Thankful

Hello!

It's Thanksgiving today! Abby's first Thanksgiving! The season all about giving thanks and reflecting. I used to always write a thanksgiving post on my old blog so I wanted to continue here!


This year more so than any year prior, I have so much to be thankful for, every single day, not just Thanksgiving.

This time last year on Thanksgiving, I woke up to a phone call. We were supposed to be getting ready soon to go to my alma mater's big Thanksgiving day football game, but instead my grandma was calling me- She was in excruciating pain and wanted to go to the ER. So I jumped out of bed, threw on clothes and ate a pop tart in the car on the way there, and I quickly brought my grandma to the ER on Thanksgiving.

Well, ER visits usually always mean hours of waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for answers, waiting to be seen, etc. So this means we had lots of time for talking. The reason I tell you this story is that my grandma and I specifically had a conversation about how sad I was that my husband and I hadn't been able to conceive yet. That we had been trying for 2 years and seeing negative pregnancy test after another was becoming heartbreaking. I wanted so much for my grandma to be able to have a great grandchild. She heard me vent it all out and we talked that day of other options for us. We could adopt, but it was so expensive, the system seemed backwards. We could look into surrogacy or IVF (I *Really* didn't want to explore IVF).  But after talking some options over, we left it at a hopeless shrug and figured we would resume the conversation another time.

Little did I know, that it turns out that at that very moment, I was probably about 2 weeks pregnant!!

We found out the morning of December 11th, 2017, about 2 weeks after Thanksgiving day. I was having random pelvic pains and as I got ready for the morning, I figured I would just take another test like all the others. I honestly was expecting another negative and when I saw the two lines I was speechless. I held it in my hands like an egg and called out my husbands name in shock. He was half asleep still but heard the alarm in my voice. When he saw me looking at the test in my hands, he knew. We embraced in a hug in complete shock and laughed and cried!!!

From that day forward, I was so very thankful. And terrified. Excited. Nervous. Jittery. Hopeful. Happy. Everything!! We were finally pregnant! I was so nervous and didn't want to let myself get too excited, I was so afraid we were going to lose the pregnancy because it took us a few years to get pregnant. I didn't want my heart to break by letting myself get too excited over it. But each day, each week, each month, we made it another and she was born!

Every day with my daughter is a day I cherish. I know I sound corny, as all parents feel this way, but it's true. She makes me smile every single day. Sure some moments are trying and challenging, but it's all a learning experience. Even on the moments that have been hard, she still makes my heart smile. I know she's smart and it's amazing watching her take in information and figure out what to do with what she's learning. She sees us now and smiles, she recognizes us and laughs. So, I am thankful for each day we have had together so far and may God bless an eternity more together.

But that's not all I am thankful for, of course. My husband has been a true savior and an absolutely amazing father. Fatherhood seems to have come completely natural to him, and some of my favorite moments involve just watching them together. It is astonishing seeing the man I spent 6 years with just him and I together, transform into this amazing father. He has truly stepped up to the plate to take care of so much. I can tell he cherishes moments with her when he can just hold her and hug her. He loves to talk to her, read her books, play her music and show her everything he loves.  I know reading parenting forums on the internet can be a dark place full of lots of scary information, but from what I have read from other moms out there in the world, they can't say they are in the same place. Many moms have had the baby's father leave, unknown in the picture, or abuse them or the child, do harmful things, not be present, not be helpful, etc. It's terrible what some people are like out there and each day I wonder how I got so incredibly lucky to find and marry such a man as this that is such an amazing husband and father. I can't wait to keep watching them together!  I am also of course so thankful that my grandmother did get to become a great grandmother after all! Seeing her marvel over Abby when she holds her in her arms is one of life's most wonderful moments.

Of course I am thankful for both of our families and parents. They are all absolutely in heaven that they are all grandparents. I am thankful we can keep Abby out of daycare because my husbands mom has chosen to retire and take on taking care of Abby full time. This is amazing as Abby can spend each day with family that loves her more than anything, I feel better knowing where she is and can check on her anytime and be a part of her daily routine still.

Seeing my own father especially transform into grandfather-hood has also been astonishing to see. Going from my stern father that always knows what to do and is there for all the dad stuff, has become someone totally different when he holds Abby in his arms. The love between them already is undeniable. Just last night together we all had this amazing moment where he was able to make Abby laugh multiple times by having her copy him. It was amazing to watch!

I am thankful for our three pets! After going through the tragic heartbreak of losing a cat way too young to a severe illness, each day I am thankful for the three pets we have, Belle (cat-5), Maui (cat-1) and Daisy (Dog-2). They are INSANE and often times I spend more time wondering why they challenge me more than my newborn daughter, but I still love them. They LOVE Abby and Daisy the dog wants to be near her all the time. Which makes sense, as Daisy always used to lay on my belly when I was pregnant so they got to know each other early.

