Lessons Learned: Some Old, Some New

 Well, We have all survived as a family of 4 for 10 days! Boy has it been a journey! Not just week one of newborn life, but just for fun throw in a toddler, Christmas Day and New Years in the mix also, OH and a pandemic. And just for extra sprinkles on top, a crazy dog and 2 cats. 

Alas, we are all alive. Somehow our memories make us forget what the newborn days are like so that we procreate again, because we are both wondering "Was it this hard with our first??" And the answer is no and yes. It is different. Being the second child makes it easier because we know what to expect (mostly), but much harder juggling a toddler and a newborn this time around. But things do come back to you like riding a bike, like breastfeeding, diaper changes, newborn baths, etc. 

My toddler (2 years and 4 months) hasn't really warmed up to him yet. She does seem to care for him, and frequently wants to know his whereabouts, wants him to be in the same room, brings him toys, and now is into shouting "It's Okay! It's Okay!" when he is crying (it's the cutest). But she does not want to hold him, or touch him, or any type of contact yet. We are letting her do it when she is ready on her own terms. We are definitely seeing some behavior changes as well with her as she adjusts to this new transition and realizing she's no longer the center of attention. I am trying to do all the things, give her 1:1 time, tell her I love her, keep her routine as stable as possible, give her clear explanations for what I am doing with baby boy but not blaming him for why I cannot play with her. Hopefully she adjusts soon! We also struggle to adequately keep her entertained and busy, but due to the fact that we are all in what I call "basic survival mode" meaning making sure everyone is alive, fed and somewhat rested- entertainment is hard to muster up. So, big amounts of gratitude go to Disney +, as I can now proudly say I have memorized the scripts to not just Olaf's Frozen Adventure, Frozen, Frozen 2, but also now working on Once Upon a Snowman. Frozen is now officially her favorite thing ever. Normally I might feel guilty about letting her watch all of these in one day....um, every day, but again, survival mode. Honestly, if my toddler will sit there nicely playing toys and watching movies that I  in fact also like, then its a win right now. We will work on the screen time later. We are parenting a newborn and a toddler in a pandemic! Basic-survival-mode. 

But week one, it's been rough. However we are so blessed that we have a support system, although it is more challenging this go around with COVID mixed in. We can't really accept much external help due to the fear of introducing COVID in this vulnerable household right now, so yet another change in how we have been able to welcome him into the world.

The nights have been rough- He is awake about every 2 hours (sometimes 2.5) at night, and changing him and feeding him takes about 30-40 minutes, giving me about 90 minutes maximum to sleep in between. And thats if I fall asleep right away. That is sometimes the hardest part of new motherhood. It's easy enough to say, "okay I have 90 minutes, let's sleep the whole time!" but really, mom ears are always open and every little baby grunt or whimper whips me wide awake again, and I spend a large amount of time stressing myself out with thoughts like, "Okay, now is your chance- ya better sleep now...like right now...go to sleep...count the sheep...now's your chance...Soon he will be awake again...sleep now or forever stay awake...soon your time is up..." and it goes on and on. During the day I get about 3-3.5 hour naps out of him, but of course we are chasing our toddler around all day. So "Sleep when the baby sleeps" carries a new meaning when you introduce your second. And it's pretty much nonexistent. Basically we have still been able to take naps with the use of "who's turn is it to nap" and one parent will man both kids while the other can peacefully get a solid 2 hours. 

At night I also find myself not sleeping in my desired positions either. After you put the baby in the bassinet, of course you must awkwardly stand there making sure all your efforts have worked and it appears in fact that he will go to sleep. Once you've accepted the fact that just maybe, he does indeed appear to be falling asleep, you realize OMG my 90 minutes has now started, its now like 87 minutes! So you carefully crawl into bed (our bassinet is right next to my side) so as not to make any noise. But THEN, You can't get into a perfectly comfortable position because THEN you are pretty much asking the baby gods to wake your baby up, thus you must let go of your comfy position and attend to baby. So INSTEAD, you awkwardly lay there in pretty much whatever position you got in the bed, and compromise with the baby gods- "I will agree to lay here uncomfortably if you just give me 2 hours of sleep" and there we go. Except sometimes the baby Gods still go back on their word, and on nights like last night, baby is up at 2 am and doesn't truly find more sleep until 6:30 when we all give up and come downstairs. These days, I find extra comfort in latching on to dreams I have had, because they are proof that I did in fact sleep. I'd also be lying if I said I haven't googled how much night nurses cost! Just kidding, I won't go there...yet. 

Having a boy has its other challenges of course that having a girl did not bring prior! Of course I am talking about the lovely diaper changes. Prior to newborn life, I heard all the warnings, but thought, how hard can it be? Just keep the diaper over the area and you won't get peed on. HAH! HA! We have been shot with valiant streams of pee (it really is amazing how high it can go) multiple times. On our first night home, I assure you we went through approximately 5 outfits (JUST overnight). Luckily we have improved slightly since then and *only* range 1-2 outfits per night now. If we are lucky enough to catch it from shooting in the air, we still sometimes face it creating puddles underneath as well. BUT I have learned some tips, in which I will share with you- in possible hopes it may help another boy mom out there!

From this point forward, lets just refer to "it" as well...It.

Step 1: Roll up the onesie as far up as you can go as to prevent babies outfit from getting soaked. 

Step 2: Place a new diaper directly under the still fastened, dirty diaper, so as also to protect the changing pad from puddles.

Step 3: Open up the old diaper. NOW WAIT. NO SUDDEN MOVES. "It" has now seen the cold and you are now in the danger zone. DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF IT. THE MINUTE YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF IT, IT WILL SHOOT HIGHER THAN THE YELLOWSTONE FOUNTAIN GEYSER. 

Step 4: If you aren't lucky enough to promote the pee fountain during these first 30 seconds with the old diaper still there ready to re-shut to capture the pee, then try waving at it to further induce coldness. No I don't mean waving hello, you know what I mean- just wave to blow air on it. Repeat Step 3. 

Step 5: If you have not been able to induce the stream of pee, you're now on your own. Ya gotta do the rest As-Fast-As-POSSIBLE. Have your wipes ready, have the butt cream ready and ready set GO! Get that old diaper out and new diaper fastened as soon as possible! Beat your own record every time! We still sometimes have gotten hit during this danger zone, but the likelihood has been a little less. 

We did buy these little "pee pee teepees" that basically provide somewhat of a pee shelter in hopes of catching most of the pee if he does go. But these have not quite stopped the other problem of the puddles underneath, plus they don't stay on great, especially with small squirmy babies like mine. 

Speaking of buying things, holy canoli. First off, let me express my gratitude for Amazon, especially during this pandemic. I realize I suddenly need something, and I'm on Prime ordering it right away. Sometimes I don't even know if the product exists and Amazon shows me the light! (Like the pee pee tee pee!- I just typed "pee shelter" into the search bar, and who knew- it exists!) And also I'd like to express even MORE gratitude for Amazon's return policy. Four products in the last 10 days, FOUR, I have bought hastily because I was convinced I needed it for my postpartum recovery or for baby, and by the time it arrived (granted there were holiday shipping delays), I realized I did not in fact need it. RETURN. 

As for my recovery, I must say it has seemingly gone much better than I felt it did with my first. Maybe its because I knew what to expect, maybe not. I had the same degree tear but this time overall felt like I healed faster. My biggest piece of advice to any pregnant mom is to start a miralax regime about a month prior to expected delivery and continue post partum. It will REALLY help that first poo after birth which is NO-JOKE. In fact Miralax might be my new go-to present I gift to new moms at their baby showers. I might get weird looks but they will thank me after their first poo. 

My milk came in around day 3, 4 ish and hot diggity. I cannot actually believe women pay a lot of money to feel like this ALL THE TIME. I truly feel like I am a breast size X right now and it is ridiculous. I know my body is still figuring it out but MAN. Whenever the baby nurses, he's basically telling my body each time and each day how much my body should continue to make, and frankly the  milk chef is having a hard time keeping up. I visualize a milk waiter taking his order, like- ok so you want 2 oz now, 7 oz later, 5 oz after that, Left boob right boob, 6 oz tonight- and then the waiter gives up and delivers 2 gallon milk jugs and just basically installed a gallon on each boob and told the baby to figure it out. It is insane. 

