Lessons Learned: Some Old, Some New

 Well, We have all survived as a family of 4 for 10 days! Boy has it been a journey! Not just week one of newborn life, but just for fun throw in a toddler, Christmas Day and New Years in the mix also, OH and a pandemic. And just for extra sprinkles on top, a crazy dog and 2 cats. 

Alas, we are all alive. Somehow our memories make us forget what the newborn days are like so that we procreate again, because we are both wondering "Was it this hard with our first??" And the answer is no and yes. It is different. Being the second child makes it easier because we know what to expect (mostly), but much harder juggling a toddler and a newborn this time around. But things do come back to you like riding a bike, like breastfeeding, diaper changes, newborn baths, etc. 

My toddler (2 years and 4 months) hasn't really warmed up to him yet. She does seem to care for him, and frequently wants to know his whereabouts, wants him to be in the same room, brings him toys, and now is into shouting "It's Okay! It's Okay!" when he is crying (it's the cutest). But she does not want to hold him, or touch him, or any type of contact yet. We are letting her do it when she is ready on her own terms. We are definitely seeing some behavior changes as well with her as she adjusts to this new transition and realizing she's no longer the center of attention. I am trying to do all the things, give her 1:1 time, tell her I love her, keep her routine as stable as possible, give her clear explanations for what I am doing with baby boy but not blaming him for why I cannot play with her. Hopefully she adjusts soon! We also struggle to adequately keep her entertained and busy, but due to the fact that we are all in what I call "basic survival mode" meaning making sure everyone is alive, fed and somewhat rested- entertainment is hard to muster up. So, big amounts of gratitude go to Disney +, as I can now proudly say I have memorized the scripts to not just Olaf's Frozen Adventure, Frozen, Frozen 2, but also now working on Once Upon a Snowman. Frozen is now officially her favorite thing ever. Normally I might feel guilty about letting her watch all of these in one day....um, every day, but again, survival mode. Honestly, if my toddler will sit there nicely playing toys and watching movies that I  in fact also like, then its a win right now. We will work on the screen time later. We are parenting a newborn and a toddler in a pandemic! Basic-survival-mode. 

But week one, it's been rough. However we are so blessed that we have a support system, although it is more challenging this go around with COVID mixed in. We can't really accept much external help due to the fear of introducing COVID in this vulnerable household right now, so yet another change in how we have been able to welcome him into the world.

The nights have been rough- He is awake about every 2 hours (sometimes 2.5) at night, and changing him and feeding him takes about 30-40 minutes, giving me about 90 minutes maximum to sleep in between. And thats if I fall asleep right away. That is sometimes the hardest part of new motherhood. It's easy enough to say, "okay I have 90 minutes, let's sleep the whole time!" but really, mom ears are always open and every little baby grunt or whimper whips me wide awake again, and I spend a large amount of time stressing myself out with thoughts like, "Okay, now is your chance- ya better sleep now...like right now...go to sleep...count the sheep...now's your chance...Soon he will be awake again...sleep now or forever stay awake...soon your time is up..." and it goes on and on. During the day I get about 3-3.5 hour naps out of him, but of course we are chasing our toddler around all day. So "Sleep when the baby sleeps" carries a new meaning when you introduce your second. And it's pretty much nonexistent. Basically we have still been able to take naps with the use of "who's turn is it to nap" and one parent will man both kids while the other can peacefully get a solid 2 hours. 

At night I also find myself not sleeping in my desired positions either. After you put the baby in the bassinet, of course you must awkwardly stand there making sure all your efforts have worked and it appears in fact that he will go to sleep. Once you've accepted the fact that just maybe, he does indeed appear to be falling asleep, you realize OMG my 90 minutes has now started, its now like 87 minutes! So you carefully crawl into bed (our bassinet is right next to my side) so as not to make any noise. But THEN, You can't get into a perfectly comfortable position because THEN you are pretty much asking the baby gods to wake your baby up, thus you must let go of your comfy position and attend to baby. So INSTEAD, you awkwardly lay there in pretty much whatever position you got in the bed, and compromise with the baby gods- "I will agree to lay here uncomfortably if you just give me 2 hours of sleep" and there we go. Except sometimes the baby Gods still go back on their word, and on nights like last night, baby is up at 2 am and doesn't truly find more sleep until 6:30 when we all give up and come downstairs. These days, I find extra comfort in latching on to dreams I have had, because they are proof that I did in fact sleep. I'd also be lying if I said I haven't googled how much night nurses cost! Just kidding, I won't go there...yet. 

Having a boy has its other challenges of course that having a girl did not bring prior! Of course I am talking about the lovely diaper changes. Prior to newborn life, I heard all the warnings, but thought, how hard can it be? Just keep the diaper over the area and you won't get peed on. HAH! HA! We have been shot with valiant streams of pee (it really is amazing how high it can go) multiple times. On our first night home, I assure you we went through approximately 5 outfits (JUST overnight). Luckily we have improved slightly since then and *only* range 1-2 outfits per night now. If we are lucky enough to catch it from shooting in the air, we still sometimes face it creating puddles underneath as well. BUT I have learned some tips, in which I will share with you- in possible hopes it may help another boy mom out there!

From this point forward, lets just refer to "it" as well...It.

Step 1: Roll up the onesie as far up as you can go as to prevent babies outfit from getting soaked. 

Step 2: Place a new diaper directly under the still fastened, dirty diaper, so as also to protect the changing pad from puddles.

Step 3: Open up the old diaper. NOW WAIT. NO SUDDEN MOVES. "It" has now seen the cold and you are now in the danger zone. DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF IT. THE MINUTE YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF IT, IT WILL SHOOT HIGHER THAN THE YELLOWSTONE FOUNTAIN GEYSER. 

Step 4: If you aren't lucky enough to promote the pee fountain during these first 30 seconds with the old diaper still there ready to re-shut to capture the pee, then try waving at it to further induce coldness. No I don't mean waving hello, you know what I mean- just wave to blow air on it. Repeat Step 3. 

Step 5: If you have not been able to induce the stream of pee, you're now on your own. Ya gotta do the rest As-Fast-As-POSSIBLE. Have your wipes ready, have the butt cream ready and ready set GO! Get that old diaper out and new diaper fastened as soon as possible! Beat your own record every time! We still sometimes have gotten hit during this danger zone, but the likelihood has been a little less. 

We did buy these little "pee pee teepees" that basically provide somewhat of a pee shelter in hopes of catching most of the pee if he does go. But these have not quite stopped the other problem of the puddles underneath, plus they don't stay on great, especially with small squirmy babies like mine. 

Speaking of buying things, holy canoli. First off, let me express my gratitude for Amazon, especially during this pandemic. I realize I suddenly need something, and I'm on Prime ordering it right away. Sometimes I don't even know if the product exists and Amazon shows me the light! (Like the pee pee tee pee!- I just typed "pee shelter" into the search bar, and who knew- it exists!) And also I'd like to express even MORE gratitude for Amazon's return policy. Four products in the last 10 days, FOUR, I have bought hastily because I was convinced I needed it for my postpartum recovery or for baby, and by the time it arrived (granted there were holiday shipping delays), I realized I did not in fact need it. RETURN. 

As for my recovery, I must say it has seemingly gone much better than I felt it did with my first. Maybe its because I knew what to expect, maybe not. I had the same degree tear but this time overall felt like I healed faster. My biggest piece of advice to any pregnant mom is to start a miralax regime about a month prior to expected delivery and continue post partum. It will REALLY help that first poo after birth which is NO-JOKE. In fact Miralax might be my new go-to present I gift to new moms at their baby showers. I might get weird looks but they will thank me after their first poo. 

My milk came in around day 3, 4 ish and hot diggity. I cannot actually believe women pay a lot of money to feel like this ALL THE TIME. I truly feel like I am a breast size X right now and it is ridiculous. I know my body is still figuring it out but MAN. Whenever the baby nurses, he's basically telling my body each time and each day how much my body should continue to make, and frankly the  milk chef is having a hard time keeping up. I visualize a milk waiter taking his order, like- ok so you want 2 oz now, 7 oz later, 5 oz after that, Left boob right boob, 6 oz tonight- and then the waiter gives up and delivers 2 gallon milk jugs and just basically installed a gallon on each boob and told the baby to figure it out. It is insane. 

I'd say the last biggest difference between the first and second kid (besides the gender, duh) has been the comfort level. Although caring for newborns is still really scary and still generates anxiety, the comfort level is still noticeably higher. With my first we literally logged every time I nursed, which boob, how long...every pee, every poo, etc. We used the Glow Baby app and it was great, I highly recommend for new parents. I even printed the spreadsheet it gives you and brought it to my pediatrician and he laughed at its insaneness. This time around, we made it to day four with logging everything. Basically, is he peeing? Yes. Is he pooping? Yes. Is he eating? Yes. Thats all we need to know. Everything works. As for remembering which boob I handed out last and exactly what time it was? No idea. But we're figuring it out. 