I am thankful my family is healthy. Each day we can make it through another day healthy is a good day, and I pray we can say this every year.

I am thankful for a beautiful house that keeps us warm and safe in a safe neighborhood.

I am thankful to all my friends and extended family that have offered their help in our new parenthood journey and nothing has gone unnoticed. We love you all and are so thankful.

I am thankful I have a great job that not just pays the bills but excites me and makes me invigorated to help make a difference in the healthcare industry.


I am thankful, most of all, for each day given to us. Call out the corny, go ahead, but truly, parenthood has shown me that each and every day is a treasure and a gift. It could all be taken away in a second, in one moment, and for that I am thankful for each day given to us.

And I am thankful to all of you who choose to read this! Thank you!

Love,

The New Motherboard <3

One Journey Ends, Another Begins...

Hello! 

Well, my journey as a stay at home mommy on maternity leave has sadly come to a close. My first week back to work has been very interesting in many ways and I hope other new moms or any mom reading this can relate. 

I prepped for my first day back mentally about 2 weeks and physically for about a week. I pretty much emotionally prepped by working through the five stages of grief: 

Denial - I don’t really I have to go back . I can do something else. We can start up a lemonade stand. We can do anything else. We can live off husbands income! I’m never going back! 

Anger - I can’t believe I actually have to go back. Lemonade stand fell through and we can’t live off husbands income. I’m so mad I have to go back this is awful. The United States is awful, we are one of the only countries without guaranteed maternity leave and if that only get up to 12 weeks!! Sweden gets a YEAR!

Bargaining - what if I go back part time? Part time income, part time with little one? Can we afford if I stay out another month but still go back later? Let’s move to Sweden. We can move to Sweden, right? 

Depression- we can’t afford to do anything besides me going back full time and this makes me so sad to leave my little one and I want to cry. 

Acceptance - I’m going to make the best of it, be a better person and learn new things. Little one is in good hands. Plus, 8 hours without throw up on my shirt 5 days a week, yay! 

Prepping things, coming up with a plan, getting in the right state of mind, figuring out my pumping plan... my first day I literally remembered everything and felt like a rockstar, except forgot my work ID which is quite possibly the most important thing. Nothing like a first day back to work without turning back to go home to get something, right?? By the time I made it back to the office I had spilled water and coffee on my seat, but was still determined to try and have a good day. I swear I looked like I was about to board an airplane with as many bags I was carrying more so than just working 8 hours. The amount of things I have to carry to work 8 hours: 

• pumping bag (pump, pump supplies, pump charger, a spare shirt and bra, Motrin, tums, pads, my wallet and other misc items 
• My work bag (laptop, notebook, pens, misc items) 
• My lunch bag 
• Either I hold my water yeti and coffee or put them in their own bag too. 
• Anything else I need that day (ie bringing supplies to my new desk 

It’s pretty insane. 

It’s a whole new experience now working. Every day requires so much more planning than the regular just going to work and back. Now we plan how we attack the middle of the night baby wake ups, we plan to a science how early we get up to get our little ready and fed, and ourselves ready and fed. (By the way, FIRST lesson learned: don’t put a nice work shirt on til after you and baby depart!!! Work shirt down on day one within 15 minutes of it being on, lol). Then within the work day itself I can’t just focus on my job as I have to carefully navigate to an exact science when I should pump. Then pumping is this entire production. On day one I tried pumping three times to match my babies three feedings per day, til I got home and realized I literally had nothing left. Since then I’m now pumping early in the am when she feeds on one breast I pump the other, which gets me the first bottle and I only have to pump two more that day. 

Then coming home, we now have to plan who is getting her and when, what else do we have to do that night, until finally it’s time to go to bed and we are all exhausted. All of the sudden, as I tried scheduling a hair appointment after work for the week, I realized I felt trapped like I couldn’t go anywhere on weeknights alone without baby. Part of me felt guilty for wanting to since I had just been away from baby all day and the other part of me doesn’t want her having any more bottles than she has to when I could feed her from the breast as much as I possibly can. But in order to survive I know I will have to leave on some nights, even if it’s just those random mommy trips to target. 

I asked my friend Tuesday if I am a bad mommy for coming home after my first day and thinking , was this all a mistake? Can I really do this? Who was I to think we could grow our family and work full time? How do millions of parents do this??? This is downright exhausting. I felt like I put my entire self and soul into surviving day one and then realized I had to do 4 more. And then all again the week after that. And the week after that, until forever. But... I persevered and took each day one at a time (sometimes each hour at s time) until it was friday. But let me tell you, it still felt like each day was an eternity and the week took a year to complete. I hope it gets better but I know many moms that will say it won’t! I remember asking my friend something indicating I thought it was Friday, and she corrected me saying today was Thursday and I was confused for a good 10 seconds, and thought out loud, “oh my god it’s still Thursday??” It’s been weird. 

What I can say though is coming home to my little one and her unbelievable eyes and her smile and laugh makes it ALL worth it. I have to remind myself that me doing it all is all for her now, every minute of it is for her well being. But I miss her every day so much. I am very lucky to be blessed enough that her nana is caring for her so I can work rest assured that she is in good hands all day, so that helps this process immensely. 

What also helps is my incredible husband. Without his help I don’t think I would be able to think straight or stay sane. He has been so supportive of all my emotional fears as I prepped for work, a great ear for all my venting, has been so helpful with little one as we get ready in the mornings. Seeing them together is my entire world all in one, and makes me smile so much. 

It also helps very much that my work friends have been so supportive during this transition, much more than I ever expected. From decorating my work desk for me to lots of friends IMing me or coming to say hi and that they are glad I’m back makes it all so much more bearable. 

I do love what I do and that helps. I have a lot of dreams and coming back to work now I feel fresh with a blank slate and am determined to take real concrete steps now to better myself to move forward in what I want in my career, not just stay horizontal. I’m going to make changes in what I want to get my graduate degree in so that I can reach that ultimate dream. Life is too short to not do what you are truly passionate about. I want to teach my daughter that we need to work hard to achieve a life we want and anything is within reach if you reach high enough. Ugh, I sound like an 8th grade poster. Sorry. But seriously. 

I also realized this week that I want to write a children’s book (on the side) so I will be working on that. I eventually want my daughter to help in writing that book(s)  with me. If it’s successful, great. If we just get it printed and we are proud of it and it sells one copy to ourselves, that’s great too because we did it and it’s for us. 

These past two weeks As I have emotionally prepped for work I have really noticed something else new in me. When I’m in a moment where things are just really good, like really good in that moment, I work really hard to store everything about that moment in my memory. The smells, the sounds, the air, the feels, everything. Being amongst so much emotional turmoil in this transition has taught me to recognize those moments and how fleeting and rare they are and to appreciate them to their fullest because we don’t know when the next one could come.  

Well, time to start prepping for week number 2. Here goes!

Thank you for reading, 

The New Motherboard

Newly Off-Duty Boobs at Target

Hello!! We have survived month 2! She is so young yet, but at the same time I can't believe how old she feels already! I feel like I can already see her personality coming through, she's full of wonder, laughter, still LOVES music, and definitely knows how to tell us what she wants. In loud voices! My favorite part is her facial expressions she does with her eyes/eyebrows when she's thinking, and her new social smiles. She mostly smiles when she sees our faces up close, if we make funny faces, or....if she sees my boobs. No joke, her seeing my boobs without a top is equivalent to my husband finally seeing his favorite Oktoberfest beer on tap in the fall. All smiles. Its kind of adorable.

Not sure what is in my milk however because she is growing like a weed! At 6 weeks she was the size of a 3 month old, weighing in at 11 pounds 2 oz, and 23 inches! At this moment she's almost outgrowing 3 month pants! I don't know how she's so tall, as my husband is average and I am most definitely in the short category, but who knows! I stopped growing in 8th grade so hopefully she has a better shot at growth than I did. Her motor development skills are on pointe, as she is turning from tummy to back and is picking her head up almost the full 90 degrees. It's so amazing to see each day new things she can do. She is learning language as she explores her voice and all the sounds she can make. She loves to have conversations with us, even though her end of it is mostly just vowels :-)

Breastfeeding is still going extremely well and is my favorite thing to do with her so far, it is such an incredible bonding experience I couldn't trade for the world. Even on those days like yesterday, when I was already short on time, got all set up on the couch, baby on boob, but then realized I forgot a vital piece of my manual pump for the other boob and said boob was already started to spew milk everywhere, so here I un-recline the couch, keep baby on boob, carry the boppy and baby into the kitchen and grabbed the pump piece, made it back to the couch and baby managed to keep sucking the whole time! If someone had come in my door at that time it would surely have been a sight to see.   Also, my "let-down" is so strong still that one of these days baby is going to take out her own nerf gun and fill it with milk and squirt it in MY eye. The poor thing may have more milk accidentally squirted up her nose or eye than most babies should.... oops!

