So this concept has been floating around my brain for weeks, maybe even months- Looking for its escape route out of my mind. So I hope I can do it justice.
Do you ever wonder or feel as if we are just playing pieces in one big game? What if we are the SIMS in SIMS100 being played 100 years from now by some kid enamored by the life we live? Or if you are religious or spiritual, are we all just playing pieces in one big game?
The goal in the game isn't to get to the end. Or to win. Because really, there is no winning or ending. The point is that you keep leveling up. The point is that you keep showing up to play.
What if your whole concept of reality was actually just you as the player, and everyone that you know or have done has been placed in your game as something or someone that will show you something, give you a blue, teach you a lesson (good or bad), give you something, or lift you up when your battery is almost dead? These are all strategic items placed in the game of you, the game of me, the game of all of us. We're all playing our own game. There are obstacles and challenges put in our way for a reason, to challenge us to think in different ways to unlock new keys to level up. If you've ever played a video game, there has always been that time where you tried everything you can think of and nothing, NOTHING is working- The game must have a glitch or something because you cannot find the answer in order to get to the next level. So you take a break from the game. You go about your life, unplug and then BAM! You think of a way that just might work and you do it and you Level up! Don't you feel a sense of immense accomplishment!?
There are an infinite number of levels in each one of our games, and the beauty and fun of it all is that we will never know how many levels there are yet to go until we reach the top. And the top is also different for everyone. But at the top, we feel a sense of fulfillment and no regrets as we leave the game. My hope is that we get to look back on all the steps and all the levels and get to review all of our accomplishments and hardships and know we rocked it all. We learned. And then we get to play again, as a new player, this time with a different set of circumstances.
What do I mean by levels? I've been thinking a lot about that too. We might never truly know if we hit a "level up" as there are no fancy lights or music that will go off above your head when we hit a new level, but that has to come from within your heart. If you listen to your own self, you'll feel it in your heart when you've leveled up. For example, think about someone who is in a level- and in that level she gets up every morning and doesn't like her body she sees in the mirror. So she begins to change. She shows up for herself, she eats the right food and does the workouts. But she doesn't feel like much else has changed yet. She looks up to the game controller and says OKAY, I'm doing the hard work, where is my level up?! The game controller looks down and shakes his/her head and says, nope, not yet. Determined the girl keeps showing up and keeps doing the hard work. And after doing a lot of soul searching, daily affirmations and gratitude, she finally one day looks in the mirror and begins to see herself for not what her body is- but what it can do. Who she is inside, what she brings to the table, her skills, what her body is capable of. And then she hears the music go off because she found the golden key to get past that level of body acceptance. She twisted that key in her mind to level up into a place where she loves herself no matter what, no matter what size or weight.
I think we are all in a different level, and they aren't in any particular order for all of us, we are all playing a different game and we are all playing at a different pace. So don't compare what level you are on to someone you know that you feel is on a much higher level. Because comparing yourself to anything or anyone certainly won't get that level key unlocked.
Maybe the level you are on right now is in your work. Maybe you've been trying and trying, clawing your way to a promotion and doing all of the right things, but still can't seem to reach that golden key after months, maybe even years of searching. Then one day you come to a revelation that you are enough no matter what. No matter what job you have or what salary you make, none of it matters. What matters is you, are you happy? When you can finally break free of that mindset and start doing what makes you happy, maybe it is then that you level up.
Maybe it's not all one consecutive string of levels like levels 1-100 for each player, but perhaps we can level up in categories. Maybe there are branches, family, relationship, work, self awareness, self development, self purpose, where we can level up in each area. What are those branches like for you? What level are you on in each of those branches? Are you at level 50 in work but level 2 with your relationships? Or are you level 42 in your relationship but level 1 with self awareness and self purpose? Where can you put part of your game on hold while you explore parts of yourself that you want to level up?
Don't spend your whole life stuck in level one. Level one is easy. You can coast through an expert in level one but never progressing to level 2 but you will never feel challenged, fulfillment, satisfaction, achievement. If you are not feeling any or all of those things right now then where can you level up?
Thank you,
We are doing pretty great here. Little Abby is still growing like a champ and is 5 months old! It is fascinating watching her learn new skills and seeing progression and connections in her brain. Something she can't do one week, she might be able to do the next week. Her personality thus far is pretty calm and observant. She likes to play but also just enjoys watching every thing and every one. When she sits at a dinner table with me and lots of others, she doesn't want to be towards me on my shoulder, she wants to see everyone and be in the know of what's going on. I foresee her going on to be a very curious and observant child, similar to her parents!