The last thing I leave you with is the emotional state. Being a new parent is so hard, so emotionally and physically exhausting that sometimes each day its hard figuring out how to keep going. How to face yet another night of no sleep. The best advice I can help give is to do teamwork parenting. Take turns on who is doing what. Give each other turns napping like I mentioned above. Give each other GRACE and don't get on each others case about what they are or are not doing right now. Show each other love and support as you are each struggling in different ways. Balance the duties. If the mom is exclusive breastfeeding, then dads can help with more diapers, or the dishes, or laundry, etc. Set goals for the day. That sounds overly ambitious, but I actually mean it to be the opposite. Set one goal or intention for the day, and everything else is icing on the cake. For example, "today we will just do one load of laundry", or "today I will fold yesterdays load of laundry", "today I will wash the dishes", and literally GO YOU. You set a goal, even if its a small one, and rest the rest of the day. In fact, writing this blog today was my only goal. The rest of the day has been baby snuggles! And lots of pee and poop. But give yourself grace. Give yourself rest. 

So many people have asked me in the first couple days, "do you need anything", or "how can I help", but I don't know what to tell people. What we need is someone to help pick up all the toddlers toys off the ground for the millionth time, someone to help make dinners, someone to do laundry, the dishes, etc. Unfortunately with COVID its a lot harder to even accept that kind of help right now.  So we cope. See above: basic-survival-mode. When hubby goes back to work....I'm still trying to figure out how I will survive, but again I plan to use my goal/intention technique above- one goal, one task, and the rest will be icing on the cake. 

Thank you all for reading my extensive word vomit. Newborn life is no joke. Its ONE of the hardest parts of parenting but also one of the best, too. The newborn snuggles are THE BEST, truly, the BEST. My toddler doesn't really snuggle anymore because she's always on the go, so when my little man will fall asleep in my arms, it is the best feeling ever. I cherish these days and am doing my best to record them in words and in pictures because I truly know how fast they go! 

Thank you for reading, 

Love, The New Motherboard. 

Baby Prep, Refrigerators and COVID

 Well here we are, 32 weeks (almost 33) weeks pregnant with number 2. How is it even possible that this pregnancy feels like it truly has gone by so fast? I truly do try and pause often and just soak it all in. I don't think a third one is in our future (but you never know!) so I want to truly treasure these weeks. 

About 7.3 weeks to go, and we have... not much ready. But yet, I don't feel that nervous about it? Maybe a little but not much? It's like with the first baby prep, we had no idea what we were walking into and had no idea what we needed, so I felt a lot more anxious. I coped by making sure our nursery was ready well in advance. Well, this time around we have to shuffle some things around. We decided to move our oldest down the hall so she has more room to grow as she ages (didn't make sense really to give the little baby brother a bigger room than his older sister). So we are in the midst of remodeling that room down the hall for my daughter. Once that is done (almost), and she's moved in, we can forge ahead with final preparation on the nursery. We have zero furniture and I keep procrastinating on that. We have a crib someone luckily gave to us so we just have to match furniture to that and roll with it. It will get there! Plus, now we know that baby truly won't need the nursery anyway til he is 3-5 months old when he transitions out of the bassinet in our room. 

In addition to the bedroom remodeling, our kitchen refrigerator also is kicking the dust-- which you may think, ok, just buy a new fridge. And it surely COULD have been that simple EXCEPT the silly architects of this house thought it would be brilliant to box in the fridge with cabinets and countertop- leaving very limited and small room and choices for what fridge we can get next. So, another remodel we undergo. We (well, I supervised- hubby did), tore down the cabinets (no cabinets were harmed), leaving our dying fridge just kinda hanging out there awkwardly. All our stuff that was in those cabinets is is random boxes as if we are moving, making it super fun. AND THEN we find out when we start fridge shopping that apparently refrigerators are the hot thing right now and hard to come by because of COVID and manufacturing/shipping issues- so most are on backorder til the new year. Cool. We still bit the bullet and took a chance on one we found from Lowe's, so lets pray it actually comes when it is supposed to so we can start putting our kitchen back together! Something about pregnancies in this house and major remodels. With our first pregnancy, I broke our oven- so we had to replace our oven & microwave, plus the nursery remodel AND remodeling our dining room into a playroom- whew! So if we do ever get pregnant a third time, I guess that leaves the dishwasher and a few other rooms to choose from to remodel! 

Everyone always asks me if my daughter is ready for baby... It's so hard to say. I mean who is ready for baby? She is 2 and 3 months, and every single day she surprises me with something new she has learned. She is able to understand complex commands now, is demonstrating caring, nurturing, responsibility... She knows there is a baby boy inside of mommy but I don't think she's fully grasped the fact that there is a baby that will be arriving into her world soon. She recognizes the baby has a soul though, I think, for example today she sat on top of me and I groaned in protest and said "You sat on the baby!" and she said "Ooops, sorry baby!"  We are trying to prep her as much as possible for understanding the fact that there will be a baby crying, we will have to be quiet sometimes, mommy will be holding another baby and most importantly, breastfeeding the baby. Abby hasn't breastfed since 14 months (about a year ago), so I hope there aren't any jealousy issues- but we will handle that as it comes! So is she ready? I guess as ready as we are! It will be amazing to see their interactions with each other and to see how she is nurturing him. 

Besides all that, life is revving up in intensity but also slowing down. My work life is revving up in terms of I need to get all my projects in a stable enough spot to be able to hand them off, but also I don't want to pick up new projects either. I am earning a really important certification through work this fall- I have already passed through one big project and one exam- and have three more exams to go. In 7 weeks. No big lol. So my brain feels like it will explode most days at work, but then on the flipside, life is significantly changing again on a personal level, and not just because baby is coming. COVID is ramping up in intensity at an ALARMING level, with new cases in my state (Pennsylvania) ranging around 5,000 per day. It is worse now than it was in the beginning of COVID. Granted we know more about it now, are more prepared, AND we are testing more people thus more numbers- but I still am confident in saying we are seeing more cases than we did back in April. But yet the world still is turning here, stores are still open with not many protocols, restaurants are open for dine in still, schools are open, some aren't. But given the fact that I am now almost 33 weeks pregnant, my husband and I have decided to "hunker back down" as a family unit as much as we can. Which is hard. So hard. I compare it to a diet. We all went on a diet in the spring because we HAD to, but we were all in it together. Then in the summer things relaxed a little and we all had a few donuts (okay a lot), i.e. we went out to restaurants, the beach, family outings, etc... and we got lucky. But now our family has decided to go back on that diet which is so hard after binging on all the things, and not everyone is doing it. Its hard not to go out to eat when the restaurants are open, as opposed to when the restaurants were closed in the Spring and we had no choice anyway. But, we are coping and it is a little easier as it gets colder as there isn't much to do anyway. We have lots of food packed in our freezer and will be staying in as much as we can, besides necessary grocery shopping and doctor appointments. As a nurse and with my gut feeling, I don't think COVID is going away any time soon. It's proven to be way too aggressive of a virus. It blows my mind to think back to my mindset back in March 2020 when we all thought this would just be a few weeks. Then we all thought, ok- maybe just till Summer. Now it's truly settling in that we are looking more like years. We still mourn normalcy like having normal date nights and going to the movies, not worrying about germs all the time, going out to eat without feeling like we are doing something wrong, not having to mask...but slowly we are just going to adapt to this just being the new normal. Our daughter already thinks it is normal to check our temperature every day- If we forget she literally asks to do it, forehead AND ears lol. She will likely grow up with her first few years of life thinking its completely normal that everyone wears masks. It will be very interesting to see how this will change their generation, how it will change ours... I think this could be a time period that gets referred to. Similar to how we refer to "the Great Depression", we will refer to this set of years, yes years, as "COVID". 

Well, I could probably continue word vomiting out my thoughts, but its lunch time here and I have a hungry toddler! I hope to write again before baby comes! 

Thank you for reading, 

Love, the New MotherBoard

Weaning Away the Oz

Hello Everyone!

So Abby is 11 months old (technically next Thursday marks 12 months actually!!) We are planning her first birthday party and I just can’t even believe it. It still feels like a dream most days, honestly. I try and root myself in the reality but some days my mother in law will send me a picture of her while I’m at work and I can’t even believe how lucky I am and that I actually am a MOM to this beautiful baby.

Developmentally, Abby is doing great. She’s high in her percentiles and she is very tall! She is wearing about 18 month clothes comfortably, which is in-SANE. She recently started “crawling” or more so I call it, “inch-worming”. She uses her arms to propel her forward and she pushes off with her feet, basically like an inch-worm. My theory is since she’s very high in her percentiles for weight and height, she’s so big that she can’t developmentally lift up her body to crawl in the sense we imagine how crawling should be. Same likely goes for walking, but we will see.  She will now stand up against surfaces but only for short periods. Just last week she started sitting up on her own after crawling. So exciting!

Abby is so smart and it blows me away every single day that simple things we teach her actually make a difference. She follows commands extremely well (when she’s in the mood) and will imitate a wide variety of sounds. Her favorite thing to imitate is “Ho-ho-Ho” (no kidding) so she’s in PRIME shape for meeting Santa! She will say “Dada” and “mama” now and seems to say it appropriately. She will also point to items, such as “where is the blue circle?” Or “where is the pink diamond?” Or “where is the red crab?”. I am so proud of her but not sure how we are going to afford Harvard! Haha just kidding. But who knows! Her cutest new trick is opening her mouth and saying “ahhh” when we say “What’s in your mouth??”. She also is appropriately signing “more please” which is super cool!