I'd say the last biggest difference between the first and second kid (besides the gender, duh) has been the comfort level. Although caring for newborns is still really scary and still generates anxiety, the comfort level is still noticeably higher. With my first we literally logged every time I nursed, which boob, how long...every pee, every poo, etc. We used the Glow Baby app and it was great, I highly recommend for new parents. I even printed the spreadsheet it gives you and brought it to my pediatrician and he laughed at its insaneness. This time around, we made it to day four with logging everything. Basically, is he peeing? Yes. Is he pooping? Yes. Is he eating? Yes. Thats all we need to know. Everything works. As for remembering which boob I handed out last and exactly what time it was? No idea. But we're figuring it out. 

The last thing I leave you with is the emotional state. Being a new parent is so hard, so emotionally and physically exhausting that sometimes each day its hard figuring out how to keep going. How to face yet another night of no sleep. The best advice I can help give is to do teamwork parenting. Take turns on who is doing what. Give each other turns napping like I mentioned above. Give each other GRACE and don't get on each others case about what they are or are not doing right now. Show each other love and support as you are each struggling in different ways. Balance the duties. If the mom is exclusive breastfeeding, then dads can help with more diapers, or the dishes, or laundry, etc. Set goals for the day. That sounds overly ambitious, but I actually mean it to be the opposite. Set one goal or intention for the day, and everything else is icing on the cake. For example, "today we will just do one load of laundry", or "today I will fold yesterdays load of laundry", "today I will wash the dishes", and literally GO YOU. You set a goal, even if its a small one, and rest the rest of the day. In fact, writing this blog today was my only goal. The rest of the day has been baby snuggles! And lots of pee and poop. But give yourself grace. Give yourself rest. 

So many people have asked me in the first couple days, "do you need anything", or "how can I help", but I don't know what to tell people. What we need is someone to help pick up all the toddlers toys off the ground for the millionth time, someone to help make dinners, someone to do laundry, the dishes, etc. Unfortunately with COVID its a lot harder to even accept that kind of help right now.  So we cope. See above: basic-survival-mode. When hubby goes back to work....I'm still trying to figure out how I will survive, but again I plan to use my goal/intention technique above- one goal, one task, and the rest will be icing on the cake. 

Thank you all for reading my extensive word vomit. Newborn life is no joke. Its ONE of the hardest parts of parenting but also one of the best, too. The newborn snuggles are THE BEST, truly, the BEST. My toddler doesn't really snuggle anymore because she's always on the go, so when my little man will fall asleep in my arms, it is the best feeling ever. I cherish these days and am doing my best to record them in words and in pictures because I truly know how fast they go! 

Thank you for reading, 

Love, The New Motherboard. 

Holy Bananas! Third Trimester!

 Holy Bananas- I feel as if I have already let this second baby down by not blogging about him more! My last post was about the first trimester fun! This Tuesday I enter into the third at 28 weeks (although some sources say I already am at 27 weeks). 

I'd say for the first 20 weeks or so, until we found out the gender, it was an exact same pregnancy as my first. Same nausea, same headaches, same symptoms. But since finding out the gender (coincidence or not, dunno!) I am noticing more differences. More to come on that, BUT! For any blog readers that don't already know, we are having a baby boy! Turns out this makes us a "Millionaires family" which I had to look up when people told me- It means we have one of each, a boy and a girl--who knew? My husband is stoked to have a boy as am I! I hope he is 100% game for lots and lots of boy mommy snuggles, because I am! By the way, I wish the actual income came with term "Millionaires family" because, that would be awesome. Just saying. 

Anyway, as for differences in the pregnancies, the main differences are: 

1) His movements. I am convinced he might be a....tap dancer? Or a fish. Either one. He has distinct movements different than what I remember for my daughter. Although he definitely throws a good punch/kick at times, he also does this thing, where if I had to describe it, it would be a fishes fin saying Hi- like wiggling in the wind. I usually get that feeling in one spot at a time. I call him a tap dancer because there are other times it feels as if he is moving his whole body and dancing- all limbs moving at once-crazy fun! 

2) Cravings. With my daughter, I was addicted to Tropicana 50 Orange Juice, and organic gorilla munch cocoa puffs. This pregnancy, don't even mention OJ to me- I don't want it. This time around--bring me all the bagels. This craving has resulted in a few extra pounds lol. 

3) This next one is full of lots of girl gross stuff so if you aren't interested, skip to next paragraph: So as I approached ~26 weeks or so, I started having pain "down there" in the lower pelvic region. It literally felt like my bones were being squeezed- usually when I walked, or moved, really. But by 27 weeks the pain was nearly unbearable, and I was (barely) walking around my house like a 97 year old. I desperately spoke out to my OB in cries for help who referred me to Physical Therapy- who knew we have physical therapists trained in woman's health specifically? Turns out I have "symphysis pubis dysfunction" which is a fancy way of saying my pelvic bones are too relaxed (you would think this would mean less pain but no) and since it is my second baby and my body knows what to do, the pelvic bones are shifting around and preparing for birth. Cool. Luckily I got a special brace that is SUPER attractive that I get to wear around my butt- no really, super attractive because I even get to wear it OVER my pants-gathering tons of cool looks but I don't even care because it has made a 180 degree difference! As long as I have my super attractive belt on, my pain is minimal- like a 1/10, compared to a 8/10. Who knew?

I'd also like to give you this mental image of me with my super attractive belt. I also drew this with my finger on my computer, so don't judge my art skills. 

Dunno why I gave myself pigtails, but it felt right at the time. She also is shrugging, because she has no idea what's going on. Her smile is half smile (yay pain relief! but also half confused. But overall she's one heck of a badass, super attractive mama.

As we settle in for the soon to be holidays and get ready for baby number 2....wait, did I say get ready? Lol we are no where's near ready. Physically or mentally! My husband and I take turns on whose turn it is to completely freak out that we are bringing a second child in and all of the unknowns that come with it. But we are also super excited. But believe me when I say, besides a few clothes that we happen to have found while out and about, and all of the baby stuff we already have from baby #1, we have nothing else ready. I swear we were ready by now on my first pregnancy, but life was oh so good back then and I didn't even know. I was basically "just" working full time for my first. This time I am working full time, taking 2 classes per semester for my Masters (1 at a time thank God), and running after a toddler. During the school year, this gives me approximately 1-2 hours a WEEK of "free time" that isn't already dedicated to my daughter, housework, or homework. And you think I want to sort through baby stuff on that last 1-2 hours per week? No! It's NAP time during that time! God bless my husband for letting Mama take a good nap on a weekend!  But no really. Zero things are ready in the nursery. So cool. Another factor we are working on is Mission Move Daughter to New Room- A very involved mission. Our nursery, aka my daughters room now is right next to the Master Bedroom. The next closest room thats equivalent in size (maybe a little bigger) is further down the hallway. After much back and forth, we decided that although a significant struggle to achieve it, it is best for both kids if we move my daughter down the hallway and put the newborn in the nursery. So our project now is prepping my daughters NEW room so that we can move her first- then prep the nursery... Andddd we have ~ 12 weeks to go. 

I am also emotionally terrified on what it will be like bringing in number 2. I already am way prone to suffering from excess anxiety, and when children come into the mix, my anxiety just spirals out of control. I am not worried about caring for a baby again, I feel familiar enough with those steps of what worked and what didn't from my first child. What makes me nervous is all of the factors of caring for a baby and a toddler. The last thing I want to happen is for my daughter to think she has been cast aside for the newborn or that she is any less important. I want her to have as much mommy and daddy time as she has now, but I know it will be hard finding that balance. I worry about things like- how do I watch a toddler and a newborn? What if I am on the couch breastfeeding by myself and I hear my daughter say "uh oh" (she does this a lot) in another room? What if I finally get the baby to sleep but then my toddler wakes up? Or I get the toddler to sleep and the baby wakes up? What if I never sleep again??? I know. I get out of control. All I can tell myself to get me through is- one day at a time. I have no idea what the days will look like, but all I can do is one day at a time. I know there will be crazy days and days I question all my life choices, but there will also be so much love and snuggles and perfect moments too. My daughter is getting big enough now (she just turned 2 in August)- that I can give her simple tasks that will be a big help to Mama when baby is here, like "can you get the burp cloth", "can you give baby the binky", etc. As for my daughter, people ask me all the time if I think she has any idea what's coming. We have tried to prep her but I am not convinced she REALLY knows. If prompted, she will point to my stomach when asked where the baby is. She will say "baby boy" and will say the babies name, she will give it kisses through my stomach, says hi...but I think she just thinks a baby lives in my stomach all the sudden and that's probably it! We have seen little babies in public, or on TV, or in books, and have tried to explain that is what baby boy will be like, soon! And she kinda just looks at us. Soooo we will see! 