Do you know what I find curious? The fact that when I write "Matrescence" it shows up with that ugly red line under it, indicating it's not a word. That's the problem. It needs to be a word. It needs to be a word just as much as "adolescence" is a word, or "adult". What is it? Dr. Alexander Sacks coined the term, meaning the stage in which a woman is transitioning to being a new mother. A woman goes through a lot of new, scary, different physiological and psychological feelings during this time that often times she is not prepared for. Everyone knows about "adolescence", the transition between childhood and adulthood, where emotions are all over the place, the body is changing uncontrollably, we act on impulses, our brain isn't quite working at capacity, and plenty is done to anticipate and treat these feelings to guide humans through this period. It's not a coincidence that she coined the term "Matrescence" to sound a lot like adolescence, because women are going through a lot of the same symptoms as developing teenagers! And yet no one warns us or guides us through this period.
Many people, including myself, are not aware of what the female body truly goes through after birth. Sure, there are plenty of resources to help us through the pregnancy, most females go see their OB at least once a month if not more when they are pregnant. Towards the end of pregnancy, a woman might be seeing her OB every one or two weeks even. Then when you get discharged from the hospital, boom- all these questions on your newly torn apart body and typically a woman doesn't see her doctor for six weeks. That was was first took me by surprise, I really don't see a doctor again for six weeks?? These six weeks start the woman's period of adjusting to not only caring for her new and changed body, but also a tiny human that depends not only on her love and care, but usually 100% nutrition as well. I had/still have a lot of questions!
Pregnant woman nowadays get bombarded with lots and lots of information about "Post Partum Depression (PPD)", so much so that I think most women can at least name three common symptoms of PPD and what to watch out for. But what if you don't have any of those symptoms, but something still doesn't feel right? THAT right there is Matresence! Because WHAT is "right"? Nothing! Our hormones are EVERYWHERE! Literally to this day, I will one moment feel overwhelming joy over something so incredibly stupid, and then within that same hour feel very sad for no reason. Something doesn't feel right because we are learning to navigate all of these new emotions, we are learning how to care 100% for another human, we are trying to learn what level of anxiety reaches past "new mom" and bleeds into "crazy". Life will never be the same, and new moms need time to mourn that. We love our babies more than words can possibly say, but it's still normal to need to mourn the life you had. And I think that right there is what women are afraid to do, afraid to admit that, to say it out loud. They are afraid of coming across as unappreciative of the brand new baby they are blessed with, and that is simply not true! Sure, I can admit I miss being able to just "go to the movies" with my husband without having to get an available babysitter. I miss being able to plan a vacation without worrying/wondering/taking into account everything we will need to bring and do with the baby. I miss lots of things we used to have. But you know what? I can't imagine life any differently. I know that sounds cheesy, and thats fine. But even as much as I mourn our old life at times, I wouldn't trade our new lives for anything. I've often thought, even if someone offered to take her for a weekend and we had a getaway, I still wouldn't enjoy it because I would miss my baby so much. I miss our old life but I don't want it back, ever. This is life now and although it brings new challenges every second of every day, it is amazing every second of every day. And I know I'm not the only mom to feel all this, and that is confusing to process through that for many women. It’s okay to mourn your old life and still love your new one, even if your new one is very confusing. New moms feel the pressure to post on social media how WONDERFUL this new time is and how GREAT everything is and how things are simply amazing, when we all know that is only a small percent of how life actually is as a new mom. It is okay to tell someone your real feelings. I do, highly suggest, if you have the means to- to enjoy date nights. There is no shame in leaving your baby with a responsible sitter (babies grandparents, aunts/uncles, close friends) so that you and your spouse can go out to eat without worrying about the baby crying in the restaurant. Go see a movie. Go for a massage. Sure, you'll miss your baby and you'll probably text the sitter to see how they're doing every 10 minutes, but you'll still enjoy that time for just you. I also highly recommend either making sure you find time to do the hobbies you used to love, or find a new one and forcing yourself to commit to doing that hobby a few times a week. Hell, even if its just once a week. Give yourself that time. Hubby got me the most amazing gift for Christmas, a ping pong table- Which has allowed me to take 30 minutes a night to play with him after baby goes to bed. I get some exercise, we laugh our butts off, and I get my mind off everything that’s weighing on me.