Anyway, my main struggle lately and motivation for writing is struggling with breastfeeding/weaning/eating. Quick backstory, when I first started our breastfeeding journey I had a HUGE oversupply. I would be able to completely feed her just from one breast and let the other breast empty to a collection container, often times up to 4-5 oz per session! I never thought that my overabundant glorious oversupply would someday become what feels like a barren wasteland. When I came back to work at first, I would need to use two bottles per pumping session, often times filling one at 5 oz and halfway filling another to about 3 oz, total of 8 per session. Now, at 11 months old, I am lucky if I pump about 3 oz COMBINED in one session, and this has been this way for approximately 2 months of trying lots of different supply tricks. I have felt like not being able to produce what my child needs has been one of the hardest parts along this journey and feels like natures attack on your ability to be a good mother. The voice in my head is constantly telling me “Do not measure yourself in ounces! Stop!” But it’s hard to not let it bother you. I feel heart pains when I send her off for the day with only a limited supply of milk and it literally kills me. I worry every day she’s not getting enough.

One of the hard lessons learned that I plan to fix for future baby #2, is that I let so much frozen milk go to waste. Here’s why. Like I said, in those early days I would get 4-5 oz just from the other breast draining. I froze that. I probably froze about 150 oz of doing just that. When I went back to work, I still had an oversupply and Abby couldn’t use enough of what I produced before it would need to go into the freezer. So about November more bags started trickling into freezer supply. From November to May, I never had to dip into freezer stash for her daily supply. Then I had to go on a trip for work and we had to prepare what freezer stash she would use. Although I knew the golden rule was safe for 6-12 months, part of me felt skeevy giving Abby the old August/September milk. Not only was it my oldest milk obviously, but I was worried on its collection process. Since it wasn’t pumped out, it likely had very little fat in it since it was just drained milk. Secondly, the device used to collect the milk was basically just rinsed in between sessions, not sterilized. Go ahead, Gasp. I didn’t even think about it at the time. My priority at the TIME was “how can I realistically collect 5 OUNCES of breast milk into a device so that it literally doesn’t SOAK my shirt every 3 hours??”, Instead of the thought I should have been having “am I collecting and storing this milk in the best manner in case I need to actually use it one day” (DUH).

So, for baby number two, I am going to do a system that right off the bat to use my frozen milk as soon as I go back to work, and freeze the fresh milk, creating a rotating recycling system. Somehow I had it in m head this whole time that fresh was exclusively better than frozen and I felt like taking frozen out of the freezer was a failure on my part, meaning I didn’t have enough supply. Now I know that’s preposterous and I wish I could use all that old milk!

My plan to wean has been interesting, as I still have no idea what I am doing. I started two weeks and it seems to be working well. Here is her current meal plan:

7 am-breastfeeds

9am- breakfast foods & water

12pm- lunch and water

1 pm- I pump at work

2 pm -6 oz bottle

5 pm- dinner foods and water

8pm- formula 6 oz

10 pm- I pump before bed

So the new addition is formula…The girl that naively thought she would have her oversupply forever suddenly found herself staring at all the formula options in a field of panic in target. I tried so hard to exclusively breastfeed but when it got to the point where it was stressing me out daily to make enough ounces, I bent. So now with giving her formula, I can make an extra 4 oz that’s not being used for her bed time, allowing me to essentially pump 7-8 oz a day now. I now see 2 fresh full bags in the fridge and I can take a breath. I no longer cringe if she doesn’t want to finish her bottle, thinking how the breast milk is wasted.

Update on pumping/ weaning: the above information was written about 2 weeks ago. Since then we have survived our first family vacation. Between stress, not pumping correctly, not drinking enough, my supply dropped even more. I decided to drop another pump session this week and I am officially on the slope to weaning down 100%. My new schedule for pumping is:

Breastfeed - 7 am

Pump - 6 pm (I no longer have to bring pumping bag to work YESSSSSSSSS)

Pump before bed.

I will phase out the bedtime one next week and basically breastfeed at 7 and  pump ~ 7 pm every day. I’ll only produce about 3 oz doing this but will supplement everything else she needs in formula.

I’m not sure what the rules are for nutrition after she turns 1 officially. I know they say you can start supplementing with cows milk instead of formula but I personally refuse to give abby cows milk just based on personal belief and research. So I’ve been researching other alternatives and haven’t come up with a decision yet. Based on preliminary research I have found that Pea milk (made by Ripple) seems to be a really good next in line milk with the necessary fats, protein, carbs and nutrients that kids need. I am hesitant about it because when I drink it it makes ME gassy, so I am afraid it will make Abby gassy. We’ve tried little bits so far and haven’t seen too many upsets so far.

As for solid foods, I feel like I am not feeding her enough. She seems content. But I find myself in a rut always going to serve what she likes and what’s easy to make. She loves grilled cheese like its her full time job, and she loves carbs/breads just as much as me. I’m trying to push the veggies but she seems to have lost interest in her solid veggies since introducing carbs (I wonder why lol). I try and counteract this by serving puréed veggies before offering solids. I follow some mommy toddler nutrition blogs and they are helping with some guidance !

I also started reading “Toddler 411” and I highly recommend! It really helps break down how to deal with what is about to come with entering toddlerhood.

Well, for those of you that stuck in here and read this whole post, thank you! I don’t write to satisfy anyone’s need for intense plot twists, I mostly just want to record my journey and hopefully, hopefully, help another momma out there that may find my journey helpful.

With love,

The new motherboard. 

The Summer Train

Tonight, my grandma came to visit my daughter and I from Heaven. And I have to get it all out paper before the experience leaves me.

Do you ever have memories that just stick with you forever, and ever? Not traumatic or exciting memories, nothing particular happens, but for some reason you will always just remember just being there, the sights, the smells, the sounds?

When I was a small child, I don’t remember quite how old, but I am guessing around 7-8 ish, I was on a trip with my mother to visit my grandma and grandpa in North Carolina. My grandparents had let my Mom and I have their master bedroom during our stay and so my Mom and I shared the bed. What I specifically remember vividly to this day is waking up the next morning. It was a summer morning, before dawn, and my mom was still sleeping. The bed was positioned in a way where the headboard was up against a wall where there were two windows just up above us. I laid there, looking around. The morning light was just barely starting to poke through the room, giving that glowy peaceful look that kind of bounced off the colors already in the room (carpet, walls) to make this sort of light green sense throughout the room. A breeze entered above us, just gracefully embracing our cheeks, just enough to enjoy curling up under those morning warm covers. The air smelled of that early morning summer smell, like dew and grass cuttings. It was absolutely silent outside besides what seemed like hundred morning birds talking to each other through the trees behind their house. But what really seals the memory together, is I heard a train in the nearby distance. For some reason, on top of all the other beautiful senses in that moment, hearing the sound of the train horn and on off in that early morning was just absolutely peaceful to me. I fell back asleep curled up in the covers listening to the birds and the train, feeling the breeze on my cheeks, smelling the morning dew, and for some reason, that memory has stayed with me forever. It has always been a memory of peace and one I will always think about in relation to my grandma who has passed away.

My grandma had passed away in 2011, and since then I have had moments where I knew she was near and watching over me. But she has many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren to watch over so I consider it a true blessing when she stops by to see us from Heaven.

Tonight, I went to put Abby to bed. I was nursing her in a rocking chair right next to an open window. We’ve been struggling trying to get Abbys nursery to an acceptable baby-safe temperature, so we have been trying to keep the windows open in the nursery when we know the weather will be stable overnight. So we sat there, with her in my arms, next to the open window. And the first thing I noticed, looking down at her nursing, is the green light. Our nursery curtains are a light green, teal almost. The dusk light after sunlight was fading fast but was just enough to shine through those curtains and create a green hazy glow around us. Looking at that green haze hit her beautiful blue eyes was something I want to remember the rest of my life. Then I noticed the breeze gracefully entering through the window, pushing the curtains slightly toward us occasionally hitting my arm. I also heard birds out the window chirping as they settled in for the night. It’s a beautiful summer night, mid-sixty degrees, and the air just smelled of a jar full of summer. And I thought, this seems a lot like that memory waking up at my grandmas. The light, the sounds, the smell, the feeling, the peace. The only addition was seeing my daughters wondrous bright blue eyes looking up at me as she nursed, and her fingers wrapping around my finger. And I speculated that maybe, just MAYBE this was my grandma coming in to say hello to let me know she was in the room and with Abby and I. But who ever really knows?

But then, I heard it. A train horn sounded at a nearby distance.

We have a train near our house but even though we have been here for 2 years, I have never noticed a specific pattern with when the train comes, although I’ve heard it before. It just seems to come randomly. But the sound of the train sounds to be the exact distance away as when I heard it many years ago on that early morning. That on and off sound of the train horn with the train hitting the tracks in between.

That was when I knew. My grandma was definitely here and saying hello to Abby and I, letting us know she was here and maybe might even stay the night. I said hello, I missed her, thank you for visiting and for giving me that experience, and I let Abby know her great grandma was here too.
Goodnight Abby, Goodnight Grandma in Heaven, Goodnight World.

Love, the new Motherboard. <3

Wait, Where's That Rule Book?

Well, the day has come, our little Abby is half a year old! That is nuts! Actually, today she is 7 months old. I have been meaning to write this blog for 4 weeks now, but life has been busy!

So I thought I would collect my thoughts on how the past 6 months have gone, record memories of what Abby is like now and any lessons learned! 

Abigail is at the 90th percentile in her height, measuring at 27.5 inches! We don’t know quite how she is so tall because I am short and her dad is average for a male height. Our pediatrician said she will likely grow to be taller than I am. Better get her signed up for basketball now! She is 17 lbs and 9 oz, which is about 70% percentile for weight. Our arms are definitely getting stronger! 

Her personality lights up any room and it is so inspiring to see her do new things and new traits every day. Seeing the biggest smile on her face when she sees me after a long day is the BEST THING in the entire world. She loves to cuddle and one of my favorite things in life right now is when she is tired, she falls asleep right on my shoulder or chest. She tries to fight it at first but I start rubbing her back and her eyes drift off and she plops her head right down and we snuggle. It is the best thing in the world. She can do this the rest of her life if she wants to, my shoulder will always be here. 

Abby Is SO smart. It impresses me daily. We have started doing some sign language with her. We started out with signs for milk, eat, more, all gone, play, change diaper, sleep, light, and now working in mommy and daddy. Within about a week she picked up milk and is signing milk to us when she’s drinking the milk! At times we have caught her signing milk when she’s not eating, but we aren’t quite sure if she’s actually hungry for the milk or just doing it. I don’t know if she’s quite made that connection yet. But just the fact that she signs milk while she’s drinking means she connects milk with the sign! Woot! 

She is just starting to fully sit up by herself now after weeks and months of flopping over. This is so cool as this now leads to some independent play which is cool to watch. She mostly just loves to bang things together or touch new textures. We turned our newly remodeled “dining room” (it was never really a dining room but that’s what the floor model states) into her playroom, complete with lots of toys and a puzzle play mat! So watching her sit up in the middle of it and play independently with her toys is so cool to see those brain connections forming! She has awesome dexterity (which kind of reminds me of a gorilla the way she grabs things). Crawling is a different story, she literally has zero interest in moving anywhere. We have tried enticing her with attractive things, demoing crawling, helping her into the position, but nope. The doctor said it’s a little early yet, so I am not too worried. I figure one day she will just surprise us all and just do it or she may skip crawling and go right to walking. She has great posture when she help her stand and does well standing on her own with minimal support, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we see those feet moving before crawling. The doctor was impressed on how well she’s sitting so I will take that! 

Music is one of her favorite things-albeit the new hit song “baby shark” seems to be her absolute favorite, which is hard to hear over and over. But she seems to love all music, from lullabies, to rock n’roll! It will most days, turn a frown into a laugh when she hears music. When it doesn’t, we know it’s a sign she needs to take a nap or eat. 

Solids! Ah, solid foods! I have no idea what I am doing, Sorry Abby! We are starting her on puréed foods and so far she LOVES them. I have no idea how much to give or how often but were kinda winging it and it seems to be going okay. I am trying to stick to mostly veggies and some of the sweeter veggies at this point to try and foster an early love for veggie taste before we allow straight up bananas. (I’ve tasted banana baby food and it’s GOOD so I wouldn’t want veggies again after eating that either!) But then there is all this talk of “baby led weaning” but I have no idea how to do that so for now we are kinda just winging it day by day. Just last night she showed an interest in taking the spoon by herself so we shall see! 

Six months is truly an emotional conundrum! I see her turning into this beautiful, smart child and we cannot wait to experience new things with her, show her places, take her to interesting and new experiences, have conversations with her, but at the same time I want to freeze in time the baby ages too! I will miss her falling asleep on my shoulder. I will miss breastfeeding deeply. I will miss her tiny hands! This is the first time I have wanted time to speed up but also stay still at the same time! #parenting lol

Having a child brings on so many more emotions than you ever thought possible. Before being a mom to a human, I was a mommy to fur-babies. When I saw an animal being hurt or getting lost in a TV show, movie or heard about it in real life, my heart literally broke because I imagined those horrible things happening to my fur-babies. When I saw or heard about horrible things happening to children, of course it was terrible and heartbreaking but I couldn’t truly connect with those emotions yet before being a mom to a human. Now, I hear these stories of kidnapping, or children dying in tragedies or illnesses and it literally breaks my heart into a million pieces, imagining those same things happening to Abigail. The best thing I can do is hug her extra tight in those moments of anxiety, take the best care of her that I can, teach her good values and morals her whole life, teach her about danger and staying away, and always love her. I have to tell myself that every day to keep the anxiety at bay. If other new moms reading this can take anything away from this, I hope they know that post partum anxiety is REAL and it’s SCARY! But it’s OKAY and none of us are alone in it. It’s normal to imagine the worst possible scenarios happening to your child. It’s normal to have anxiety worrying about the future. I told my post partum therapist that I literally felt like I had the devil and the angel sitting on opposite sides of my shoulders. The devil is feeding all of this anxiety while the angel is grounding me and being realistic and telling me to focus on right now, focus on the present, focus on what is real. Right now, she’s with you. Right now, she is not sick. Right now, she is not hurt. Right now, she is happy. Right now, she is okay. Focus on that. Focus on right now. Focus on today. Focus on tomorrow, tomorrow. It’s a mantra! 

As for mommy life, life is busy! I have started my masters program in predictive analytics. I won't bore you with the details because everyone's eyes start to drift off to sleep when I try and talk about it, but it truly makes me SO.HAPPY. The hardest part is one day each week I can't put Abby to bed, but I have to remind myself it's for our future as a family. 

If anyone is curious about Abbys schedule for modeling it for their own use, here goes! But keep in mind, every baby is different, every mommy is different ! What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. And most of all, there are no wrong answers!

Weekday:
Baby:
Wake up- 6:40 AM

Breastfeeds-7AM

Bottle 9AM (5oz)

Nap 9-11:30 (this varies)

 Plays 

Solid foods ~ 12 

Bottle 1:30 (5oz)

Nap 2-3:30

Bottle (or breastfeeds depending on mommy schedule) ~ 5pm (5oz)

Solids 6,6:30 ish

30 minute nap 6:30-7

Breastfeeds 8pm

Bed, sleeps 8:30-6:45 (usually)

Mommy: 
Breastfeeds 7AM
Pumps 10:30 (4-5oz)
Pumps 2:30 (4-5oz)
Breastfeeds OR bottle at 5 
Breastfeeds 8PM
pumps ~2-4 oz 10PM

I'd be happy to answer any questions or offer any advice! 

Love, the new Motherboard

Matrescence: A New Stage of Life

Hello everyone!

We are doing pretty great here. Little Abby is still growing like a champ and is 5 months old! It is fascinating watching her learn new skills and seeing progression and connections in her brain. Something she can't do one week, she might be able to do the next week. Her personality thus far is pretty calm and observant. She likes to play but also just enjoys watching every thing and every one. When she sits at a dinner table with me and lots of others, she doesn't want to be towards me on my shoulder, she wants to see everyone and be in the know of what's going on. I foresee her going on to be a very curious and observant child, similar to her parents!


Do you know what I find curious? The fact that when I write "Matrescence" it shows up with that ugly red line under it, indicating it's not a word. That's the problem. It needs to be a word. It needs to be a word just as much as "adolescence" is a word, or "adult". What is it? Dr. Alexander Sacks coined the term, meaning the stage in which a woman is transitioning to being a new mother. A woman goes through a lot of new, scary, different physiological and psychological feelings during this time that often times she is not prepared for. Everyone knows about "adolescence", the transition between childhood and adulthood, where emotions are all over the place, the body is changing uncontrollably, we act on impulses, our brain isn't quite working at capacity, and plenty is done to anticipate and treat these feelings to guide humans through this period. It's not a coincidence that she coined the term "Matrescence" to sound a lot like adolescence, because women are going through a lot of the same symptoms as developing teenagers! And yet no one warns us or guides us through this period.

Many people, including myself, are not aware of what the female body truly goes through after birth. Sure, there are plenty of resources to help us through the pregnancy, most females go see their OB at least once a month if not more when they are pregnant. Towards the end of pregnancy, a woman might be seeing her OB every one or two weeks even. Then when you get discharged from the hospital, boom- all these questions on your newly torn apart body and typically a woman doesn't see her doctor for six weeks. That was was first took me by surprise, I really don't see a doctor again for six weeks?? These six weeks start the woman's period of adjusting to not only caring for her new and changed body, but also a tiny human that depends not only on her love and care, but usually 100% nutrition as well. I had/still have a lot of questions!

Pregnant woman nowadays get bombarded with lots and lots of information about "Post Partum Depression (PPD)", so much so that I think most women can at least name three common symptoms of PPD and what to watch out for. But what if you don't have any of those symptoms, but something still doesn't feel right? THAT right there is Matresence! Because WHAT is "right"? Nothing! Our hormones are EVERYWHERE! Literally to this day, I will one moment feel overwhelming joy over something so incredibly stupid, and then within that same hour feel very sad for no reason. Something doesn't feel right because we are learning to navigate all of these new emotions, we are learning how to care 100% for another human, we are trying to learn what level of anxiety reaches past "new mom" and bleeds into "crazy". Life will never be the same, and new moms need time to mourn that. We love our babies more than words can possibly say, but it's still normal to need to mourn the life you had. And I think that right there is what women are afraid to do, afraid to admit that, to say it out loud. They are afraid of coming across as unappreciative of the brand new baby they are blessed with, and that is simply not true!  Sure, I can admit I miss being able to just "go to the movies" with my husband without having to get an available babysitter. I miss being able to plan a vacation without worrying/wondering/taking into account everything we will need to bring and do with the baby. I miss lots of things we used to have. But you know what? I can't imagine life any differently. I know that sounds cheesy, and thats fine. But even as much as I mourn our old life at times, I wouldn't trade our new lives for anything. I've often thought, even if someone offered to take her for a weekend and we had a getaway, I still wouldn't enjoy it because I would miss my baby so much. I miss our old life but I don't want it back, ever. This is life now and although it brings new challenges every second of every day, it is amazing every second of every day. And I know I'm not the only mom to feel all this, and that is confusing to process through that for many women. It’s okay to mourn your old life and still love your new one, even if your new one is very confusing. New moms feel the pressure to post on social media how WONDERFUL this new time is and how GREAT everything is and how things are simply amazing, when we all know that is only a small percent of how life actually is as a new mom.  It is okay to tell someone your real feelings. I do, highly suggest, if you have the means to- to enjoy date nights. There is no shame in leaving your baby with a responsible sitter (babies grandparents, aunts/uncles, close friends) so that you and your spouse can go out to eat without worrying about the baby crying in the restaurant. Go see a movie. Go for a massage. Sure, you'll miss your baby and you'll probably text the sitter to see how they're doing every 10 minutes, but you'll still enjoy that time for just you. I also highly recommend either making sure you find time to do the hobbies you used to love, or find a new one and forcing yourself to commit to doing that hobby a few times a week. Hell, even if its just once a week. Give yourself that time. Hubby got me the most amazing gift for Christmas, a ping pong table- Which has allowed me to take 30 minutes a night to play with him after baby goes to bed. I get some exercise, we laugh our butts off, and I get my mind off everything that’s weighing on me.

I would say that for me, the hardest emotional part about Matrescence has been the anxiety. Anxiety about everything. Anxiety about whether or not I'm a good mom. Am I doing everything right? Is she sleeping okay? Is she eating enough? Am I setting her up for dependence? Am I spoiling her? Am I giving her enough attention? Am I calling the pediatrician too much? Am I calling the pediatrician enough?? I worry about infancy and toddlerhood. I worry if I have what it takes to handle a toddler. I worry about the future grocery store meltdowns, even though I KNOW thats a few years away yet.  I find myself with a lot of anxiety overnight worrying about SIDS, worrying if she's too cold, if she's hungry. Just because of the way our set up is, my spouse and I sleep with the baby monitor on my side. So I feel extra responsible to make sure I sleep with one ear open and check on the video monitor if I hear anything. A few weeks ago, I found myself staring at the clock on our ceiling at somewhere near 2 AM, waiting, yearning, for the night to be over just so it would be day time and I would know that she's okay. I also caught myself frequently staring, literally staring at the monitor trying to pick up if she was breathing. It was then I knew I had to readjust my thinking. I've since then, and I have to try at this every day, all day, but to readjust my thinking to trust in God that she is OKAY. Matrescence also gives us something awesome- motherly instinct. I just have to trust in it. I have to believe that she's okay and stop worrying about what if I am wrong? I need to sleep at night and believe she's okay and sleeping too. She.Is.Okay.  When I find myself worrying nonstop about the future (I've even worried about her teenager years already, I know, its bad), I have to constantly remind myself to focus on today. Focus on right now. Do you have the most amazing baby now? Yes. Will this baby be extremely different tomorrow? Highly unlikely. We take it day by day and that is ALL we can do to survive. I have to remind myself that I will not be "handed" a toddler that is all of the sudden screaming on the floor of a grocery store. That toddler will be my child, the girl I know inside and out right now, and we will take it day by day. I have to believe that I will move past moments like that which scare me about the future.

Five months out, I am still discovering new physical symptoms of Matrescence. How about the hair loss?? WHOA. Everyone tells you your hair will grow faster during pregnancy and become more voluminous, but they usually forget to warn you that it.will.all.fall.out! Seriously, I am wondering how I will have any strands of hair left whenever it feels like it is done with this stage! Granted, in perspective, it's probably just returning to my normal pre-pregnancy head of hair, but when you pull locks of hair off your head just from combing your hands through your hair in the shower, you feel alarmed.

Oh, and frankly, I don't think it matters if you've done 1 "Kegel" in your pregnancy or 100 Kegels a day, you're gonna pee when you sneeze now. Guess that's a new thing we get to do.

No one talks about the weight adjustment. Sure, the online forums discuss it, amongst thousands of other brand new mothers, also going through Matrescence. Doctors encourage breastfeeding as one of the perks being "the weight will fall off". Granted that's not the exclusive reason I chose to breastfeed, but it certainly was an attractive perk! I believed it too, watching the weight indeed "fall off" for the first two weeks postpartum. And then.....nothing. Literally have been toggling between 3 +/- pounds since then. I joined weight watchers (now known as WW) because although lots and lots of people say "give it time", "let your body adjust", I just got really tired of feeling not like myself in my own skin. I've lost 4 more pounds so far on WW but it has been HARD and a trial and error process, trying to eat "enough" to keep up the breastmilk supply but also don't eat too much so that you lose weight. The first week I lost 3 pounds but I didn't use any of my "extra" points, I stuck to my allotted daily points. But my breastmilk supply tanked. This week I am using those extras, and my supply is doing better, but I haven't lost more than 1 pound. So, it's a process. The only thing I am happy I can take away from WW is learning to make better choices to replace some junk I was eating and I certainly FEEL better, which is what really counts, not the scale number. I know that. I can run up flights of stairs without needing a few minutes to catch my breath. I enjoy seeking out exercise opportunities so I can track my "fit-points".

No one warns you how hard it is to pump at work, to work every day to make sure your supply is up and healthy. No one warns you about the anxiety, the gut wrenching feeling when you only pump a few ounces in a sitting vs your usual. I, in addition to what I hope is millions of other new moms, thought that breastfeeding and pumping was straightforward- you just get milk out and feed your baby. WHO KNEW that your supply can decrease and increase based on what you eat and drink? I know this seems absurd, truly, but if we were existing in a post-apocalyptic world, I used to think- hey, at least I can always feed my baby through breastfeeding! But no. I never knew that in order to do that, I'd have to steal everyone's food and water to make sure I can feed my baby!


Well, my time limit is up to blog during her nap time. My main goals in writing this post is to get the word out about Matrescence (get more google hits on it!), and to show any other new moms that what they are going through emotionally and physically is OKAY. It may not be what everyone else is going through exactly, as we all have very different lives, situations, spouses, and babies, but just know that we are all in this together. Use each other and talk it out, with anyone. Oh, and stay off the internet, its terrifying and has greatly contributed to my new mom anxiety.

I am now going to get little one up, and enjoy Sunday night football by our fireplace with my spouse and Abby! It's the little moments like those to keep you going through the scary ones! Hold on to that! <3


Love, the New Motherboard


If you are interested in more resources about Matrescence, check these out:

Alexandra Sacks, M.D.

Matrescence- What Is It?

Why we need the word Matrescence

SomeSuchStories

One Journey Ends, Another Begins...

Hello! 

Well, my journey as a stay at home mommy on maternity leave has sadly come to a close. My first week back to work has been very interesting in many ways and I hope other new moms or any mom reading this can relate. 

I prepped for my first day back mentally about 2 weeks and physically for about a week. I pretty much emotionally prepped by working through the five stages of grief: 

Denial - I don’t really I have to go back . I can do something else. We can start up a lemonade stand. We can do anything else. We can live off husbands income! I’m never going back! 

Anger - I can’t believe I actually have to go back. Lemonade stand fell through and we can’t live off husbands income. I’m so mad I have to go back this is awful. The United States is awful, we are one of the only countries without guaranteed maternity leave and if that only get up to 12 weeks!! Sweden gets a YEAR!

Bargaining - what if I go back part time? Part time income, part time with little one? Can we afford if I stay out another month but still go back later? Let’s move to Sweden. We can move to Sweden, right? 

Depression- we can’t afford to do anything besides me going back full time and this makes me so sad to leave my little one and I want to cry. 

Acceptance - I’m going to make the best of it, be a better person and learn new things. Little one is in good hands. Plus, 8 hours without throw up on my shirt 5 days a week, yay! 

Prepping things, coming up with a plan, getting in the right state of mind, figuring out my pumping plan... my first day I literally remembered everything and felt like a rockstar, except forgot my work ID which is quite possibly the most important thing. Nothing like a first day back to work without turning back to go home to get something, right?? By the time I made it back to the office I had spilled water and coffee on my seat, but was still determined to try and have a good day. I swear I looked like I was about to board an airplane with as many bags I was carrying more so than just working 8 hours. The amount of things I have to carry to work 8 hours: 

• pumping bag (pump, pump supplies, pump charger, a spare shirt and bra, Motrin, tums, pads, my wallet and other misc items 
• My work bag (laptop, notebook, pens, misc items) 
• My lunch bag 
• Either I hold my water yeti and coffee or put them in their own bag too. 
• Anything else I need that day (ie bringing supplies to my new desk 

It’s pretty insane. 

It’s a whole new experience now working. Every day requires so much more planning than the regular just going to work and back. Now we plan how we attack the middle of the night baby wake ups, we plan to a science how early we get up to get our little ready and fed, and ourselves ready and fed. (By the way, FIRST lesson learned: don’t put a nice work shirt on til after you and baby depart!!! Work shirt down on day one within 15 minutes of it being on, lol). Then within the work day itself I can’t just focus on my job as I have to carefully navigate to an exact science when I should pump. Then pumping is this entire production. On day one I tried pumping three times to match my babies three feedings per day, til I got home and realized I literally had nothing left. Since then I’m now pumping early in the am when she feeds on one breast I pump the other, which gets me the first bottle and I only have to pump two more that day. 

Then coming home, we now have to plan who is getting her and when, what else do we have to do that night, until finally it’s time to go to bed and we are all exhausted. All of the sudden, as I tried scheduling a hair appointment after work for the week, I realized I felt trapped like I couldn’t go anywhere on weeknights alone without baby. Part of me felt guilty for wanting to since I had just been away from baby all day and the other part of me doesn’t want her having any more bottles than she has to when I could feed her from the breast as much as I possibly can. But in order to survive I know I will have to leave on some nights, even if it’s just those random mommy trips to target. 

I asked my friend Tuesday if I am a bad mommy for coming home after my first day and thinking , was this all a mistake? Can I really do this? Who was I to think we could grow our family and work full time? How do millions of parents do this??? This is downright exhausting. I felt like I put my entire self and soul into surviving day one and then realized I had to do 4 more. And then all again the week after that. And the week after that, until forever. But... I persevered and took each day one at a time (sometimes each hour at s time) until it was friday. But let me tell you, it still felt like each day was an eternity and the week took a year to complete. I hope it gets better but I know many moms that will say it won’t! I remember asking my friend something indicating I thought it was Friday, and she corrected me saying today was Thursday and I was confused for a good 10 seconds, and thought out loud, “oh my god it’s still Thursday??” It’s been weird. 

What I can say though is coming home to my little one and her unbelievable eyes and her smile and laugh makes it ALL worth it. I have to remind myself that me doing it all is all for her now, every minute of it is for her well being. But I miss her every day so much. I am very lucky to be blessed enough that her nana is caring for her so I can work rest assured that she is in good hands all day, so that helps this process immensely. 

What also helps is my incredible husband. Without his help I don’t think I would be able to think straight or stay sane. He has been so supportive of all my emotional fears as I prepped for work, a great ear for all my venting, has been so helpful with little one as we get ready in the mornings. Seeing them together is my entire world all in one, and makes me smile so much. 

It also helps very much that my work friends have been so supportive during this transition, much more than I ever expected. From decorating my work desk for me to lots of friends IMing me or coming to say hi and that they are glad I’m back makes it all so much more bearable. 

I do love what I do and that helps. I have a lot of dreams and coming back to work now I feel fresh with a blank slate and am determined to take real concrete steps now to better myself to move forward in what I want in my career, not just stay horizontal. I’m going to make changes in what I want to get my graduate degree in so that I can reach that ultimate dream. Life is too short to not do what you are truly passionate about. I want to teach my daughter that we need to work hard to achieve a life we want and anything is within reach if you reach high enough. Ugh, I sound like an 8th grade poster. Sorry. But seriously. 

I also realized this week that I want to write a children’s book (on the side) so I will be working on that. I eventually want my daughter to help in writing that book(s)  with me. If it’s successful, great. If we just get it printed and we are proud of it and it sells one copy to ourselves, that’s great too because we did it and it’s for us. 

These past two weeks As I have emotionally prepped for work I have really noticed something else new in me. When I’m in a moment where things are just really good, like really good in that moment, I work really hard to store everything about that moment in my memory. The smells, the sounds, the air, the feels, everything. Being amongst so much emotional turmoil in this transition has taught me to recognize those moments and how fleeting and rare they are and to appreciate them to their fullest because we don’t know when the next one could come.  

Well, time to start prepping for week number 2. Here goes!

Thank you for reading, 

The New Motherboard

Newly Off-Duty Boobs at Target

Hello!! We have survived month 2! She is so young yet, but at the same time I can't believe how old she feels already! I feel like I can already see her personality coming through, she's full of wonder, laughter, still LOVES music, and definitely knows how to tell us what she wants. In loud voices! My favorite part is her facial expressions she does with her eyes/eyebrows when she's thinking, and her new social smiles. She mostly smiles when she sees our faces up close, if we make funny faces, or....if she sees my boobs. No joke, her seeing my boobs without a top is equivalent to my husband finally seeing his favorite Oktoberfest beer on tap in the fall. All smiles. Its kind of adorable.

Not sure what is in my milk however because she is growing like a weed! At 6 weeks she was the size of a 3 month old, weighing in at 11 pounds 2 oz, and 23 inches! At this moment she's almost outgrowing 3 month pants! I don't know how she's so tall, as my husband is average and I am most definitely in the short category, but who knows! I stopped growing in 8th grade so hopefully she has a better shot at growth than I did. Her motor development skills are on pointe, as she is turning from tummy to back and is picking her head up almost the full 90 degrees. It's so amazing to see each day new things she can do. She is learning language as she explores her voice and all the sounds she can make. She loves to have conversations with us, even though her end of it is mostly just vowels :-)

Breastfeeding is still going extremely well and is my favorite thing to do with her so far, it is such an incredible bonding experience I couldn't trade for the world. Even on those days like yesterday, when I was already short on time, got all set up on the couch, baby on boob, but then realized I forgot a vital piece of my manual pump for the other boob and said boob was already started to spew milk everywhere, so here I un-recline the couch, keep baby on boob, carry the boppy and baby into the kitchen and grabbed the pump piece, made it back to the couch and baby managed to keep sucking the whole time! If someone had come in my door at that time it would surely have been a sight to see.   Also, my "let-down" is so strong still that one of these days baby is going to take out her own nerf gun and fill it with milk and squirt it in MY eye. The poor thing may have more milk accidentally squirted up her nose or eye than most babies should.... oops!

I never truly knew how much information, knowledge and work it takes to breast feed. Naive pre-baby me thought it was as simple as latching the baby on when they needed to eat. And it is. Except then you have to constantly think about your supply and make sure you're eating and drinking enough. Like drinking water all day. You have to time your coffee intake to an exact science to get it as far away from her next feeding/pumping as possible. Then there is pumping! Milk storage! Bottles! A book I'm reading about breastfeeding pinned it on the tail when she stated that breast feeding IS as easy for women that can stay home with the baby as a stay at home mom and practically never, ever leave the house and remain with baby all the time. But for women who will be returning back to work or enjoy leaving the house at times without baby, breastfeeding is a lot more involved. But I still wouldn't trade it for the world. I guarantee you if someone offered to pay me 1 million dollars to stop breastfeeding right now, I wouldn't. Sorry hubby :-p Some of the products I have seen to market to breastfeeding women have been HILARIOUS. I got an ad for a "hands free breast-pump", which at first I was like, oh cool- so you can do things without holding it there or pumping it yourself. But then the (perfect) woman in the picture ad has these ginormous pumps (uncomfortably it looks) attached to her (perfect) boobs, and what is she doing with her newly freed hands? She's cutting up VEGETABLES. Because yeah, that's the FIRST thing I would want to do if I suddenly could pump without hands for $500. Veggies. They need to think of new marketing for that one.

She can officially take bottles now with pumped breast milk and that has been such a relief. As much as I LOVE the breastfeeding experience, having the newly found freedom to know I can go places without worrying about a screaming, starving newborn at home is such a relief. Last week, hubby got home from work and I declared I needed a trip to target. I had been thinking about this trip not only all day, but pretty much that entire week. I even clipped out coupons I thought about it that much. So I left baby with daddy and a bottle, and me and my newly off-duty boobs HAPPILY skipped to target. Let me tell you, it was GLORIOUS. I walked up and down those aisles so slowly, examining every product, just soaking it all in. Don't get me wrong, I love going places with baby, but like I said in my last post- it's truly an expedition. I truly enjoyed the break of being able to park the car and go directly into the store without the car seat and wondering if she was going to have a meltdown in the middle of the store. And I know its only just begun! Mommy trips to target will definitely be in store for much of my future.

There have been many other lessons learned this month and new products I love. My personality has always had this logic side to me where if something isn't working multiple times in a row, even if its not working by just a little, I think to myself, what can we do next time to make this better? How can we think outside the box here? And I try something new next time. Sometimes it fails miserably, sometimes it improves our process by so much. Trial and error is what it is all about! This skill has helped me immensely in all aspects of my life and in my career. I strongly suggest to new parents not to put up with a process that is stupid or isn't working for you. Think of what you can do to make it better, even if its a crazy idea. It could work!

Two products I know I may not be able to live without this month are the Wubanub and the baby shusher. The Wubanub is a unique pacifier that has a tiny stuffed animal attached to it. Baby wouldn't take other pacifiers until this one. Don't ask me, it makes no sense because its literally the same pacifier (the plastic itself) as the others we have, but she loves it with the animal. I always feel like a cruel human when its time to clean them and I hold the animal over a boiling pot of water and dip in the plastic pacifier. I find myself making a voice for the animal like No, not me, noo! ....... Yes, its sad what happens when you stay at home all day with your baby with no adult human conversation....I fully admit it. This has happened and other sad conversations.

My other favorite product is the "baby shusher". Its literally no bigger than the size of a potato and it goes in the babies crib. It plays the sound of someone saying "shhhhh" over and over again. You can set it to play for 15 minutes or 30. We play it for 30. At first I saw it advertised and I was skeptical. But I figured, theres no assembly required and if baby doesn't like it we can return it. We gave it a good 2-3 nights and by the 3rd night this thing is magic. Some nights its longer than others, but usually within 10 minutes of the "Shhh" sound, she is out like a light. Frankly, I actually find it soothing too as she sleeps in the bassinet on my side. Is that weird?

Other laughable product moments include the time I bought a "boogie bulb" on amazon. The one they give you at the hospital is GREAT, but frankly we are lazy people and it was always upstairs when we were downstairs or vice versa. So we ordered another for boogie sucking. About a week later, the amazon distributor sends me an email asking for me to review their product. Me in my half awake state over my bowl of cereal started imagining the review I would write, "this boogie bulb man...it does EXACTLY what it is supposed to do. It sucks. No literally, it sucks! It sucks those boogies out SO WELL I just sit there in pure awe when I'm done. How can a tiny piece of blue plastic ever have competed so well with the one I got from the hospital? This one, my friend! This boogie bulb!"
...... But seriously, what the heck do they expect when they send these emails? Obviously new parents are buying them. New, exhausted, short tempered parents who aren't going to take the time to review A BOOGIE SUCKER. I mean C'MON.


Speaking of products, baby clothes. Let's talk about that. Completely adorable. But due to the fact that my child is growing faster than the twilight half vampire baby, we have outgrown the size she needs for the temperature/season we are rapidly coming into. We realized we didn't have enough warm items. So off to clothing shop we go and I quickly realized that the number on the tag means nothing. Baby clothes come in the following sizes:

• No way
• This would have worked a month ago
• This is cute but isn't the right season for it
• This says it will fit but my kid is definitely too big for that
• This will fit now but only for the next week
• This will fit her chest but not length wise
• This will fit her length wise but not in the chest 
• This says it will fit in what should be 6 months from now but will fit today
• Size who the hell knows I'm done with this store just buy it and she'll fit into it eventually

Seriously though. Gerbers, Carters, and all the other small clothing companies need to get together and get on the same measuring system. One companies size 3m is anothers 6m! Its ridiculous. 

Overall, all joking aside, these first two months of her life have truly been magical. If you can't laugh at the situation or yourself as you struggle through these experiences then you will indeed go crazy. Don't try and be the perfect parent. We can only truly succeed when we make mistakes (a lot of them) and see what we did wrong and learn from it. Otherwise we are just dumb ignorant parents.

One nice thing that I will leave you with is a new phenomenon I have noticed since her birth. I consider myself a fairly spiritual person and believe that there are forces at play on this earth beyond our control. Something unique about myself is that for most of my life that I can remember, whenever I am about to pass underneath a street lamp, I see them turn off all the time. Not every single one of course, but it happens more times than likely to happen to call it a coincidence. I always just brushed it off and thought it was cool. Well, since her birth, when I'm driving now, I see dead street lamps ahead and right as we are about to go under, the lamp turns on! And again, I've noticed this more times than likely for a coincidence. I consider this to be one of two things (or both): it is one of her deceased ancestors saying hello and they are watching over us, or that  my energy that used to turn off the lamps has now changed since the birth and symbolically, her birth has lit a new light inside of myself..... Call me crazy but it's what I believe.


With that  I leave you, thank you so much for reading. I hope mommies and daddies out there found something useful, even if its just knowing you aren't alone. We are all going through it!

Love, the New Motherboard <3

The Adventures of Week One

Wow! Holy cow. Baby Abby is 9 days old and today marks one week since she has been home with us! That is insane. It's crazy to think she's only 9 days old but already it feels like I have known her forever. It's surreal at this point knowing less than two weeks ago she was still inside of me. Happy to report that we saw the pediatrician on Wednesday and she is growing right on par and she has surpassed her birth weight!That means we can let her sleep longer and go longer in between feedings! Good for us...not good for boobs lol.

Surviving week one has been interesting to say the least! I have a lot to share! Please know that these are just my findings with my own baby and that anything I say is not scientifically proven or researched, just my experiences! Also, I am not getting paid by any company to say I like their product.

The first thing I have come to realize is that parenting is a lot like starting a new job. I've had approximately 10 different roles/jobs throughout my years on earth and each one of them seemed like an impossible feat at the time. Even back to my days working at Shoprite(grocery), I remember being promoted to a cashier and learning the register and thinking that was going to be impossible. Soon enough it became something I loved to do! Looking back now, it's one of the easiest jobs I've ever had! But my point is, when you start a new job, everything is scary. Literally nothing makes sense and every little thing you need to learn or gain access to or figure out, and you have no idea who you can even ask for help. But slowly, little by little, at the end of each day at that job, you learned something new. You made lots of mistakes but now you know how you can avoid those mistakes again. Slowly things start making sense and you know more than you knew yesterday. Sure new challenges will come up but that's growth!! So to me, that's how parenting feels. Day one neither of us knew anything, it was like walking on thin ice around here- afraid to do anything wrong. And then little by little, trial and error, we figure things out. We know what not to do the next day. Sure there are set backs but we learn from them!

Here are some of the quick lessons we figured out that I'd like to share with any other new parents!

1) The Boppy? What. The. Heck. Is the point! We are exclusively breastfeeding and I have given the boppy MANY chances and have yet to find it helpful. I'm talking about the half-circle donut that is supposed to wrap around your stomach to aid in positioning the baby. It doesn't. Maybe I just have a weird shape but it doesn't work. Perhaps it may aid in bottle feeding, but for breast feeding, not for me! I always end up having to lift her up more from the boppy thus making it pointless for it to be there, and my arms are just as tired all the same! Literally the first few nights I would rest her head on a stack of diapers I could reach at arms length! In retrospect, lately I have also learned (see these small lessons?) that Boppy also makes a wedge product that works a lot better if I just rest the wedge on top of a blanket. Its a wedge I used throughout the pregnancy to rest my belly on as I slept so I wouldn't feel the weight of my belly dragging downward.

2) Have a burp cloth in as many reachable spots in your household possible. I mean it. I have used many other things (including my shirt) as stand in burp cloths because I forgot to bring one with me and there I am topless and she's on me and spitting up and no other options! My poor husband has fetched me so many cloths when we had moments in need!  Even though I have learned this lesson many times, I am still working on making this a reality, because burp cloths travel!!! I have about 3-4 favorite spots that I like to breastfeed and theres always something missing when I sit down to feed. It's a learning curve getting the hang of making sure I have everything before I breastfeed.

3) Speaking of breastfeeding, I have learned that you need at LEAST four hands to breastfeed correctly, especially in the beginning as you learn! One hand needs to be holding her. One hand needs to be available for grabbing things. One hand needs to be batting away her hands away from her mouth. And one hand needs to be making the "cheeseburger" effect with the boob so she can latch on correctly! It's quite the feat! Oh and maybe another hand in there to wipe excess milk off her face.

4) Sadly, so so so so sadly, we have learned that most baby products are positively useless. They market all of this crazy technology and we fell for a lot of it, buying the high tech swing that plays music, the bouncer that can play music and vibrate, the pack and play that can play music and other things I haven't even investigated, the bassinet that can do music and move the mobile, and it's honestly all just not needed. We literally haven't even put batteries in any of it yet. We still may, you never know, but babies really just need a place to sleep, a place to nap, a changing table, diapers, changing supplies, and food! Okay maybe a little more than that, but it's really all just basics. Plus a lot of the stuff they market to parents ends up not even being SAFE for children which is really terrifying (any product meant for the car or car seat, sleep products, etc). I must say though that the one piece of "high tech baby" equipment we all love so far is her swing. We haven't used it to its full extent yet, but it does plug in and it swings her for as long as we want, and she seems to love it. It's been a god send for some day time naps!

5) Buttons. Buttons on baby clothes should be outlawed. AGAINST THE LAW. WHAT is even the POINT. Like WHO DOES THAT. And they disguise these dreaded devil buttons on the CUTEST clothes and laugh at the profit they're making while parents are crying at 3 am doing 18 buttons for the 10th time in a row!! It's truly unreal. They make the BEST sleeper sacks that have ZIPPERS. I want to buy whoever had that brilliant idea a nice drink, as I'm sure most parents would. You still can't avoid all buttons usually, as onesies have buttons as do many day time clothes, but not having to button and rebutton overnight is truly the best. Team zipper alllllllll the way.

6) Socks. Oh, Socks. I had such high hopes. They are so cute, but we learned pretty quickly that there is no point in trying to make sure they stay together as matches. It seems like they haven't invented a sock that stays on a baby yet, so we find socks down all over the place. We call a "sock down" alert! And also, they make all these insane sock/slippers that are truly adorable but utterly pointless. You really just need solid color (small) snug socks that you won't be upset if you lose one. Or many. As I write this, she's sitting next to me, literally just sitting in a bouncer and has somehow lost a sock.

7) Don't spend too much energy picking the cutest outfit out for your little one because within a minute after putting them in, (buttons and all!), there could be a code spit up, code brown, code milk spill, or code yellow.... And other times we last a whole day with no codes! Its just a gamble and theres no use in getting attached to the cutest outfits! Take pictures of them in the outfit while you can if you love it that much!

8) Keep the old diaper under her til the very last minute and have your next one ready to go!!! We have already had quite a few oopsies with poop and pee on the changing mat! Still learning!

9) Pants. For some reason no one thinks to get pants for parents as gifts! Probably because they aren't cute, but man are they needed. A lot of times they come as outfits, but we have all these onesies and literally one pair  of pants to put over them. So first trip out to target already to buy baby pants lol. It's these random things no one tells you!

So those are the quick lessons we learned in week one.

As for bigger lessons, well we are still learning those as will we be for the rest of our lives. Like breastfeeding, sleeping schedules, etc.

As for breastfeeding, I truly love it. I never thought I would say those words however prior to birth or even the first three days of breast feeding. Prior to birth I had a lot of anxiety about it if I could do it or not. Then the first three days was literally torture. She wasn't latching on the best she could and my one side especially felt like daggers for 5 straight minutes as she fed. I am not lying when I said I had to do some lamaze breathing during feedings to get through the pain. But, magically, like literally in the blink of an eye, it became bearable about day 4. Of course within the first three days I panicked and bought like 5 breastfeeding products on amazon to help with the pain and by the time they arrived I haven't opened a single one. It transitioned from being torture, to being bearable, to being something I truly love to do! But if you are considering it or are unsure, here are my personal pros and cons of breastfeeding:

Con:
- As a mom you are literally tied to her 24/7.  They strongly advise not pumping and offering a bottle for at least a month so she gets used to nipple first. This means no escape trips out. This means daddy can't bond with her and feed her (yet). This means that I have to assist in every single time she is awake during the night and can't sleep through any. I literally can't leave her presence this first month in fear that she would need food and I can't be there for her. So that can be exhausting, indeed.
- Like I said, at first, it HURTS. But I took the pain as one for the team and knew that each pain was hopefully one step closer to success.
- There are rules that are hard to predict, the one that plagues me is coffee! I really don't drink a lot. During the pregnancy I had 12 oz a day, which is what the doctor allowed. Now that I am breastfeeding I have heard lots of different recommendations, but most say to wait at least an hour after consuming the caffeine to breastfeed. Its been really, really hard predicting when I will see a 60-90 minute break in feeding. Sometimes she goes 3.5 hours without eating and sometimes its 30-45 minutes. And two days in a row now I got it wrong and I had to watch her cry as we waited the last 15-30 minutes til I felt okay feeding her again. I know I think I am overthinking it, but still I just want to do right by her.
- The farts. Oh man....The farts. They come out of her like liquid gold. Truly. Its quiet and then all of the sudden we hear the loudest "shart" you have ever heard. We take turns on who has to get those diapers....lol.

And those are the only cons I have!

Pros:
- Although I said being the only one that can feed her is a con, its ALSO a Pro. With all of our visitors and everyone that loves her and wants to spend time with her, I would be lying if I said that my heart didn't do a little happy dance when she gets hungry and I can go to a separate room and just have mommy/daughter time as I feed her. For now, until we introduce the bottle, it's something only her and I share. Although it's exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for the entire world.
- I know exactly what my daughter is ingesting and don't have to worry which formula is best.
-Cheaper, obviously.
- A never ending supply on hand! No late night trips to target to get more!
- Don't have to figure out/deal with warming bottles at 3 am, just pop out the boob and ready to go!
- They say the longer you breastfeed, the higher IQ the child has and the less chance I have of getting breast cancer and ovarian cancer.
- Higher immunity for baby for life! Can't beat that!
- Mommy weight loss!! Yay! In 9 days I am 17 pounds down, nearly half of my baby weight gain. I haven't exercised one bit, not even my usual walks (at first was too sore then the northeast got a killer heat wave), and have eaten pretty much whatever I want. This rocks!


Honestly I love it. And I have been blessed by the boob gods that I happen to have an over-supply of milk! I haven't even opened my breast pump yet, and yet I have approximately 60 oz of milk sitting in my freezer already. At first in the first few days when I fed her I noticed the other boob leaking a lot. Soon it became unbearable as I would have to change my shirt each time and couldn't go out in public or see visitors because it was just nonstop leaking. Then I found a product (thanks to my friend Corey!) Called Milkies Milk savers. It is truly the best. There is no hand expressing or pumping involved, its a little plastic thing you wear in your bra and its only job is to collect leaked milk. And I have 60 oz just from that. Every feeding I do (approx 8-10 a day), I get 2-2.5 oz from the other breast. I am looking into donating at this time but am looking at all options as we tread soon into waters where we will see what supply she will need when I will have to go to work. At this point though we need to go get another freezer lol...

I also think watching her breastfeed is the cutest/funniest thing on the planet. Here are the stages of breastfeeding I notice:

- Tears in the degree of she thinks she may starve to death if she doesn't eat right now (Mommy gets the same way lol)
- She latches on as if she's attacking a gigantic cheeseburger and she is ravenous. You can literally see it in her eyes she is so happy she has food now. She grips on to the boob as if someone may take it.
- two minutes later she forgets what she came there for, mommy has to remind her.
- She remembers and is vigorously back at the boob.
- Falls asleep at the boob. I keep reminding her that classy ladies don't fall asleep at the bar but she doesn't listen lol.
- back and forth between remembering she's at the boob and sleep until finally she finishes off the tap and goes into milk drunk coma. Success.



Sleeping! Ahhhhhhh sleep. So my husband and I are lucky enough that he was able to get off for two weeks to be with me as we transition as new parents. We truly have no idea what we are doing but we came up with the idea of "shift parenting" (its probably in a book out there somewhere but whatev). So we do this shift parenting at night time, usually between the hours of 9pm- 9 am. One person goes to bed around 9 pm and the other parent stays up with her til approx 12-1 am. If I am sleeping first, then hubby brings me baby to eat and I go back to sleep til my "shift" starts. If hubby sleeps first then I just hang with her and feed on demand of course. Then the first duty parent comes to bed and Abby does too. The next parent is "on" and will handle any fussiness, diaper changes and coordinate the feedings until approximately 4-5 am. So if that person is me, hubby gets a nice block of sleep, and if that person is hubby, he handles all the others and brings her to me to eat in bed and supervises me so I don't fall asleep and then tucks her back in. This system has worked out really nicely for us as it allows at least one of us if not both to get at least a solid 3-4 hour chunk of sleep at a time. Things will change when hubby goes back to work soon, and we haven't quite solidified a plan for that yet but are working out some ideas. But I highly recommend this pattern to new parents! Especially if breastfeeding. Otherwise, sometimes we sleep when baby sleeps. But usually one parent is awake at all times during the day if the other needs a nap.

How are mommy and daddy doing otherwise? Pretty good. Considering. The hardest part that I can speak to as a mom, is the raging hormones flip flopping all over the place and the baby blues that come and go as a result. I love her more than words could ever say, but the mix of being sleep deprived and the monotonous routine of diaper change, feed, sleep, repeat, gets boring and exhausting. Being tied up in the house but also afraid to take trips out in fear of what could happen outside the house too. Yesterday, Day 8 I had my first random (totally totally random) bout of tears for literally no reason. Everything was fine but I was overtired and couldn't find a lunch option I liked lol. But I know it gets better. I still soak in all of these moments and cuddles and every moment I have with her because she is already growing so fast and I love every single second.


All in all, like I said these are just my experiences. Everything I say could be completely different for another family or another mom. Hopefully some of my tips however can help another family though!

With that I will leave you, thank you to those that took the time to read a super long post! Unless a unique topic pops into my head, I plan to write next on how Month #1 has gone! Looking forward to lots of lessons coming soon!

Love, the new Motherboard.