Well I couldn't not write about what its like to be pregnant and parent a child during a historic year- 2020- during a global pandemic. The world is such a weird place right now, especially being pregnant during this time. We found out we were pregnant on May 8. Literally since then (actually since March), I have seen no more than 5 of my coworkers. That is so weird! I am full time working remote, so although I get to talk to them all the time, I have lost that aspect of people seeing my bump, having hallway mama talk, etc. But then again I also don't miss random strangers on the elevator asking if I know what it is, what is it's name, etc. 

Going to the OB is also a different experience. Like many outpatient offices around my area, when I get to the office I have to "check in" from my car. The front desk staff then lets the clinical staff know I am here. Then I wait. The clinical staff then call me back and complete all the screenings, ask me all the questions, the fun stuff. They direct me to come up (in a mask of course) and we finish the rest of the visit as normal. I am blessed enough that in my part of the country/world (East Pennsylvania) my husband is allowed to join me for the ultrasounds. I cannot imagine and deeply feel for the mothers that have had to do that alone. 

Even when the world isn't in a pandemic, it is stressful being pregnant. Everything you do or every place you go, you wonder- Is this safe for me, for my baby? Now add in the huge unknown factor of a virus outbreak that you can't see but know it could seriously affect you and the unborn baby. Trying to find a balance of still trying to live our lives and let my toddler experience life but also keeping us all, especially baby and I protected, is super stressful! Every sneeze you hear, every cough, you cringe- wondering if you just exposed yourself to the virus, and having no idea if you do get the virus, what long term outcomes/consequences it will have on you and baby. There is no visible end in sight for this virus, as we approach month bajillion, and I know it will be a way different experience having a baby and first few months post partum during COVID. No more big family parties to see the newborn. No more taking newborn out in public (to the mall, restaurants, shopping) to 'get out of the house' (He is also born in January so the cold changes things too even in a non-pandemic world). It will certainly be different, but all we can do is hope. Hope for a vaccine. Hope for a change. Hope for better virus management. Hope for better days ahead. Luckily the kids are/will be young enough they won't remember this, but will be interesting to explain to them what life was like during this time, when they were oh so little. All we can do is love them and keep home life as normal as possible and keep things positive within our 4 walls and we will survive. This too shall pass. 

Well, I could keep writing about anything and everything, but I will stop here. Little daughter is currently shouting "mommy change pooey!" from her crib- post nap- her favorite time to poo. SO I better get on that! I thank you kindly for being interested enough to read this post, it means a lot to me. I am excited to be able to document these things that my children can also look back on in the future. 

With love, 

The New Motherboard. 

RISE: Made For More

This past weekend I have had the privilege of being able to attend one of the most unique experiences of my life; one I hope I get to remember forever. It is called the RISE women’s conference and was packed with approximately 4,000 women. It is led by Rachel Hollis, a motivational speaker and so much more. Guest speakers came in for talks such as Dave Hollis, Trent Shelton, Ruthie Lindsey, and Stacey Flowers to name a few. The whole concept of the 3 day conference was owning your past, present and future. Digging into your past and pulling out traumas, hidden things we have pushed away but that are affecting how we embrace the present, identifying patterns of the past and how they affect us today. Owning our present, teaching us about habits, how we get habits, how bad habits start with a trigger and how to identify our own triggers, how to be grateful, how to create new and improved habits, and how to overall focus on our own health and wellness and loving our body AS IS.

AS IS, LADIES, AS IS!

Owning our future was about turning our crazy passions and dreams into an actual, doable reality and how to get there. How to show up every day even when it’s hard, even when we forget our why. She gave us tools on how to remember our WHY and how to create the “How”.

What struck me the most and what I will always remember about this conference is the sense of community it brought. I am an introvert by nature, but thanks to years of theater, teaching others in front of a classroom, and having a job that necessitates extroversion in order to be successful, I am a pretty good extrovert when I need to be. Even though it’s scary and seems like 7^th grade again, I can go up to a table of women I don’t know that are talking to each other and ask if I can be their lunch buddy. However, this conference had such community that the whole concept was that everyone was approachable. There were no mean girls. Everyone- although so different- such different backgrounds, different traumas, different beliefs, different cultures, different futures- everyone was the same in that we all were here for the same reasons. If you weren’t approachable then what were you even doing here to better yourself? I met a handful of beautiful women that I had amazing conversations with, and I admire their story. Even after the conference, with the help of social media- us 4,000 women that were connected at this conference can stay connected online and use each other as constant reminders to use what we learned.

One of the most heartbreaking moments of the conference was a sector called “Stand up for your sister” which had the whole arena in total tears before lunch on the very first day. We each filled out a piece of paper, checking off boxes-anonymously- of experiences we have been through- traumatic ones. Experiences such as, “I have struggled with anxiety”, “I have abused alcohol”, “I have been raped”, “I have lost a child, “I have lost a parent”, etc. We had ample time to fill it out and wipe our tears in silence before we all folded our papers and handed them to our neighbor.  Then handed that paper to another neighbor. And another. And another. Until our paper was sure to be 20 seats in any direction, and we had a total stranger’s paper in our hands, full of tear marks. The concept of “Standing for your sister” was that when those traumas and experiences were called, if our paper we now held from a stranger had it checked then we stood for her, our “sister”. The idea was so that we could see the earth-shattering amount of volume of women that stood for things that I at least thought was supposed to be a small percentage of women. When you think you are the only one dealing with past traumas and current breakdowns, rape, divorce, abuse, anxiety and depression, but then see literally the entire room of 4,000 women stand up at once when “I struggle or have struggled with anxiety” was called. The amount of women that stood up when they read “I have been raped” was absolutely gut wrenching. I was personally shaking and this still brings tears to my eyes on the amount of women who stood for “I have lost a child” as I felt deeply for them as a mother. Ladies we think we are ALONE in dealing with these experiences because no one talks about them! We stick with high level small talk but don’t know that we all have the same level of understanding to help one another out on a deeper level. No one is alone! There was not a dry eye in the audience by the end, including Rachel Hollis herself.

               We learned about perspective- about how multiple people can see the same situation unfold and all walk away with a completely different understanding depending on their viewpoint. We were challenged to think, are we standing at the right perspective for the issues that haunt our own self? Are we giving something in our past too much weight that doesn’t even matter? Do we need to adjust our camera lens in which we view the world? Not one of us on this planet lives in the same world. We live on the same planet, but not the same world. We each walk through with a different understanding of how things work and why we are here. The biggest take away I got from this portion was that life is not happening TO us; its happening FOR us- And that is the camera angle I want to always see the world and remember when I am facing tough times or moments.

               We were challenged in finding a word that we can carry with us the rest of 2020. A word that we can pull up in times of great need to help us get through. A word to remind our self WHO WE ARE and who we WANT TO BE and who we need to always reach to be. The word is supposed to scare us, not be a complacent, easily attainable word. I struggled with this at first, tossing around a few. I liked ‘ambitious’, ‘autonomous’, ‘adaptable’, ‘audacious’, (for some reason I had a thing with “A” words I guess). But as much as I liked them, none of them felt right enough to be *my* word, a word I love enough that I could get tattooed on me if I wanted. But then today, I saw a word and I knew it was mine.

EXTRAORDINARY

adjective

adjective:extra-ordinary

1.      very unusual or remarkable.

Synonyms: remarkable, exceptional, amazing, astonishing, astounding, marvelous, wonderful, sensational, stunning, incredible, unbelievable, miraculous, phenomenal, prodigious, spectacular, striking, outstanding, momentous, impressive, singular, signal, preeminent, memorable, unforgettable, never to be forgotten, unique, arresting, eye-catching, conspicuous, noteworthy, notable, great, out of the ordinary, unusual, uncommon, rare, surprising, curious, strange, odd, peculiar, uncanny, unco, fantastic, terrific, tremendous, stupendous, awesome, amazeballs, out of this world, unreal, wondrousremarkable, exceptional, amazing, astonishing, astounding, marvelous, wonderful, sensational, stunning, incredible, unbelievable, miraculous, phenomenal, prodigious, spectacular, striking, outstanding, momentous, impressive, singular, signal, preeminent, memorable, unforgettable, never to be forgotten, unique, arresting, eye-catching, conspicuous, noteworthy, notable, great, out of the ordinary, unusual, uncommon, rare, surprising, curious, strange, odd, peculiar, uncanny, unco, fantastic, terrific, tremendous, stupendous, awesome, amazeballs, out of this world, unreal, wondrous

I want to strive to be extraordinary for Abigail. An extraordinary mom. An extraordinary wife. An extraordinary sister. An extraordinary student. An extraordinary employee. This is my word!

            We were also challenged to face our past by thinking about writing our story. By deluging our memories, traumas, life on paper we can look at it from a new perspective and find patterns in our own life. By identifying past patterns and digging up hidden memories or parts about ourselves we forgot, we can enter the new time of our lives armed with new forces and plans to combat those patterns. Also, just being able to share your story in complete vulnerability is healing. I do want to try this and hope to start that project in 2020. As Ruthie Lindsey quoted, “If we don’t own our story, it owns us”.

            Rachel Hollis taught us about our fears of failure, about how they are all rooted into three main categories: Loss of security, loss of love, or loss of pride. Most fears all end up trickling down to a true root of loss of pride, but those are the fears we need to move past. We are not afraid of failing, we are afraid of people watching us fail. But what we really need to walk away with is failure is not something to be afraid of at all, and in fact we should chase failure and embrace it. Failure is a part of the journey, not the end. If you set out to write a book, or create a sculpture, or build a house, and everything was okay, you got to the end with no setbacks… Do you think that’s your best book? Best house? Best sculpture? Or how about the book you rewrote 100 times, or the house that fell over mid build and you made a new plan and made it even better the second or even third time? Failure’s are not the end. They are just curveballs we can use as momentum to keep going. They happen for us, not to us- and we are meant to walk with information to improve what we are trying to do. Failure is only failure if we give up. Rachel also engrained in us that if we compare ourselves to others, we will always feel like failures. If you want to start flipping houses and think “I will never be as good as Joanna Gaines”, but what you don’t realize when you have those thoughts is Joanna Gaines wasn’t amazing when she started out either. She probably had an idol she looked up to for inspiration but she carved her own path and kept on going and did it anyway. Do you think J.K. Rowling’s first copy of Harry Potter was any good? Probably not! Did Michael Phelps start out an award winning swimmer? No! No one starts out as perfect, they get there little by little. We SEE them as perfect because that’s when they are entering the public eye. Don’t believe it! Fears that are destroyed come back as confidence.

            The second day (yeah, that  ^ was all day one !) was all about owning our present. Owning who we are today and what we are doing about it. About how “Goal weights” are garbage and we need to throw those away. She encourages daily habits instead which will foster a healthy state which is all we should care about- taking care of our body that has taken care of us- not punishing it into a size 2 jean. If we don’t take care of what’s going on in our mind first, then even getting into a size 2 jean still won’t be enough. It will never be enough until we fix our mind. I have a lot of work to do with this mindset and it will be a daily struggle but the best thing I can do in the struggle is to adapt these positive habits, bless my body with good food, and every time I have a negative thought about myself I need to replace it with a positive one. With the help of Amy Porterfield on stage, we all came to the realization that people that feel like they are not enough on the outside (or too much on the outside- boobs are too big, our stomach is too big, arms too big, whatever) we compensate for these negative things by wearing more expensive clothes, or clothes meant to hide those flaws, or we compensate with our personality but those personality traits are FAKE. That’s not who we are and if we show up how we truly are, body flaws and real personality, that is the best thing we can do for us and our peers, for our children. Rachel’s powerful slogan is “Move your body- Change your mind”. Its not “CHANGE your body, just MOVE your body.” Know the difference. To truly love myself as is today, no matter what. To love my body for not just how it looks but what it can DO. To thank my body every day for what it can do. To love it every day for continuing to beat my heart every day and send blood to my brain. To be able to walk. To be able to hold my baby, to climb stairs, to play with my baby. It is an amazing body and I am making the next right steps to truly love it for what it is. We finished that segment with a hard exercise. We had to write down all the crazy things we hate about our bodies and then had to turn to our neighbor, a stranger we did not know, and tell her all the things we just wrote down. And I kid you not, we all wrote down the same things and yet thought each other were all beautiful!! I told my neighbor that I hated how big my arms were and how I couldn’t wave without them flabbing in the wind and she said she hated hers so much she got surgery, now she can’t raise them above her head and she regrets it every second. What is that?? It was an exercise I will never forget.

            Guest speaker Trent Shelton came and inspired us to adjust our mindset. To stop talking ourselves out of greatness. Instead of talking myself out of reaching for something because I am not qualified, instead replace that with a FACT of why I am qualified. To stop giving other people permission to place limitations on my own life- regardless of how close those people are to me, they are not me. To stop taking advice from the wrong people. To stop accepting the “cant’s” in your life- “I can’t do that, I can’t do this”. We can literally do anything. With research, determination and practice, we can do anything. People will judge us no matter what, its just human nature. They will judge us and hate us even when WE think we are our best selves or our worst selves. So, if they are gonna judge no matter what, why not just be our best selves then? My biggest takeaway from Trent, was he asked us to think about- when someone is around me, how do I influence them? If people hang out with me or have even a small conversation with me, do they walk away motivated and feeling good? Or do they walk away drained and feeling negative about whatever we were talking about? That really sunk in with me because it is easy to forget that what we go through does affect others. The way we carry ourselves and present ourselves to our family, friends and coworkers does affect others. Its so easy to think “I’m not doing great and not living my best life but its okay I’m just going to internalize it all and everything’s fine and no one will ever know”- but in reality- those people are spewing out sadness, negativity, doubts, and putting down others to bring others to their own level. So this may have been my biggest motivator yet- is that I want people to walk away from interactions with me feeling good about themselves, good about their space, their day, their world, the task they have to do- not dread, fear, insecurity. This is going to take a LOT of work! Its easy to complain to others when others are complaining to you and having a mini vent session! Others are complaining, you want to fit in and so you join in with the pool of complaints, so you feel connected! 100% the easier path. But nothing great in life is easy. I have to do the hard work to get on a higher path, and hopefully I will start noticing that I don’t as often hear negativity around me anyway because I have inspired others.

            On our last day we transitioned to the concept of owning our future and planning out how to turn out crazy dreams into a reality. One way that Rachel Hollis herself has done this is she started writing down her dreams every day as if they’ve already happened (past tense). If you write them down as goals, it scares your brain because they seem too big, too insurmountable, too lofty. But if you write them down as if they already happened, your brain gets used to it and even starts to accept it as reality. Then you can push past the fear and start living the life as if these things are true and make concrete steps to make them a reality. So, I am going to lay it out there and be really vulnerable. She challenged us to write down our dreams for where we want to be in 10 years, no matter how crazy or ridiculous they may seem. So here goes!

1. I am a published author and N.Y. Times Best Seller and have gone on book tours and have seen the difference my book has made for other people.

2.    I am a successful and well known and sought after real estate photographer.

3.   I have written and sold scripts for multiple television shows and movies.

4.   I travel the world and show my daughter new cultures- and we fly first class.

5.  I solve world problems working hand in hand with world wide organizations like NASA, WHO, CDC, Google, Microsoft, etc. using predictive analytics and machine learning.

6. I speak worldwide to audiences to tell them about #5.

7. I am a successful innovator, having created multiple inventions and ideas and worked with big home and health technology companies such as Microsoft, Johnson& Johnson, Google, Apple.

8.  I have a successful podcast with a huge following, number one in its category.

9.  I have my own business and company with employees that has turned one of my business ideas into a reality.

10.  I work with big tech companies on developing new uses for virtual & augmented reality that’s used not for gaming but for training people and for therapy. 

Ahh! There they are, some of my crazy dreams! I don’t know how I will maintain a life where all of those are true at once but that’s beside the point!

            Dave Hollis came to speak and was excellent. He gives a much different perspective than Rachel as he comes from a past of being afraid to change and fearing who is wife was becoming on her own personal growth journey. Fear of losing her. So, he coached us in some new ways about how not to let others get in our way on our future journey. He warned us the people we hold closest and love the most will try first to get in our way; to say our dreams are too big and unattainable, to say we won’t do it and why don’t we just keep doing what we’ve always done because it’s working? They will attempt to keep us at their level with them because they don’t also want to go on this journey at this time but that doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge that and still go on our own journey. He also challenged us to accept the fact that we get in our own way and need to change our relationships with social media. He challenged us to accept reality that when we are browsing facebook, Instagram, snapchat, whatever- if we see something that makes us feel uncomfortable, less than, smaller, negative in any way- UNFOLLOW THEM. Facebook has this thing where you don’t have to unfriend them and make it awkward (unless you want to), but you can just unfollow them and remove them from your newsfeed! On Instagram, no one will notice if you don’t follow them anymore. Remove the beautiful models that make YOU feel LESS THAN THEM because they are posting fake pictures of themselves because THEY are insecure! Remove people that make you feel like less of a mom or less of a wife. Remove things you see that make you upset in any way! Unfollow unfollow unfollow! And stop watching the news if it makes you upset! There are new ways now to stay connected to the news you DO care about without having to sit through stories of rape, abuse, murder, etc. Get that crap out of your morning routine! I subscribe to an app called “Medium” that allows you to pick what topics you enjoy and they send you emails every day with GOOD articles about these topics. Do not let room in for negativity. And don’t worry, if a huge world event is happening- you will still know.

            Dave also challenged us to change our relationship with our calendar. It should be reflective of our values and our visions, not obligations and things we do not enjoy. Not things that aren’t helping us get to that 10 year vision. He said something that really stuck with me- “When someone asks you to do something – if its not a HELL YEAH, then it is a HELL NO.” Period!

            Stacey Flowers came on to coach us on who we surround ourselves with and why we do what we do. She gave us a metaphor based on her years as a waitress. Women go to a steakhouse and want steak. We order a beautiful steak and can’t wait for it to come. We wait the 20 minutes and the waitress comes back and brings all our friend’s plates and gives us…… a chicken. We didn’t order a chicken, we ordered the steak we came for. She said there are four types of women. The first kind immediately says, “I didn’t order the chicken, I ordered the steak!” The waitress apologizes profusely and offers to go replace it but the woman says no, no no, I will just eat it, it’s fine. Everything’s fine.  It will be great, the chicken looks great. So she eats the chicken but the whole time is sad she didn’t get the steak she came for. The second woman says to the waitress, “how dare you bring this chicken, I ordered the steak! You got it wrong! I am standing up for myself and showing you how wrong you are!” The waitress apologizes and offers to replace it but the woman does not want to be further inconvenienced by waiting another 20 minutes and says NO, she will EAT THIS CHICKEN but she will complain to her friends the entire time. The third woman won’t say anything. She doesn’t want to cause a fuss so the waitress doesn’t even know a mistake was made! The woman just eats the chicken in silence and is sad she didn’t get the steak she came for! The fourth woman- she sees the chicken being handed to her and she politely tells the waitress, “I am sorry, but I ordered the steak.” And she waits the 20 minutes again for her steak to come because that is what she came for and that is worth waiting for. Now, which woman are you? The metaphor here is that the steak, the steak is our best self- it’s the person we want to be that we need to put in the hard work for (i.e. the extra 20 minute wait) but too many of us just accept the chicken because its easy. It won’t cause a fuss. It’s not an inconvenience. It’s easier than waiting for what I really want. So, start waiting for the steak!

Overall, I took away from this weekend five main points:

1.     I thought my dreams had an expiration date, but they don’t.

2.     I can figure ANYTHING out if I know my why and if I put the effort in and keep showing up, and keep trying.

3.     All women have the same fears and insecurities about themselves and turns out no one is judging you for how you look, they’re too focused on how they look!

4.     If someone has an opinion about you or something you’re doing and you don’t like it, who the F cares? Move on!

5.     Every experience that we have had and have every day, *Every little thing* has happened to us for a reason. Good, bad, traumatic, whatever- we have been put through these experiences to teach us something. We have survived. We have come out stronger and we are still here. Ever since returning I see the beauty in more things and can more easily pick out the new patterns I learned in other things I see now, i.e. TV shows, other peoples content, songs, movies, etc. Positivity is everywhere as long as you are open to seeing it.

            I really did think my dreams had an expiration date and I’m starting to see now that dude, I am only a THIRD of the way through life and I have so much more time. I have accomplished SO MUCH in the last 10 years and cannot wait to see where the next 10 will bring me. When I was a teenager/young twenties I had a lofty goal thinking I was going to be “the next big writer with a best seller and my selling point was that I was so young and boy look how talented she is and yet so young!” But now in my 30s I have subconsciously felt like a failure because I could no longer have that dream of people shocked at how such a good book could come from a “young” writer. But GIRL people publish their first book at the age of retirement! It is not over! Does it matter if I had written an amazing book at the age of 22 vs the age of 32, if its amazing either way? No! The point is that it’s amazing, and it will be written when its meant to be written. Life is not happening TO me, it’s happening FOR me. The book will come! The dreams will come.

            Ladies & Gents, I wish I could have summarized every single thing I learned and took away but ya’ll, these are just the highlights!! There was SO MUCH content jam packed into 3 days. If you have the means and ever get the chance to go to one of these conferences, I highly recommend to go, just for the experience. That being said, I am now re-listening to Rachel Hollis’ book (Girl, Wash your Face) and have been listening to her podcasts, and a lot of the same content I heard at the conference is in her other content as well. But the conference does give you something you can’t buy at a store- the sense of community, the participation factor, showing up, dancing with 4,000 women, being really vulnerable to present your true self in front of total strangers.


Thank you for reading!

Here are some pictures throughout the conference:

Wait, Where's That Rule Book?

Well, the day has come, our little Abby is half a year old! That is nuts! Actually, today she is 7 months old. I have been meaning to write this blog for 4 weeks now, but life has been busy!

So I thought I would collect my thoughts on how the past 6 months have gone, record memories of what Abby is like now and any lessons learned! 

Abigail is at the 90th percentile in her height, measuring at 27.5 inches! We don’t know quite how she is so tall because I am short and her dad is average for a male height. Our pediatrician said she will likely grow to be taller than I am. Better get her signed up for basketball now! She is 17 lbs and 9 oz, which is about 70% percentile for weight. Our arms are definitely getting stronger! 

Her personality lights up any room and it is so inspiring to see her do new things and new traits every day. Seeing the biggest smile on her face when she sees me after a long day is the BEST THING in the entire world. She loves to cuddle and one of my favorite things in life right now is when she is tired, she falls asleep right on my shoulder or chest. She tries to fight it at first but I start rubbing her back and her eyes drift off and she plops her head right down and we snuggle. It is the best thing in the world. She can do this the rest of her life if she wants to, my shoulder will always be here. 

Abby Is SO smart. It impresses me daily. We have started doing some sign language with her. We started out with signs for milk, eat, more, all gone, play, change diaper, sleep, light, and now working in mommy and daddy. Within about a week she picked up milk and is signing milk to us when she’s drinking the milk! At times we have caught her signing milk when she’s not eating, but we aren’t quite sure if she’s actually hungry for the milk or just doing it. I don’t know if she’s quite made that connection yet. But just the fact that she signs milk while she’s drinking means she connects milk with the sign! Woot! 

She is just starting to fully sit up by herself now after weeks and months of flopping over. This is so cool as this now leads to some independent play which is cool to watch. She mostly just loves to bang things together or touch new textures. We turned our newly remodeled “dining room” (it was never really a dining room but that’s what the floor model states) into her playroom, complete with lots of toys and a puzzle play mat! So watching her sit up in the middle of it and play independently with her toys is so cool to see those brain connections forming! She has awesome dexterity (which kind of reminds me of a gorilla the way she grabs things). Crawling is a different story, she literally has zero interest in moving anywhere. We have tried enticing her with attractive things, demoing crawling, helping her into the position, but nope. The doctor said it’s a little early yet, so I am not too worried. I figure one day she will just surprise us all and just do it or she may skip crawling and go right to walking. She has great posture when she help her stand and does well standing on her own with minimal support, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we see those feet moving before crawling. The doctor was impressed on how well she’s sitting so I will take that! 

Music is one of her favorite things-albeit the new hit song “baby shark” seems to be her absolute favorite, which is hard to hear over and over. But she seems to love all music, from lullabies, to rock n’roll! It will most days, turn a frown into a laugh when she hears music. When it doesn’t, we know it’s a sign she needs to take a nap or eat. 

Solids! Ah, solid foods! I have no idea what I am doing, Sorry Abby! We are starting her on puréed foods and so far she LOVES them. I have no idea how much to give or how often but were kinda winging it and it seems to be going okay. I am trying to stick to mostly veggies and some of the sweeter veggies at this point to try and foster an early love for veggie taste before we allow straight up bananas. (I’ve tasted banana baby food and it’s GOOD so I wouldn’t want veggies again after eating that either!) But then there is all this talk of “baby led weaning” but I have no idea how to do that so for now we are kinda just winging it day by day. Just last night she showed an interest in taking the spoon by herself so we shall see! 

Six months is truly an emotional conundrum! I see her turning into this beautiful, smart child and we cannot wait to experience new things with her, show her places, take her to interesting and new experiences, have conversations with her, but at the same time I want to freeze in time the baby ages too! I will miss her falling asleep on my shoulder. I will miss breastfeeding deeply. I will miss her tiny hands! This is the first time I have wanted time to speed up but also stay still at the same time! #parenting lol

Having a child brings on so many more emotions than you ever thought possible. Before being a mom to a human, I was a mommy to fur-babies. When I saw an animal being hurt or getting lost in a TV show, movie or heard about it in real life, my heart literally broke because I imagined those horrible things happening to my fur-babies. When I saw or heard about horrible things happening to children, of course it was terrible and heartbreaking but I couldn’t truly connect with those emotions yet before being a mom to a human. Now, I hear these stories of kidnapping, or children dying in tragedies or illnesses and it literally breaks my heart into a million pieces, imagining those same things happening to Abigail. The best thing I can do is hug her extra tight in those moments of anxiety, take the best care of her that I can, teach her good values and morals her whole life, teach her about danger and staying away, and always love her. I have to tell myself that every day to keep the anxiety at bay. If other new moms reading this can take anything away from this, I hope they know that post partum anxiety is REAL and it’s SCARY! But it’s OKAY and none of us are alone in it. It’s normal to imagine the worst possible scenarios happening to your child. It’s normal to have anxiety worrying about the future. I told my post partum therapist that I literally felt like I had the devil and the angel sitting on opposite sides of my shoulders. The devil is feeding all of this anxiety while the angel is grounding me and being realistic and telling me to focus on right now, focus on the present, focus on what is real. Right now, she’s with you. Right now, she is not sick. Right now, she is not hurt. Right now, she is happy. Right now, she is okay. Focus on that. Focus on right now. Focus on today. Focus on tomorrow, tomorrow. It’s a mantra! 

As for mommy life, life is busy! I have started my masters program in predictive analytics. I won't bore you with the details because everyone's eyes start to drift off to sleep when I try and talk about it, but it truly makes me SO.HAPPY. The hardest part is one day each week I can't put Abby to bed, but I have to remind myself it's for our future as a family. 

If anyone is curious about Abbys schedule for modeling it for their own use, here goes! But keep in mind, every baby is different, every mommy is different ! What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. And most of all, there are no wrong answers!

Weekday:
Baby:
Wake up- 6:40 AM

Breastfeeds-7AM

Bottle 9AM (5oz)

Nap 9-11:30 (this varies)

 Plays 

Solid foods ~ 12 

Bottle 1:30 (5oz)

Nap 2-3:30

Bottle (or breastfeeds depending on mommy schedule) ~ 5pm (5oz)

Solids 6,6:30 ish

30 minute nap 6:30-7

Breastfeeds 8pm

Bed, sleeps 8:30-6:45 (usually)

Mommy: 
Breastfeeds 7AM
Pumps 10:30 (4-5oz)
Pumps 2:30 (4-5oz)
Breastfeeds OR bottle at 5 
Breastfeeds 8PM
pumps ~2-4 oz 10PM

I'd be happy to answer any questions or offer any advice! 

Love, the new Motherboard

The Piece You Made With Me

Almost exactly a year ago to this day, I began a new hobby. Prior to that, when making a Christmas list for Christmas 2017, I thought, hey cross stitching looks fun, (and much to my wrong thinking, looks easy). So I picked out a completely random set on Amazon and put it on my list. My husband got me the kit for that Christmas. Right around this time exactly, last January, I was nauseous a lot in the early stages of the pregnancy and I was looking for something to keep my mind off it, especially at nights after work. So I got out the kit and started one night. I had no idea what I was doing and quickly learned this was not going to be easy. I read the directions, and I shook my head and thought to myself, no way. I can’t figure this out. I put the directions back in the kit and resumed watching tv, giving up without even starting. I watched tv for about 5 more minutes, while I stared at the kit next to me on the couch. I picked up the kit again and thought, what the hell? I can at least try. So I got the kit back out, the thread, directions, etc. I still didn’t really know what I was doing. There were color codes for the thread and little numbers next to it like (1), (2), (3), etc., all the way up to 6. What did these mean?? I, of course, ignored it. I figured out the color code and pattern and I began to try and put the thread in the needle. Well, THAT took about 30 minutes my first time, and a lot of frustration (ALMOST leading to the whole thing going back in the kit). I started following the pattern and got about 20 or so stitches done....when the needle literally broke in half. That was it. No more. I was done. This was stupid and stupid to ask for, stupid to try, and it was all stupid. I was giving up. I put it all away again and tossed it aside.

The next night, I looked at the kit again and thought, what did I do wrong? I took it back out and looked at the directions again and saw it...(you professional cross stitchers out there will laugh at this, but remember, I had never done this), but I saw it! Those NUMBERS (1), (2), etc, were telling me how many individual threads were supposed to be used to indicate the thickness of the thread color! Dope me the first time put all six strands in which was way too thick! No wonder it was hard to thread my first time and the needle broke. So now, determined to succeed, I flipped the piece over and started again all over at the other corner and was on my way.

Over the next few nights, I began doing anywhere between 30-60 minutes every single night on this piece. And I made A LOT of mistakes, and still almost thought about giving up many times. It was humbling to work so hard and for so long to feel like I was making so little progress in comparison to the whole picture. But it also occurred to me that the struggles I was facing in the piece, had a strange metaphor to what was going on in my life at the time. I had just recently been asked to cover someone else’s job while they were on maternity leave, a job not only I had never done before, knew very little about, did not have the correct resources/clearances to do said job, had no training to do job, no preparation, and we had just gone live with a software that this job was right in the middle of it all. Oh, and I was in my own first trimester with Abby and nauseous, VERY nauseous, every single day. Needless to say, life was kind of a stressful mess! But as I sat there at night working on my piece, I felt that even though it felt I was making little progress in comparison to the entire huge piece that seemed like it would never get done, I could get one stitch done at a time. If I could make one stitch, that was one more stitch that I had the day prior and I would slowly make progress. And it hit me, that’s all I could do at my job to stay sane. If I could at least show up and get a little done each day, without stressing myself out about the "entire piece" then I could manage that. If I could figure out how to correct my mistakes and set backs in my cross stitch, then I could figure out how to move past challenges and set backs in my job, too. The stitch also provided a way for me to spend time at night not thinking about work and just relaxing throughout the pregnancy.

I continued on, every night, and my job began to let up. The person came back from leave and I finished that "duty", but then got asked to cover someone else’s maternity leave that had a similar job. Luckily I at least knew more about that persons job role and had prior experience in it, so I was a lot less stressed. I began to feel that as Abby was growing bigger in the womb, she was connected to the cross stitch as they began to grow together. We sat for hours on weeknights and weekends together, feeling her kick and getting through the nausea, migraines, etc, together, as we worked on the piece. It felt so good to see progress as I was starting to make out actual shapes, i.e. I made a tree! A fence! A shed! It’s actually looks like something! Each stitch I had worked so hard for, it was beginning to look like something!

But of course there were set backs. Not only hundreds of mistakes (I am still SO confused as to how I could possibly so diligently follow the pattern and yet was constantly running into errors!) but then there was the BIG set back. I was about to go on a work trip. I was packing for the trip and wanted to bring my cross stitch as something to do when I was alone in the hotel room at night, probably nauseous. I put it INSIDE my suitcase on top of all my stuff, I closed the lid but I hadn’t zippered the suitcase yet as I intended to still put a few last minute things in. I had a late day flight and that morning decided to take a nap before having to go to the airport. Well, right as I went in to go collect my suitcase before final preparations to leave for the airport, there my piece was, on the floor, shredded!!! My DOG, my sweet angel but PSYCHO dog who thinks she is a GOAT with how attracted to paper she is, had completely torn up my pattern. I sat down in tears after yelling at the dog and picked up my piece, which I thought was a complete goner. LUCKILY she SOMEHOW must not have been able to eat the piece itself and was just interested in the paper pattern sheet, which was now officially in shreds! So I still had my piece. I ordered a whole new kit on Amazon so that I could get a new pattern sheet. I had to sit there and cross out all the stitches I had already done and probably lost a good 2 weeks on the process. But, like other challenges, we persevered.

Then a complete new development happened. I was regularly posting updates on my piece on facebook, and my aunt had noticed something very peculiar. She picked up that the piece actually was a picture of a place. It was the Mabry mill along the Blue Ridge parkway in Virginia. All this time I thought it was just a pretty picture. Then for my aunt to recognize it and it was a real place!? What became even more goosebumpy, was that turns out, according to my Aunt and seconded by other family members, turns out the Mabry Mill on the Blue Ridge Parkway was one of my grandmothers FAVORITE places to visit when traveling. This really struck on a heartstring for me, as my grandmother had passed away 7 years ago. So to have completely randomly picked a cross stitch piece on Amazon, persevere through all the challenges and continue on, and then to realize it was a picture of my grandmothers favorite place? It felt like more than a coincidence. As I continued stitching every night, it felt like not only was I doing it with Abby in the womb, but also with my grandmother watching over my shoulder, too.

Here is the Mabry Mill in real life:

As we counted down the days to our due date, I tried desperately to finish before she came. I had this fear that once a new mom when she was born, I would never have time to do stitching ever again. I feared I had come so far, so close to finishing, only to let it sit unfinished for the next 20 years til I could pick it up again. I didn’t want to let myself down, Abby down, my grandmother down.
But, It was unrealistic. I couldn’t finish before she came. So she came! And yes, the first month or so of Abby being here, I didn’t touch it. For multiple reasons. I was too tired. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to focus on it, I couldn’t focus on it. I didn’t want to get the whole thing out and start stitching only to have her cry and I would have to put the whole thing away again. I wouldn’t label it as post partum depression, but the first month or so post partum, the whole artistic side of me kind of felt shut down. Like mom-mode was so dominant during that time, the tiredness, it all took over and I couldn’t possibly think about doing anything related to art, or my stitch.

After a month or so, I still didn’t want to stitch. Like, I really didn’t want to. I resented it. I felt pressure now to do it, like getting a masters dissertation done after years of procrastination. Now it just felt like something I felt pressured to do, because it had meant so much to me before the birth. But deep inside me, way deep deep down, I knew the answer to it all was to try. I had to try to finish.
So, very similar to how I started back in January 2018, one stitch at a time, I resumed again just so, one stitch at a time. And it did something miraculous. One stitch at a time, each stitch started rebuilding that part of my brain, the artistic side, the me side. It started pulling me out of the post partum funk, reminding me of who I am and what I like to do, and that it was OKAY to work on fun things even with a baby. So on maternity leave, while she napped, I got about an hour or so each day to continue working on it. In December 2018 I FINALLY got it done!

And you know what? There are SOOOOO many mistakes. Like, so, so, so many. Probably over a hundred. And of course one mistake leads to others, naturally, as the pattern has to rework itself. It’s a miracle it turned out even looking like something at all. But, you know what else? To me, its another metaphor about it all. It felt like a metaphor for MY OWN SELF. The mistakes is what made it perfect, to me. It made it unique, technically it was like no other piece, even if they had the same pattern. It was it's own snow flake. And the fact that there were so many mistakes but still came out to be beautiful, gave me hope that in my life there are so many mistakes that have happened over the years but that is what makes me who I am today. And its all still so beautiful. Deep.


So I look at the finished piece today, framed and in my living room as a daily reminder that:
1. Life is all about getting one stitch done at a time.
2. Mistakes are what make life beautiful.
3. Each challenge might seem insurmountable but is indeed eventually possible to overcome in some way.
4. My grandmother is still always watching over me.
5. Art, any kind of art, can help pull a new mom back to herself. Art can do wonderful things for the brain!

I hope to get to visit the Mabry mill in person one day! Life is short. Life is fascinating. It is a small, weird strange world. And I love it.

This piece is for my grandmother. This piece is for Abby. This piece is for me. 

Thank you for reading.

Here is the final piece:

Thankful

Hello!

It's Thanksgiving today! Abby's first Thanksgiving! The season all about giving thanks and reflecting. I used to always write a thanksgiving post on my old blog so I wanted to continue here!


This year more so than any year prior, I have so much to be thankful for, every single day, not just Thanksgiving.

This time last year on Thanksgiving, I woke up to a phone call. We were supposed to be getting ready soon to go to my alma mater's big Thanksgiving day football game, but instead my grandma was calling me- She was in excruciating pain and wanted to go to the ER. So I jumped out of bed, threw on clothes and ate a pop tart in the car on the way there, and I quickly brought my grandma to the ER on Thanksgiving.

Well, ER visits usually always mean hours of waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for answers, waiting to be seen, etc. So this means we had lots of time for talking. The reason I tell you this story is that my grandma and I specifically had a conversation about how sad I was that my husband and I hadn't been able to conceive yet. That we had been trying for 2 years and seeing negative pregnancy test after another was becoming heartbreaking. I wanted so much for my grandma to be able to have a great grandchild. She heard me vent it all out and we talked that day of other options for us. We could adopt, but it was so expensive, the system seemed backwards. We could look into surrogacy or IVF (I *Really* didn't want to explore IVF).  But after talking some options over, we left it at a hopeless shrug and figured we would resume the conversation another time.

Little did I know, that it turns out that at that very moment, I was probably about 2 weeks pregnant!!

We found out the morning of December 11th, 2017, about 2 weeks after Thanksgiving day. I was having random pelvic pains and as I got ready for the morning, I figured I would just take another test like all the others. I honestly was expecting another negative and when I saw the two lines I was speechless. I held it in my hands like an egg and called out my husbands name in shock. He was half asleep still but heard the alarm in my voice. When he saw me looking at the test in my hands, he knew. We embraced in a hug in complete shock and laughed and cried!!!

From that day forward, I was so very thankful. And terrified. Excited. Nervous. Jittery. Hopeful. Happy. Everything!! We were finally pregnant! I was so nervous and didn't want to let myself get too excited, I was so afraid we were going to lose the pregnancy because it took us a few years to get pregnant. I didn't want my heart to break by letting myself get too excited over it. But each day, each week, each month, we made it another and she was born!

Every day with my daughter is a day I cherish. I know I sound corny, as all parents feel this way, but it's true. She makes me smile every single day. Sure some moments are trying and challenging, but it's all a learning experience. Even on the moments that have been hard, she still makes my heart smile. I know she's smart and it's amazing watching her take in information and figure out what to do with what she's learning. She sees us now and smiles, she recognizes us and laughs. So, I am thankful for each day we have had together so far and may God bless an eternity more together.

But that's not all I am thankful for, of course. My husband has been a true savior and an absolutely amazing father. Fatherhood seems to have come completely natural to him, and some of my favorite moments involve just watching them together. It is astonishing seeing the man I spent 6 years with just him and I together, transform into this amazing father. He has truly stepped up to the plate to take care of so much. I can tell he cherishes moments with her when he can just hold her and hug her. He loves to talk to her, read her books, play her music and show her everything he loves.  I know reading parenting forums on the internet can be a dark place full of lots of scary information, but from what I have read from other moms out there in the world, they can't say they are in the same place. Many moms have had the baby's father leave, unknown in the picture, or abuse them or the child, do harmful things, not be present, not be helpful, etc. It's terrible what some people are like out there and each day I wonder how I got so incredibly lucky to find and marry such a man as this that is such an amazing husband and father. I can't wait to keep watching them together!  I am also of course so thankful that my grandmother did get to become a great grandmother after all! Seeing her marvel over Abby when she holds her in her arms is one of life's most wonderful moments.

Of course I am thankful for both of our families and parents. They are all absolutely in heaven that they are all grandparents. I am thankful we can keep Abby out of daycare because my husbands mom has chosen to retire and take on taking care of Abby full time. This is amazing as Abby can spend each day with family that loves her more than anything, I feel better knowing where she is and can check on her anytime and be a part of her daily routine still.

Seeing my own father especially transform into grandfather-hood has also been astonishing to see. Going from my stern father that always knows what to do and is there for all the dad stuff, has become someone totally different when he holds Abby in his arms. The love between them already is undeniable. Just last night together we all had this amazing moment where he was able to make Abby laugh multiple times by having her copy him. It was amazing to watch!

I am thankful for our three pets! After going through the tragic heartbreak of losing a cat way too young to a severe illness, each day I am thankful for the three pets we have, Belle (cat-5), Maui (cat-1) and Daisy (Dog-2). They are INSANE and often times I spend more time wondering why they challenge me more than my newborn daughter, but I still love them. They LOVE Abby and Daisy the dog wants to be near her all the time. Which makes sense, as Daisy always used to lay on my belly when I was pregnant so they got to know each other early.

I am thankful my family is healthy. Each day we can make it through another day healthy is a good day, and I pray we can say this every year.

I am thankful for a beautiful house that keeps us warm and safe in a safe neighborhood.

I am thankful to all my friends and extended family that have offered their help in our new parenthood journey and nothing has gone unnoticed. We love you all and are so thankful.

I am thankful I have a great job that not just pays the bills but excites me and makes me invigorated to help make a difference in the healthcare industry.


I am thankful, most of all, for each day given to us. Call out the corny, go ahead, but truly, parenthood has shown me that each and every day is a treasure and a gift. It could all be taken away in a second, in one moment, and for that I am thankful for each day given to us.

And I am thankful to all of you who choose to read this! Thank you!

Love,

The New Motherboard <3

The Anxiety Ache

Hello readers!

We are 37 weeks! That is insane. Truly.

Things are overall going....well? Considering other people's stories, I have it pretty good. My main ailments revolve around getting bigger, like hip pains, lower back pain, etc. My carpal tunnel in my wrist is flaring up but that could also be the week's worth of rain the northeast just got dumped. My fatigue has been horrible as each day I feel like I could sleep while walking... I guess that is natures way of prepping me for the next 20 years! I have made some adjustments lately so hopefully that improves. Overall I am lucky, I don't have the insomnia, overly frequent urination, heartburn, etc.

My other big symptom lately has been anxiety. As if it hasn't been "real" this whole time, it especially feels real now. IF she waits until full term, then we only have 3 weeks left, (actually by now its 2 weeks and 5 days!!) and thats if she doesn't come early, which she has shown signs of maybe wanting to. I'm thinking (at least hoping) that this is normal for moms this close to delivery to feel. Basically I can't decide what is scarier at this point, her being inside me or her being on the outside living with us.

Last Monday (again with the Monday's) she gave us another scare. I was having contractions on and off Sunday and then came down with this constant abdominal pain that wasn't going away. We figured it was likely the early stages of labor and we went to bed to get a good night's rest, thinking we'd be having a baby Monday. I tried working from home Monday but the pain continued although the contractions faded. I took a nap and the pain continued. I let the doctor know and she told me to rest and try a few stretches to get baby to move. I tried as best I could and went to a cardiology appt that I had, and when I left the cardiologist I just felt dizzy, out of it and still had the pain. I called the doctor again and was told to go to L&D triage. Well, long story short, 6 hours were spent in triage and we didn't leave until 11:30 pm. Our end diagnosis was "heartburn" and I was still in a LOT of pain. I knew it wasn't heartburn, I've had heartburn before throughout my life and know exactly what it feels like. This felt like I was wearing jeans just above my belly button that were way too tight and digging into me, even though there was nothing there. But we were exhausted, I was sore from laying on a stretcher, and were both starving. So we took the diagnosis and left. Tuesday I stayed home from work and rested, the pain continued. I tried yoga, hot shower, resting, lots of water...The pain slightly subsided. I went to get groceries and was practically gripping the shopping cart with white knuckles in pain. I went home and rested some more. Eventually the pain subsided on its own, but it really got me thinking, at what point do you really start raising the alarm? It's not just me and my body anymore, I am a mom now and need to advocate for my daughter. At what point is it just to keep calling the doctors because you are in pain even though they diagnosed you with "heartburn"? I hate being "that" person that doctors roll their eyes at, but they're also not living in my body and feeling my pain. I know its not OK to listen to horror stories online, but how can you avoid them? I hear these stories of mom with weird symptoms that ended up being a matter of life or death for their baby, and they caught it just in time thanks to the mom continuously fighting for their unborn child. It really is hard knowing at what point to trust yourself or to just the doctors. I work in and receive healthcare from a state of the art hospital and healthcare system which I know is a blessing in comparison to other healthcare institutions in my area that I could not say the same for. But it is still terrifying.

So yeah, these last few weeks are anxiety driven as I worry for her health. I go weekly to the doctor and so much technology exists to monitor unborn children, but I know how fast things can take a turn for the worse.  I just am terrified I will miss a symptom and not know she's in danger. I've always been fascinated by healthcare technology and I want all the tests done because I want to know as much about her as possible! Her size, her weight, etc. She always passes her kick counts, but then there are those days where she just isn't moving as much and you can see the anxiety all over my face and my tensed body on those days. I just have had horrible nightmares of her not making it or something horribly wrong with her health and I cannot imagine coming all this way and not getting to meet her and bring her home. I just cannot.  I addressed these horrible fears with the doctor and she offered anti-anxiety medicine. As if. You would need to put me in a coma to get rid of my anxiety, and frankly I would think any new mom would say that! Its natural to be concerned, and I wouldn't want to be a happy go lucky zombie walking around thats not concerned about her child's health.

But that brings me to her being born! Let's skip over the whole labor and delivery part, I know thats full of many anxious thoughts I won't bring up now. Let's skip right to the day when we bring her home. I know my anxiety will continue. That's natural for a mom with a new baby. But being so close to this point, I am trying to visualize our life with a newborn and the next year ahead. I know our life will change drastically and its hard imagining those scenarios and how we will cope until we're in the middle of it living it. We both want to do everything right, but like any new parent, we also have no idea what we are doing. I'm not sure yet how I am going to sleep, especially that first week, and trust that she's okay, alive and breathing. I remember babysitting infants and sometimes would just watch them breathe as they slept to ensure they were okay. But I hope that anxiety fades in time. But even the years to come, It's going to be hard controlling my anxiety with any ailment the child has. She will cough and I will be worried its tuberculosis. Okay thats extreme, but you get my point. With my huge imagination mixed with my anxiety, you can probably guess I've always been a little bit of a hypochondriac myself. And this extends to those I love also. When my husband has a health issue or a close family member, I always feel like I need to err on the side of caution and I think of all the horrible things it could be. I think this stems from a fear of guilt, from imagining if I were wrong or downplayed their concerns or symptoms and then it ended up being something deadly or serious. I think the same thing applies with my future child. As a nurse myself, I fear that if I downplay their symptom, what If it does turn out to be very serious and I ignored it?

We have picked out our pediatrician and he has helped to ease my anxiety. He has been in practice for almost 30 years and seems to really know his stuff and has good instinct. I trust that and hope we will be a good match.

Overall, we cannot wait to meet her. To see what she looks like. To bring her home and start living our lives as a family of three (6 with the pets!) and to start seeing and experiences those miracles and her milestones.  We can't wait to start living life through her eyes and experiencing all life has to offer with a child, showing her all the things we love. But I know the next couple months are going to be the most challenging of them all also. We are very blessed to have a lot of support with friends and family very close by and just a text or call away, so I am thankful for that.


Thank you for sticking with it with a long post with me. It helps to just get all of this out, even just for my sanity! Now we are going to go on a walk :-)

Happy Saturday!

Love, the New Motherboard. <3