I would say that for me, the hardest emotional part about Matrescence has been the anxiety. Anxiety about everything. Anxiety about whether or not I'm a good mom. Am I doing everything right? Is she sleeping okay? Is she eating enough? Am I setting her up for dependence? Am I spoiling her? Am I giving her enough attention? Am I calling the pediatrician too much? Am I calling the pediatrician enough?? I worry about infancy and toddlerhood. I worry if I have what it takes to handle a toddler. I worry about the future grocery store meltdowns, even though I KNOW thats a few years away yet. I find myself with a lot of anxiety overnight worrying about SIDS, worrying if she's too cold, if she's hungry. Just because of the way our set up is, my spouse and I sleep with the baby monitor on my side. So I feel extra responsible to make sure I sleep with one ear open and check on the video monitor if I hear anything. A few weeks ago, I found myself staring at the clock on our ceiling at somewhere near 2 AM, waiting, yearning, for the night to be over just so it would be day time and I would know that she's okay. I also caught myself frequently staring, literally staring at the monitor trying to pick up if she was breathing. It was then I knew I had to readjust my thinking. I've since then, and I have to try at this every day, all day, but to readjust my thinking to trust in God that she is OKAY. Matrescence also gives us something awesome- motherly instinct. I just have to trust in it. I have to believe that she's okay and stop worrying about what if I am wrong? I need to sleep at night and believe she's okay and sleeping too. She.Is.Okay. When I find myself worrying nonstop about the future (I've even worried about her teenager years already, I know, its bad), I have to constantly remind myself to focus on today. Focus on right now. Do you have the most amazing baby now? Yes. Will this baby be extremely different tomorrow? Highly unlikely. We take it day by day and that is ALL we can do to survive. I have to remind myself that I will not be "handed" a toddler that is all of the sudden screaming on the floor of a grocery store. That toddler will be my child, the girl I know inside and out right now, and we will take it day by day. I have to believe that I will move past moments like that which scare me about the future.
Five months out, I am still discovering new physical symptoms of Matrescence. How about the hair loss?? WHOA. Everyone tells you your hair will grow faster during pregnancy and become more voluminous, but they usually forget to warn you that it.will.all.fall.out! Seriously, I am wondering how I will have any strands of hair left whenever it feels like it is done with this stage! Granted, in perspective, it's probably just returning to my normal pre-pregnancy head of hair, but when you pull locks of hair off your head just from combing your hands through your hair in the shower, you feel alarmed.
Oh, and frankly, I don't think it matters if you've done 1 "Kegel" in your pregnancy or 100 Kegels a day, you're gonna pee when you sneeze now. Guess that's a new thing we get to do.
No one talks about the weight adjustment. Sure, the online forums discuss it, amongst thousands of other brand new mothers, also going through Matrescence. Doctors encourage breastfeeding as one of the perks being "the weight will fall off". Granted that's not the exclusive reason I chose to breastfeed, but it certainly was an attractive perk! I believed it too, watching the weight indeed "fall off" for the first two weeks postpartum. And then.....nothing. Literally have been toggling between 3 +/- pounds since then. I joined weight watchers (now known as WW) because although lots and lots of people say "give it time", "let your body adjust", I just got really tired of feeling not like myself in my own skin. I've lost 4 more pounds so far on WW but it has been HARD and a trial and error process, trying to eat "enough" to keep up the breastmilk supply but also don't eat too much so that you lose weight. The first week I lost 3 pounds but I didn't use any of my "extra" points, I stuck to my allotted daily points. But my breastmilk supply tanked. This week I am using those extras, and my supply is doing better, but I haven't lost more than 1 pound. So, it's a process. The only thing I am happy I can take away from WW is learning to make better choices to replace some junk I was eating and I certainly FEEL better, which is what really counts, not the scale number. I know that. I can run up flights of stairs without needing a few minutes to catch my breath. I enjoy seeking out exercise opportunities so I can track my "fit-points".
No one warns you how hard it is to pump at work, to work every day to make sure your supply is up and healthy. No one warns you about the anxiety, the gut wrenching feeling when you only pump a few ounces in a sitting vs your usual. I, in addition to what I hope is millions of other new moms, thought that breastfeeding and pumping was straightforward- you just get milk out and feed your baby. WHO KNEW that your supply can decrease and increase based on what you eat and drink? I know this seems absurd, truly, but if we were existing in a post-apocalyptic world, I used to think- hey, at least I can always feed my baby through breastfeeding! But no. I never knew that in order to do that, I'd have to steal everyone's food and water to make sure I can feed my baby!
Well, my time limit is up to blog during her nap time. My main goals in writing this post is to get the word out about Matrescence (get more google hits on it!), and to show any other new moms that what they are going through emotionally and physically is OKAY. It may not be what everyone else is going through exactly, as we all have very different lives, situations, spouses, and babies, but just know that we are all in this together. Use each other and talk it out, with anyone. Oh, and stay off the internet, its terrifying and has greatly contributed to my new mom anxiety.
I am now going to get little one up, and enjoy Sunday night football by our fireplace with my spouse and Abby! It's the little moments like those to keep you going through the scary ones! Hold on to that! <3
Love, the New Motherboard
If you are interested in more resources about Matrescence, check these out:
