! Beat your own record every time! We still sometimes have gotten hit during this danger zone, but the likelihood has been a little less. 

We did buy these little "pee pee teepees" that basically provide somewhat of a pee shelter in hopes of catching most of the pee if he does go. But these have not quite stopped the other problem of the puddles underneath, plus they don't stay on great, especially with small squirmy babies like mine. 

Speaking of buying things, holy canoli. First off, let me express my gratitude for Amazon, especially during this pandemic. I realize I suddenly need something, and I'm on Prime ordering it right away. Sometimes I don't even know if the product exists and Amazon shows me the light! (Like the pee pee tee pee!- I just typed "pee shelter" into the search bar, and who knew- it exists!) And also I'd like to express even MORE gratitude for Amazon's return policy. Four products in the last 10 days, FOUR, I have bought hastily because I was convinced I needed it for my postpartum recovery or for baby, and by the time it arrived (granted there were holiday shipping delays), I realized I did not in fact need it. RETURN. 

As for my recovery, I must say it has seemingly gone much better than I felt it did with my first. Maybe its because I knew what to expect, maybe not. I had the same degree tear but this time overall felt like I healed faster. My biggest piece of advice to any pregnant mom is to start a miralax regime about a month prior to expected delivery and continue post partum. It will REALLY help that first poo after birth which is NO-JOKE. In fact Miralax might be my new go-to present I gift to new moms at their baby showers. I might get weird looks but they will thank me after their first poo. 

My milk came in around day 3, 4 ish and hot diggity. I cannot actually believe women pay a lot of money to feel like this ALL THE TIME. I truly feel like I am a breast size X right now and it is ridiculous. I know my body is still figuring it out but MAN. Whenever the baby nurses, he's basically telling my body each time and each day how much my body should continue to make, and frankly the  milk chef is having a hard time keeping up. I visualize a milk waiter taking his order, like- ok so you want 2 oz now, 7 oz later, 5 oz after that, Left boob right boob, 6 oz tonight- and then the waiter gives up and delivers 2 gallon milk jugs and just basically installed a gallon on each boob and told the baby to figure it out. It is insane. 

I'd say the last biggest difference between the first and second kid (besides the gender, duh) has been the comfort level. Although caring for newborns is still really scary and still generates anxiety, the comfort level is still noticeably higher. With my first we literally logged every time I nursed, which boob, how long...every pee, every poo, etc. We used the Glow Baby app and it was great, I highly recommend for new parents. I even printed the spreadsheet it gives you and brought it to my pediatrician and he laughed at its insaneness. This time around, we made it to day four with logging everything. Basically, is he peeing? Yes. Is he pooping? Yes. Is he eating? Yes. Thats all we need to know. Everything works. As for remembering which boob I handed out last and exactly what time it was? No idea. But we're figuring it out. 

The last thing I leave you with is the emotional state. Being a new parent is so hard, so emotionally and physically exhausting that sometimes each day its hard figuring out how to keep going. How to face yet another night of no sleep. The best advice I can help give is to do teamwork parenting. Take turns on who is doing what. Give each other turns napping like I mentioned above. Give each other GRACE and don't get on each others case about what they are or are not doing right now. Show each other love and support as you are each struggling in different ways. Balance the duties. If the mom is exclusive breastfeeding, then dads can help with more diapers, or the dishes, or laundry, etc. Set goals for the day. That sounds overly ambitious, but I actually mean it to be the opposite. Set one goal or intention for the day, and everything else is icing on the cake. For example, "today we will just do one load of laundry", or "today I will fold yesterdays load of laundry", "today I will wash the dishes", and literally GO YOU. You set a goal, even if its a small one, and rest the rest of the day. In fact, writing this blog today was my only goal. The rest of the day has been baby snuggles! And lots of pee and poop. But give yourself grace. Give yourself rest. 

So many people have asked me in the first couple days, "do you need anything", or "how can I help", but I don't know what to tell people. What we need is someone to help pick up all the toddlers toys off the ground for the millionth time, someone to help make dinners, someone to do laundry, the dishes, etc. Unfortunately with COVID its a lot harder to even accept that kind of help right now.  So we cope. See above: basic-survival-mode. When hubby goes back to work....I'm still trying to figure out how I will survive, but again I plan to use my goal/intention technique above- one goal, one task, and the rest will be icing on the cake. 

Thank you all for reading my extensive word vomit. Newborn life is no joke. Its ONE of the hardest parts of parenting but also one of the best, too. The newborn snuggles are THE BEST, truly, the BEST. My toddler doesn't really snuggle anymore because she's always on the go, so when my little man will fall asleep in my arms, it is the best feeling ever. I cherish these days and am doing my best to record them in words and in pictures because I truly know how fast they go! 

Thank you for reading, 

Love, The New Motherboard. 

A Birth Story: Volume 2!

 Hello Readers!

So the day has come, baby #2 has arrived! I soooo had intentions of writing one final blog while pregnant, but, life had other plans! So everyone loves a good birth story, so here is mine! If birth stories aren't your thang, I suggest you skip this one. 

Last weekend, i.e. December 19th & 20th and into the beginning of the week, I was having a lot of contractions, but nothing regular. Sometimes 10 minutes apart, sometimes hours. I felt like labor was close but didn't want to get my hopes up, as I had thought the same thing with my first child and she was a week late. I was also 3 cm dilated already as of Friday December 18th! Another indication labor could be soon. We saw my OB Tuesday the 22nd and all agreed that due to babies bigger size and my dilation, I was a candidate for a scheduled induction December 30th. Okay, cool! 8 days to go, hah. Spoiler alert, baby had other plans. 

My week started out normal despite the contractions. I felt an overwhelming desire to finish the artwork I had planned to make for the nursery (our bodies are weird in somehow prepping us to nest like that just in time!). Other than that, I was working full time as normal, and in fact was up late Tuesday night studying for an exam for work scheduled to take the next day (the 23rd). 

I slept horribly overnight, partly attributed to my extraordinary hip pain, bathroom trips, back pain, anxiety for my exam the next day, the usual. Amongst the sounds of my husband getting ready for work I was in and out of sleep as I waited for the sounds of my toddler on the baby monitor. Then all the sudden I was jolted awake at 6:50 AM exactly  by what truly did feel like a 'pop'. They say thats what to expect when your water breaks, but I wasn't convinced yet. I did feel warm water, and started thinking....oh gosh. I sat up, and yep! Water was breaking! Water broke! Holy moley baby is coming TODAY! I ran to bathroom and texted my husband from the bathroom that it was time! The next hour was a rushed madhouse mixed with calling doctor, getting toddler out of crib and ready without alarming her, feeding her a snack, me eating a breakfast feast before labor, packing last minute things for labor and getting out the door...all while continuing to leak, a lot! Luckily also the contractions hadn't really started yet. 

We delivered our toddler to where she needed to go for our labor plan and got to the hospital by about 8:30 AM. Keep in mind, this was so far a completely different experience for me because my first child was a planned induction so things started off much smoother rather than water breaking. So they brought me back to triage and the doctor is all like, "so I hear you think your water broke", and I'm like, geez how many people do you guys get that think they broke it but didn't? But regardless I was like, uh- yep. He needed to confirm it and looked "down there" for about 2 seconds and was like, "Yep I've seen enough!" So admitted I was- you get to go straight pass GO. 

We were admitted by about 10 am or so. The beginning was smooth enough, just answering lots of questions (multiple times), me begging them for food (I was ALREADY starving despite my best efforts at a pre-labor feast), and them monitoring baby. Unfortunately however I was not making much dilation progress on my own after that and contractions were infrequent to their liking. So I had to start Pitocin, the fun drug that speeds up labor by telling your uterus to contract. I dreaded this because of the memories of the painful contractions it brought on with my first induction. I wasn't aware of the fact that you still may need Pitocin even if your water breaks on its own, so news to me! They started the pitocin around 12 pm, and I wanted to at least attempt to see what these contractions would feel like this time around even though I knew it was about a 0.0000534% chance I would make it far without an epidural. Sure enough, by about 2 pm I was knocking down the anesthesiologist's door to get that epidural STAT. It went a lot smoother this time because I was able to stay still with ease this time as contractions weren't AS painful YET. Plus I got a fun button that I could bolus more pain meds whenever I wanted- Rollin'! 

About 4 pm I thought for sure, boy by now I must be dilated- but nope- my body only went up to 5 cm since getting the epidural. Which, okay, great. Progress. The nurse said once I got over 5 the rest would speed up. Cool. They positioned me in all sorts of weird poses involving peanut shells and throne positions to try and convince baby to move down. I still was begging for food and trying to con anyone and everyone into slipping me some dark chocolate, but to no luck. I never realized how fast I would eat orange gelatin like it was the best food ever in my life. Couldn't say the same thing about chicken broth, though. 

At about 5:30 ish, the resident and nurse come in and are basically like "the monitor is showing your contractions are too close together, so we need to place some sort of device "up there" to get a more accurate picture" and I'm like, oh okay yeah whatever you need to do. Well she checks "up there first" and is immediately like- well- nevermind! We are ready to push! 

So in the blink of an eye we went from 2 people to 8 people (maybe more, I lost count especially with everyone in a mask). Even though I was at 10 cm, the baby apparently wasn't far down enough yet so I had to still sit up and "wait until I feel pressure" (and also wait for my OB to get there). I am the type of person that does better when prepped as much as possible for what to expect- and all the sudden when there are all these people in your room it just feels really scary! 

Basically once my OB arrived and everyone was in position, we did a "practice push" at 6:25 pm, and that suddenly turned into a whirlwind of "Wait, don't push!" because the head was coming out and the OB wasn't ready yet. She finished getting ready with all her gear and we did 3 more pushes and literally by 6:27, he was here!! 6 pushes and 2 minutes! He was 8 lbs, 3 oz and 20 inches ! Big baby for being 38 weeks gestation!

The rest was magical, lots of goo and skin to skin and ALL love. Everything was great with baby boy and we snuggled so much for about 2 hours minus the checks they had to do. 

The rest is boring- due to COVID my husband and I were pretty much trapped in our room until discharge. No visitors allowed was hard for us not being able to have our parents come by. Lots of TV was watched and baby snuggles! 

Overall what strikes me the most is how similar my two deliveries were. Even though my water broke with this one and I was induced with the other, besides that the timelines were remarkably the same. With my first, I arrived to the hospital at 7, pitocin started by 9, water broke (by them) by 12, epidural by 2, and pushed by 5:40 and she was out by 5:55! Our kids are only about 30 minutes apart, and both born on a Wednesday, and even just one day apart in the month! (my first born on the 22nd of the month!)

We officially came home Christmas Day and have been in a sleepless but also still magical time as a family. Look forward soon to my next blog of our newborn week 1 adventures! 

Thank you everyone for reading! 

With Love, 

The New Motherboard

Newly Off-Duty Boobs at Target

Hello!! We have survived month 2! She is so young yet, but at the same time I can't believe how old she feels already! I feel like I can already see her personality coming through, she's full of wonder, laughter, still LOVES music, and definitely knows how to tell us what she wants. In loud voices! My favorite part is her facial expressions she does with her eyes/eyebrows when she's thinking, and her new social smiles. She mostly smiles when she sees our faces up close, if we make funny faces, or....if she sees my boobs. No joke, her seeing my boobs without a top is equivalent to my husband finally seeing his favorite Oktoberfest beer on tap in the fall. All smiles. Its kind of adorable.

Not sure what is in my milk however because she is growing like a weed! At 6 weeks she was the size of a 3 month old, weighing in at 11 pounds 2 oz, and 23 inches! At this moment she's almost outgrowing 3 month pants! I don't know how she's so tall, as my husband is average and I am most definitely in the short category, but who knows! I stopped growing in 8th grade so hopefully she has a better shot at growth than I did. Her motor development skills are on pointe, as she is turning from tummy to back and is picking her head up almost the full 90 degrees. It's so amazing to see each day new things she can do. She is learning language as she explores her voice and all the sounds she can make. She loves to have conversations with us, even though her end of it is mostly just vowels :-)

Breastfeeding is still going extremely well and is my favorite thing to do with her so far, it is such an incredible bonding experience I couldn't trade for the world. Even on those days like yesterday, when I was already short on time, got all set up on the couch, baby on boob, but then realized I forgot a vital piece of my manual pump for the other boob and said boob was already started to spew milk everywhere, so here I un-recline the couch, keep baby on boob, carry the boppy and baby into the kitchen and grabbed the pump piece, made it back to the couch and baby managed to keep sucking the whole time! If someone had come in my door at that time it would surely have been a sight to see.   Also, my "let-down" is so strong still that one of these days baby is going to take out her own nerf gun and fill it with milk and squirt it in MY eye. The poor thing may have more milk accidentally squirted up her nose or eye than most babies should.... oops!

I never truly knew how much information, knowledge and work it takes to breast feed. Naive pre-baby me thought it was as simple as latching the baby on when they needed to eat. And it is. Except then you have to constantly think about your supply and make sure you're eating and drinking enough. Like drinking water all day. You have to time your coffee intake to an exact science to get it as far away from her next feeding/pumping as possible. Then there is pumping! Milk storage! Bottles! A book I'm reading about breastfeeding pinned it on the tail when she stated that breast feeding IS as easy for women that can stay home with the baby as a stay at home mom and practically never, ever leave the house and remain with baby all the time. But for women who will be returning back to work or enjoy leaving the house at times without baby, breastfeeding is a lot more involved. But I still wouldn't trade it for the world. I guarantee you if someone offered to pay me 1 million dollars to stop breastfeeding right now, I wouldn't. Sorry hubby :-p Some of the products I have seen to market to breastfeeding women have been HILARIOUS. I got an ad for a "hands free breast-pump", which at first I was like, oh cool- so you can do things without holding it there or pumping it yourself. But then the (perfect) woman in the picture ad has these ginormous pumps (uncomfortably it looks) attached to her (perfect) boobs, and what is she doing with her newly freed hands? She's cutting up VEGETABLES. Because yeah, that's the FIRST thing I would want to do if I suddenly could pump without hands for $500. Veggies. They need to think of new marketing for that one.

She can officially take bottles now with pumped breast milk and that has been such a relief. As much as I LOVE the breastfeeding experience, having the newly found freedom to know I can go places without worrying about a screaming, starving newborn at home is such a relief. Last week, hubby got home from work and I declared I needed a trip to target. I had been thinking about this trip not only all day, but pretty much that entire week. I even clipped out coupons I thought about it that much. So I left baby with daddy and a bottle, and me and my newly off-duty boobs HAPPILY skipped to target. Let me tell you, it was GLORIOUS. I walked up and down those aisles so slowly, examining every product, just soaking it all in. Don't get me wrong, I love going places with baby, but like I said in my last post- it's truly an expedition. I truly enjoyed the break of being able to park the car and go directly into the store without the car seat and wondering if she was going to have a meltdown in the middle of the store. And I know its only just begun! Mommy trips to target will definitely be in store for much of my future.

There have been many other lessons learned this month and new products I love. My personality has always had this logic side to me where if something isn't working multiple times in a row, even if its not working by just a little, I think to myself, what can we do next time to make this better? How can we think outside the box here? And I try something new next time. Sometimes it fails miserably, sometimes it improves our process by so much. Trial and error is what it is all about! This skill has helped me immensely in all aspects of my life and in my career. I strongly suggest to new parents not to put up with a process that is stupid or isn't working for you. Think of what you can do to make it better, even if its a crazy idea. It could work!

Two products I know I may not be able to live without this month are the Wubanub and the baby shusher. The Wubanub is a unique pacifier that has a tiny stuffed animal attached to it. Baby wouldn't take other pacifiers until this one. Don't ask me, it makes no sense because its literally the same pacifier (the plastic itself) as the others we have, but she loves it with the animal. I always feel like a cruel human when its time to clean them and I hold the animal over a boiling pot of water and dip in the plastic pacifier. I find myself making a voice for the animal like No, not me, noo! ....... Yes, its sad what happens when you stay at home all day with your baby with no adult human conversation....I fully admit it. This has happened and other sad conversations.

My other favorite product is the "baby shusher". Its literally no bigger than the size of a potato and it goes in the babies crib. It plays the sound of someone saying "shhhhh" over and over again. You can set it to play for 15 minutes or 30. We play it for 30. At first I saw it advertised and I was skeptical. But I figured, theres no assembly required and if baby doesn't like it we can return it. We gave it a good 2-3 nights and by the 3rd night this thing is magic. Some nights its longer than others, but usually within 10 minutes of the "Shhh" sound, she is out like a light. Frankly, I actually find it soothing too as she sleeps in the bassinet on my side. Is that weird?

Other laughable product moments include the time I bought a "boogie bulb" on amazon. The one they give you at the hospital is GREAT, but frankly we are lazy people and it was always upstairs when we were downstairs or vice versa. So we ordered another for boogie sucking. About a week later, the amazon distributor sends me an email asking for me to review their product. Me in my half awake state over my bowl of cereal started imagining the review I would write, "this boogie bulb man...it does EXACTLY what it is supposed to do. It sucks. No literally, it sucks! It sucks those boogies out SO WELL I just sit there in pure awe when I'm done. How can a tiny piece of blue plastic ever have competed so well with the one I got from the hospital? This one, my friend! This boogie bulb!"
...... But seriously, what the heck do they expect when they send these emails? Obviously new parents are buying them. New, exhausted, short tempered parents who aren't going to take the time to review A BOOGIE SUCKER. I mean C'MON.


Speaking of products, baby clothes. Let's talk about that. Completely adorable. But due to the fact that my child is growing faster than the twilight half vampire baby, we have outgrown the size she needs for the temperature/season we are rapidly coming into. We realized we didn't have enough warm items. So off to clothing shop we go and I quickly realized that the number on the tag means nothing. Baby clothes come in the following sizes:

• No way
• This would have worked a month ago
• This is cute but isn't the right season for it
• This says it will fit but my kid is definitely too big for that
• This will fit now but only for the next week
• This will fit her chest but not length wise
• This will fit her length wise but not in the chest 
• This says it will fit in what should be 6 months from now but will fit today
• Size who the hell knows I'm done with this store just buy it and she'll fit into it eventually

Seriously though. Gerbers, Carters, and all the other small clothing companies need to get together and get on the same measuring system. One companies size 3m is anothers 6m! Its ridiculous. 

Overall, all joking aside, these first two months of her life have truly been magical. If you can't laugh at the situation or yourself as you struggle through these experiences then you will indeed go crazy. Don't try and be the perfect parent. We can only truly succeed when we make mistakes (a lot of them) and see what we did wrong and learn from it. Otherwise we are just dumb ignorant parents.

One nice thing that I will leave you with is a new phenomenon I have noticed since her birth. I consider myself a fairly spiritual person and believe that there are forces at play on this earth beyond our control. Something unique about myself is that for most of my life that I can remember, whenever I am about to pass underneath a street lamp, I see them turn off all the time. Not every single one of course, but it happens more times than likely to happen to call it a coincidence. I always just brushed it off and thought it was cool. Well, since her birth, when I'm driving now, I see dead street lamps ahead and right as we are about to go under, the lamp turns on! And again, I've noticed this more times than likely for a coincidence. I consider this to be one of two things (or both): it is one of her deceased ancestors saying hello and they are watching over us, or that  my energy that used to turn off the lamps has now changed since the birth and symbolically, her birth has lit a new light inside of myself..... Call me crazy but it's what I believe.


With that  I leave you, thank you so much for reading. I hope mommies and daddies out there found something useful, even if its just knowing you aren't alone. We are all going through it!

Love, the New Motherboard <3

First Month of Baby Life

Welp! Its already been one month! Now first thing I'd like to mention is the fact that time, is confusing. I literally called BS on time this week as my husband and I argued over who was right. The argument was, does Abby turn one month old at 4 weeks (yesterday), or on September 22nd? (She was born August 22nd). Everyone except me votes August 22nd. Which is cool. All good. Except in my mind she technically IS a month old as of yesterday as she has lived four weeks. But we can all agree to disagree lol.

But anyway, one month down, and it's been great! SOOOO full of lessons learned which I can't wait to share with you all, and already so many wonderful memories.

Abby is very healthy and already interacts with us! We don't see the pediatrician again til the first week of October, but we weigh her on our scale at home and she is almost 10 pounds! And she's definitely longer but I'm not attempting to measure her. Changing her diaper and keeping her legs straight for longer than 2 seconds is already enough of a challenge! But I can tell as she is already outgrown some of her newborn sleep sacks as she is too tall now! Developmental wise she is trying really hard to turn on her side but isn't quite there yet. She gets her thighs going to turn but can't quite find the power to turn herself over yet. I give it to month 2 and she will get it. I want to say I think she's smiling at us and there has been one or two times so far that I really think she did smile socially. The rest are probably poop smiles but I will take them anyway! Abby also LOVES music. If she is crying, almost 9 times out of 10 we can get her to stop if we play some music. She especially loves 3 particular songs from the Broadway musical "Newsies". No joke. "Carrying the banner" almost makes her stop crying every single time. It started out as a joke because we saw the musical while I was pregnant and she was kicking SO MUCH during the songs that we joked that she must love it. And when she came out and was crying we tried playing it as a joke and....silence. So our kid loves music. And Newsies. I'll take it!

So first I will start out with the lessons we have so graciously learned since our first week. Again, some are in humor but some are totally serious and I hope they help other parents!

1. When going out, pack more than one pacifier! Ignorant me was all like, yeah this one pacifier should be fine. I even had a nice case for it like a rock star first time parent. That pacifier was on the floor in about 2 minutes. No more pacifier. Pack more pacifiers. Like, five.

2. Don't rely on pacifiers. I am exclusively breastfeeding, so they told us to wait 4 weeks to offer it to her. Well, 2.5 weeks in and I was pretty desperate. Especially at night when she was going through a phase where she just wanted the boob for comfort. I researched options for pacifiers that are okay for exclusively breast fed babies and found the Soothie Pacifier and one also made by our bottle company, Nanobebe. YES! So I got it and I kept it as my secret weapon. It gave me comfort for awhile thinking that oh yes, you wanna cry? Yeah keep crying because I have a secret weapon in my pocket, this almighty pacifier! I was so confident that when I had to use it, it would be this magical thing.  Nope. One night It got down to having to offer it (about 3 weeks), and low and behold....she kept it in for maybe 30 seconds. So I'm like oh here let me put it back in. Back out. Repeat 100 times. So turns out we don't have a pacifier kid. No secret weapon. When I put it in she literally looks at me like, Mom this is BS theres nothing coming out of here, who do you think you're kidding? Do I look dumb??  So lesson learned here? I don't know. I don't even know. I guess just don't rely on that as your back up secret weapon. She is up to maybe keeping it in for 5 minutes tops but often will spit it out and cry again, or fall asleep (yay!).

3. Baby WILL poop within 5-10 minutes after changing the diaper. It will happen. Multiple, multiple times. I just laugh at that point. One time I literally picked her up off the changing table and there was a very loud audible shart.  Please tell me other parents have had times where they go through 3 diapers in 10 minutes???

4. You will get every body fluid on you. Accept it. So many code browns, code yellows, code spit ups I have lost count. Each code brown we have I try and learn what went wrong and what I can do to avoid it next time (see #5). The worst code brown yet, I was changing her diaper and it was only pee! So I'm just humming along there like no big deal, and all the sudden the ground shook and this ginormous fart came out of her little bum, accompanied by liquid gold that literally just shot out. In just a second it was on my hand(s), the wipe container, the diaper bag, the wall, the FLOOR (I'm not joking!), and probably other things I haven't found yet. I literally stood there frozen like WTF just happened for about 5 seconds before I jumped into action. Its times like those you don't even know what to clean first! Do you clean the baby but then risk baby getting poop on again from the dirty changing table?? Or do you clean the walls and the FLOOR (still enamored by this) first? I haven't figured that answer out yet.

5. Preventing code browns/ Code brown clean up:
a. DID YOU KNOW that Onesies pull DOWN? Yes. It's true. Turns out those weird shoulder flaps aren't just meaningless decoration, they are meant to roll down the arm! Yes! So no more trying to roll a very poopy onesie all the way up the back and over the head! It rolls down right off the bum!
b. DID YOU KNOW that diapers are supposed to be turned inside out first to "exercise" the flaps that come in it to prevent leakage? The first 3 weeks of her life we just opened the diapers and put it on. Oh no. Thanks to youtube, I found that if you turn the diaper inside out and arch out all those flaps, then turn the diaper right side in again, place it under bum, you have a much higher success chance of it holding in all that liquid gold. It's amazing. The things they don't tell you in the $30 newborn care class we took.......geez.

6. We will never be on time again anywhere ever. Or at least it feels that way. Need to be somewhere at 6? Okay we should leave our house at 5:30 (time we used to leave). HAHA NOPE. More like Abby has a code yellow/code brown at 5:35 and needs to be fed and we end up leaving at 6. This has happened many, many times. So we are trying to adjust our "need to leave by" times to accommodate, but we still end up being late, a lot.

7. Gone are the days where you could just get out of the car and go into a store. It is now like expedition Everest. It is a journey. Now its park the car. Get out of car. Go to trunk and get stroller base, unfold stroller, go get baby in car seat, place car seat in stroller. Get diaper bag on shoulder. Walk into store with more equipment on you than if you were hiking up Mount Everest. Or skip the stroller and hold the car seat which is almost unrealistic. Turns out there is no way to easily hold a baby in a car seat. It's heavy as all h*ll and I feel like a walking zombie with trying to walk and not letting it hit any other objects, my legs or just holding it in my arms. I have a bruise on my arm from the first time I held it in my arm because I am a wimp.  Its just awkward no matter what. We now go to wegmans and have one cart for the car seat and one cart for the groceries. Like I said, its an expedition.

8. You suddenly reach a new level of tired where telepathy becomes a real thing with you and your spouse. Well, sort of. There has been so many times where we are both up in the middle of the night or in the early morning, and I am sitting in my chair breastfeeding and I'm staring at my husband thinking of all the things I want to say, I'm literally imagining myself saying them but I am too tired to open my mouth. So then later I think I said them and turns out I never did. I think also at times we are both so tired that we just stare at each other and have a conversation without saying anything... You will also reach a new level of tired and find yourself with severe mommy brain and messing simple things up and making mistakes (like trying to breast pump the air, I did that this morning), leaving random things in random places that they don't belong, forgetting to lock doors, close car doors, etc.

9. There will be days where you feel like a total rock star mom/parent and there will be days where every second you are like WTF IS GOING ON. The other day Abby and I had a great day, she took her naps like a champ, ate like a champ, we had a great day, I made dinner like a rock star while Abby slept in her swing and hubby came home and it was like a perfect family all happy and I was like YEAH THIS IS GREAT, PARENTING IS FUN!  And then, there are days like the other day where every move you attempt goes against you, baby is crying for no reason at all, you have every body fluid on you, its one of those days where they poop right after you change them, you are dropping everything (literally why do we drop everything when we are already having a bad day??), and it feels like Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out of your pantry and be like PUNK'd!, and you'd all have a great laugh. That same night we decided to go to the mall in a moment of weakness because we were determined to have cookie dough (craving).  Oh the road is closed we take to get to the mall? No worries, because, well, cookie dough. Lets find another way that takes us 20 extra minutes. Get to the mall and Abby is crying bloody murder because she's hungry. Feed baby in backseat of our car because, cookie dough. Get the stroller out and expedition ready in the rain because, cookie dough. Get inside the mall and bend down to put diaper bag under stroller and literally ALL THE MILK that I collected from my leaky breast and forgot about was now all over my shirt, my jeans and my FLIP FLOP. WHO KNEW you could get breast milk in your FLIP FLOP. Guys, it was literally SQUISHY. It was that moment I no longer felt like a rock star parent and I wanted to sit on the floor, in the mall and cry. But, I walked around the mall with a wet shirt, wet jeans and wet flip flops because well, cookie dough. Cravings, they don't stop when you are no longer pregnant!

10. Stranger negativity (remember how annoyed I got about it in my first post about how strangers feel the need to tell you how hard newborn hood will be when you are pregnant?) Oh yeah, it doesn't stop! I'm telling you, random people we see are like "Aw, cute baby! Just wait til they start walking". Or "ohh wait til the 6 week mark, they no longer sleep", or "wait til they start talking", or "these are the easy days", etc. Why do people feel the need to resort to negativity as a conversation starter? Compliment how cute the baby is and keep walking. Do you think new parents really need to hear that? I'm literally just taking it one day at a time I don't need to hear about what negative experiences may be in store for us.


Anyway, those are the 10 lessons of the month. Overall I can honestly say we have a good baby. There has been lots of learning experiences and challenging moments but overall little Abby is good to us. She is in a pattern now where she is sleeping approximately 12 am -6 am and we are very thankful. She is eating well and breastfeeding is going excellent. I am trying so hard to savor each and every moment with her this small and soak it all in. I love spending all day with her and the thought of going back to work kills me (in 6 weeks). My favorite moments with her are usually right after breastfeeding we snuggle. Or she likes to play what I call froggie time and we hold her and sit her up and bounce her and she loves that, usually we get a few smiles. The other night she made me laugh out loud, I was breastfeeding and in the quiet of the night she farted very loudly and we just made eye contact and both raised our eyebrows. I know it was likely just a reflex on her part but it was hilarious to me at 3 am.

As for my health, I mostly feel back to normal! We try and get out and walk with Abby in the carrier or the stroller and I am up to almost a 3 mile tolerance. So physically doing great. Mentally doing pretty good, too. Anxiety is still high at times as I fear that I am still going to miss something wrong with her or I will do something wrong, but I am trying to manage that. The hospital I delivered with offers a great support group for new moms that I went to and that helped a lot. It was myself and two other moms and we all had 3 week olds and could all relate and were having the same experiences. It helped validate a lot of my feelings and anxiety and showed me its okay to feel this way. For the first 3 weeks or so I was also concerned with myself that I no longer had any interest in doing any of my art. I am very artistic and love to paint, draw, cross stitch, whatever but since her birth I either was too tired, felt like I should be with Abby instead of doing art stuff, or I simply didn't want to do it, which was making me sad. Then one day I picked up my cross stitch piece which is almost done and even though I didn't want to, I forced myself to keep going and that sparked my light again thank goodness. Now I do it almost every day again during Abby's naps, and even got back to painting. Abby sits right next to me as I paint and we listen to music together. It's the best and for me, its a mental health lifesaver. Without my art now I would literally go crazy alone in this house just watching TV all day. No way!

Here are some of my favorite moments in pictures:

Post feeding smile/snuggles:

 Tummy time! Our dog LOVES her sister human and always wants to be a part of everything Abby does. I had Abby alone and then Daisy insisted on doing the same thing. They love each other and it was such a cute moment!

Painting with Abby! 

Thank you every one for reading!!! 

Love, the NewMotherboard <3 

The Adventures of Week One

Wow! Holy cow. Baby Abby is 9 days old and today marks one week since she has been home with us! That is insane. It's crazy to think she's only 9 days old but already it feels like I have known her forever. It's surreal at this point knowing less than two weeks ago she was still inside of me. Happy to report that we saw the pediatrician on Wednesday and she is growing right on par and she has surpassed her birth weight!That means we can let her sleep longer and go longer in between feedings! Good for us...not good for boobs lol.

Surviving week one has been interesting to say the least! I have a lot to share! Please know that these are just my findings with my own baby and that anything I say is not scientifically proven or researched, just my experiences! Also, I am not getting paid by any company to say I like their product.

The first thing I have come to realize is that parenting is a lot like starting a new job. I've had approximately 10 different roles/jobs throughout my years on earth and each one of them seemed like an impossible feat at the time. Even back to my days working at Shoprite(grocery), I remember being promoted to a cashier and learning the register and thinking that was going to be impossible. Soon enough it became something I loved to do! Looking back now, it's one of the easiest jobs I've ever had! But my point is, when you start a new job, everything is scary. Literally nothing makes sense and every little thing you need to learn or gain access to or figure out, and you have no idea who you can even ask for help. But slowly, little by little, at the end of each day at that job, you learned something new. You made lots of mistakes but now you know how you can avoid those mistakes again. Slowly things start making sense and you know more than you knew yesterday. Sure new challenges will come up but that's growth!! So to me, that's how parenting feels. Day one neither of us knew anything, it was like walking on thin ice around here- afraid to do anything wrong. And then little by little, trial and error, we figure things out. We know what not to do the next day. Sure there are set backs but we learn from them!

Here are some of the quick lessons we figured out that I'd like to share with any other new parents!

1) The Boppy? What. The. Heck. Is the point! We are exclusively breastfeeding and I have given the boppy MANY chances and have yet to find it helpful. I'm talking about the half-circle donut that is supposed to wrap around your stomach to aid in positioning the baby. It doesn't. Maybe I just have a weird shape but it doesn't work. Perhaps it may aid in bottle feeding, but for breast feeding, not for me! I always end up having to lift her up more from the boppy thus making it pointless for it to be there, and my arms are just as tired all the same! Literally the first few nights I would rest her head on a stack of diapers I could reach at arms length! In retrospect, lately I have also learned (see these small lessons?) that Boppy also makes a wedge product that works a lot better if I just rest the wedge on top of a blanket. Its a wedge I used throughout the pregnancy to rest my belly on as I slept so I wouldn't feel the weight of my belly dragging downward.

2) Have a burp cloth in as many reachable spots in your household possible. I mean it. I have used many other things (including my shirt) as stand in burp cloths because I forgot to bring one with me and there I am topless and she's on me and spitting up and no other options! My poor husband has fetched me so many cloths when we had moments in need!  Even though I have learned this lesson many times, I am still working on making this a reality, because burp cloths travel!!! I have about 3-4 favorite spots that I like to breastfeed and theres always something missing when I sit down to feed. It's a learning curve getting the hang of making sure I have everything before I breastfeed.

3) Speaking of breastfeeding, I have learned that you need at LEAST four hands to breastfeed correctly, especially in the beginning as you learn! One hand needs to be holding her. One hand needs to be available for grabbing things. One hand needs to be batting away her hands away from her mouth. And one hand needs to be making the "cheeseburger" effect with the boob so she can latch on correctly! It's quite the feat! Oh and maybe another hand in there to wipe excess milk off her face.

4) Sadly, so so so so sadly, we have learned that most baby products are positively useless. They market all of this crazy technology and we fell for a lot of it, buying the high tech swing that plays music, the bouncer that can play music and vibrate, the pack and play that can play music and other things I haven't even investigated, the bassinet that can do music and move the mobile, and it's honestly all just not needed. We literally haven't even put batteries in any of it yet. We still may, you never know, but babies really just need a place to sleep, a place to nap, a changing table, diapers, changing supplies, and food! Okay maybe a little more than that, but it's really all just basics. Plus a lot of the stuff they market to parents ends up not even being SAFE for children which is really terrifying (any product meant for the car or car seat, sleep products, etc). I must say though that the one piece of "high tech baby" equipment we all love so far is her swing. We haven't used it to its full extent yet, but it does plug in and it swings her for as long as we want, and she seems to love it. It's been a god send for some day time naps!

5) Buttons. Buttons on baby clothes should be outlawed. AGAINST THE LAW. WHAT is even the POINT. Like WHO DOES THAT. And they disguise these dreaded devil buttons on the CUTEST clothes and laugh at the profit they're making while parents are crying at 3 am doing 18 buttons for the 10th time in a row!! It's truly unreal. They make the BEST sleeper sacks that have ZIPPERS. I want to buy whoever had that brilliant idea a nice drink, as I'm sure most parents would. You still can't avoid all buttons usually, as onesies have buttons as do many day time clothes, but not having to button and rebutton overnight is truly the best. Team zipper alllllllll the way.

6) Socks. Oh, Socks. I had such high hopes. They are so cute, but we learned pretty quickly that there is no point in trying to make sure they stay together as matches. It seems like they haven't invented a sock that stays on a baby yet, so we find socks down all over the place. We call a "sock down" alert! And also, they make all these insane sock/slippers that are truly adorable but utterly pointless. You really just need solid color (small) snug socks that you won't be upset if you lose one. Or many. As I write this, she's sitting next to me, literally just sitting in a bouncer and has somehow lost a sock.

7) Don't spend too much energy picking the cutest outfit out for your little one because within a minute after putting them in, (buttons and all!), there could be a code spit up, code brown, code milk spill, or code yellow.... And other times we last a whole day with no codes! Its just a gamble and theres no use in getting attached to the cutest outfits! Take pictures of them in the outfit while you can if you love it that much!

8) Keep the old diaper under her til the very last minute and have your next one ready to go!!! We have already had quite a few oopsies with poop and pee on the changing mat! Still learning!

9) Pants. For some reason no one thinks to get pants for parents as gifts! Probably because they aren't cute, but man are they needed. A lot of times they come as outfits, but we have all these onesies and literally one pair  of pants to put over them. So first trip out to target already to buy baby pants lol. It's these random things no one tells you!

So those are the quick lessons we learned in week one.

As for bigger lessons, well we are still learning those as will we be for the rest of our lives. Like breastfeeding, sleeping schedules, etc.

As for breastfeeding, I truly love it. I never thought I would say those words however prior to birth or even the first three days of breast feeding. Prior to birth I had a lot of anxiety about it if I could do it or not. Then the first three days was literally torture. She wasn't latching on the best she could and my one side especially felt like daggers for 5 straight minutes as she fed. I am not lying when I said I had to do some lamaze breathing during feedings to get through the pain. But, magically, like literally in the blink of an eye, it became bearable about day 4. Of course within the first three days I panicked and bought like 5 breastfeeding products on amazon to help with the pain and by the time they arrived I haven't opened a single one. It transitioned from being torture, to being bearable, to being something I truly love to do! But if you are considering it or are unsure, here are my personal pros and cons of breastfeeding:

Con:
- As a mom you are literally tied to her 24/7.  They strongly advise not pumping and offering a bottle for at least a month so she gets used to nipple first. This means no escape trips out. This means daddy can't bond with her and feed her (yet). This means that I have to assist in every single time she is awake during the night and can't sleep through any. I literally can't leave her presence this first month in fear that she would need food and I can't be there for her. So that can be exhausting, indeed.
- Like I said, at first, it HURTS. But I took the pain as one for the team and knew that each pain was hopefully one step closer to success.
- There are rules that are hard to predict, the one that plagues me is coffee! I really don't drink a lot. During the pregnancy I had 12 oz a day, which is what the doctor allowed. Now that I am breastfeeding I have heard lots of different recommendations, but most say to wait at least an hour after consuming the caffeine to breastfeed. Its been really, really hard predicting when I will see a 60-90 minute break in feeding. Sometimes she goes 3.5 hours without eating and sometimes its 30-45 minutes. And two days in a row now I got it wrong and I had to watch her cry as we waited the last 15-30 minutes til I felt okay feeding her again. I know I think I am overthinking it, but still I just want to do right by her.
- The farts. Oh man....The farts. They come out of her like liquid gold. Truly. Its quiet and then all of the sudden we hear the loudest "shart" you have ever heard. We take turns on who has to get those diapers....lol.

And those are the only cons I have!

Pros:
- Although I said being the only one that can feed her is a con, its ALSO a Pro. With all of our visitors and everyone that loves her and wants to spend time with her, I would be lying if I said that my heart didn't do a little happy dance when she gets hungry and I can go to a separate room and just have mommy/daughter time as I feed her. For now, until we introduce the bottle, it's something only her and I share. Although it's exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for the entire world.
- I know exactly what my daughter is ingesting and don't have to worry which formula is best.
-Cheaper, obviously.
- A never ending supply on hand! No late night trips to target to get more!
- Don't have to figure out/deal with warming bottles at 3 am, just pop out the boob and ready to go!
- They say the longer you breastfeed, the higher IQ the child has and the less chance I have of getting breast cancer and ovarian cancer.
- Higher immunity for baby for life! Can't beat that!
- Mommy weight loss!! Yay! In 9 days I am 17 pounds down, nearly half of my baby weight gain. I haven't exercised one bit, not even my usual walks (at first was too sore then the northeast got a killer heat wave), and have eaten pretty much whatever I want. This rocks!


Honestly I love it. And I have been blessed by the boob gods that I happen to have an over-supply of milk! I haven't even opened my breast pump yet, and yet I have approximately 60 oz of milk sitting in my freezer already. At first in the first few days when I fed her I noticed the other boob leaking a lot. Soon it became unbearable as I would have to change my shirt each time and couldn't go out in public or see visitors because it was just nonstop leaking. Then I found a product (thanks to my friend Corey!) Called Milkies Milk savers. It is truly the best. There is no hand expressing or pumping involved, its a little plastic thing you wear in your bra and its only job is to collect leaked milk. And I have 60 oz just from that. Every feeding I do (approx 8-10 a day), I get 2-2.5 oz from the other breast. I am looking into donating at this time but am looking at all options as we tread soon into waters where we will see what supply she will need when I will have to go to work. At this point though we need to go get another freezer lol...

I also think watching her breastfeed is the cutest/funniest thing on the planet. Here are the stages of breastfeeding I notice:

- Tears in the degree of she thinks she may starve to death if she doesn't eat right now (Mommy gets the same way lol)
- She latches on as if she's attacking a gigantic cheeseburger and she is ravenous. You can literally see it in her eyes she is so happy she has food now. She grips on to the boob as if someone may take it.
- two minutes later she forgets what she came there for, mommy has to remind her.
- She remembers and is vigorously back at the boob.
- Falls asleep at the boob. I keep reminding her that classy ladies don't fall asleep at the bar but she doesn't listen lol.
- back and forth between remembering she's at the boob and sleep until finally she finishes off the tap and goes into milk drunk coma. Success.



Sleeping! Ahhhhhhh sleep. So my husband and I are lucky enough that he was able to get off for two weeks to be with me as we transition as new parents. We truly have no idea what we are doing but we came up with the idea of "shift parenting" (its probably in a book out there somewhere but whatev). So we do this shift parenting at night time, usually between the hours of 9pm- 9 am. One person goes to bed around 9 pm and the other parent stays up with her til approx 12-1 am. If I am sleeping first, then hubby brings me baby to eat and I go back to sleep til my "shift" starts. If hubby sleeps first then I just hang with her and feed on demand of course. Then the first duty parent comes to bed and Abby does too. The next parent is "on" and will handle any fussiness, diaper changes and coordinate the feedings until approximately 4-5 am. So if that person is me, hubby gets a nice block of sleep, and if that person is hubby, he handles all the others and brings her to me to eat in bed and supervises me so I don't fall asleep and then tucks her back in. This system has worked out really nicely for us as it allows at least one of us if not both to get at least a solid 3-4 hour chunk of sleep at a time. Things will change when hubby goes back to work soon, and we haven't quite solidified a plan for that yet but are working out some ideas. But I highly recommend this pattern to new parents! Especially if breastfeeding. Otherwise, sometimes we sleep when baby sleeps. But usually one parent is awake at all times during the day if the other needs a nap.

How are mommy and daddy doing otherwise? Pretty good. Considering. The hardest part that I can speak to as a mom, is the raging hormones flip flopping all over the place and the baby blues that come and go as a result. I love her more than words could ever say, but the mix of being sleep deprived and the monotonous routine of diaper change, feed, sleep, repeat, gets boring and exhausting. Being tied up in the house but also afraid to take trips out in fear of what could happen outside the house too. Yesterday, Day 8 I had my first random (totally totally random) bout of tears for literally no reason. Everything was fine but I was overtired and couldn't find a lunch option I liked lol. But I know it gets better. I still soak in all of these moments and cuddles and every moment I have with her because she is already growing so fast and I love every single second.


All in all, like I said these are just my experiences. Everything I say could be completely different for another family or another mom. Hopefully some of my tips however can help another family though!

With that I will leave you, thank you to those that took the time to read a super long post! Unless a unique topic pops into my head, I plan to write next on how Month #1 has gone! Looking forward to lots of lessons coming soon!

Love, the new Motherboard.