I never truly knew how much information, knowledge and work it takes to breast feed. Naive pre-baby me thought it was as simple as latching the baby on when they needed to eat. And it is. Except then you have to constantly think about your supply and make sure you're eating and drinking enough. Like drinking water all day. You have to time your coffee intake to an exact science to get it as far away from her next feeding/pumping as possible. Then there is pumping! Milk storage! Bottles! A book I'm reading about breastfeeding pinned it on the tail when she stated that breast feeding IS as easy for women that can stay home with the baby as a stay at home mom and practically never, ever leave the house and remain with baby all the time. But for women who will be returning back to work or enjoy leaving the house at times without baby, breastfeeding is a lot more involved. But I still wouldn't trade it for the world. I guarantee you if someone offered to pay me 1 million dollars to stop breastfeeding right now, I wouldn't. Sorry hubby :-p Some of the products I have seen to market to breastfeeding women have been HILARIOUS. I got an ad for a "hands free breast-pump", which at first I was like, oh cool- so you can do things without holding it there or pumping it yourself. But then the (perfect) woman in the picture ad has these ginormous pumps (uncomfortably it looks) attached to her (perfect) boobs, and what is she doing with her newly freed hands? She's cutting up VEGETABLES. Because yeah, that's the FIRST thing I would want to do if I suddenly could pump without hands for $500. Veggies. They need to think of new marketing for that one.

She can officially take bottles now with pumped breast milk and that has been such a relief. As much as I LOVE the breastfeeding experience, having the newly found freedom to know I can go places without worrying about a screaming, starving newborn at home is such a relief. Last week, hubby got home from work and I declared I needed a trip to target. I had been thinking about this trip not only all day, but pretty much that entire week. I even clipped out coupons I thought about it that much. So I left baby with daddy and a bottle, and me and my newly off-duty boobs HAPPILY skipped to target. Let me tell you, it was GLORIOUS. I walked up and down those aisles so slowly, examining every product, just soaking it all in. Don't get me wrong, I love going places with baby, but like I said in my last post- it's truly an expedition. I truly enjoyed the break of being able to park the car and go directly into the store without the car seat and wondering if she was going to have a meltdown in the middle of the store. And I know its only just begun! Mommy trips to target will definitely be in store for much of my future.

There have been many other lessons learned this month and new products I love. My personality has always had this logic side to me where if something isn't working multiple times in a row, even if its not working by just a little, I think to myself, what can we do next time to make this better? How can we think outside the box here? And I try something new next time. Sometimes it fails miserably, sometimes it improves our process by so much. Trial and error is what it is all about! This skill has helped me immensely in all aspects of my life and in my career. I strongly suggest to new parents not to put up with a process that is stupid or isn't working for you. Think of what you can do to make it better, even if its a crazy idea. It could work!

Two products I know I may not be able to live without this month are the Wubanub and the baby shusher. The Wubanub is a unique pacifier that has a tiny stuffed animal attached to it. Baby wouldn't take other pacifiers until this one. Don't ask me, it makes no sense because its literally the same pacifier (the plastic itself) as the others we have, but she loves it with the animal. I always feel like a cruel human when its time to clean them and I hold the animal over a boiling pot of water and dip in the plastic pacifier. I find myself making a voice for the animal like No, not me, noo! ....... Yes, its sad what happens when you stay at home all day with your baby with no adult human conversation....I fully admit it. This has happened and other sad conversations.

My other favorite product is the "baby shusher". Its literally no bigger than the size of a potato and it goes in the babies crib. It plays the sound of someone saying "shhhhh" over and over again. You can set it to play for 15 minutes or 30. We play it for 30. At first I saw it advertised and I was skeptical. But I figured, theres no assembly required and if baby doesn't like it we can return it. We gave it a good 2-3 nights and by the 3rd night this thing is magic. Some nights its longer than others, but usually within 10 minutes of the "Shhh" sound, she is out like a light. Frankly, I actually find it soothing too as she sleeps in the bassinet on my side. Is that weird?

Other laughable product moments include the time I bought a "boogie bulb" on amazon. The one they give you at the hospital is GREAT, but frankly we are lazy people and it was always upstairs when we were downstairs or vice versa. So we ordered another for boogie sucking. About a week later, the amazon distributor sends me an email asking for me to review their product. Me in my half awake state over my bowl of cereal started imagining the review I would write, "this boogie bulb man...it does EXACTLY what it is supposed to do. It sucks. No literally, it sucks! It sucks those boogies out SO WELL I just sit there in pure awe when I'm done. How can a tiny piece of blue plastic ever have competed so well with the one I got from the hospital? This one, my friend! This boogie bulb!"
...... But seriously, what the heck do they expect when they send these emails? Obviously new parents are buying them. New, exhausted, short tempered parents who aren't going to take the time to review A BOOGIE SUCKER. I mean C'MON.


Speaking of products, baby clothes. Let's talk about that. Completely adorable. But due to the fact that my child is growing faster than the twilight half vampire baby, we have outgrown the size she needs for the temperature/season we are rapidly coming into. We realized we didn't have enough warm items. So off to clothing shop we go and I quickly realized that the number on the tag means nothing. Baby clothes come in the following sizes:

• No way
• This would have worked a month ago
• This is cute but isn't the right season for it
• This says it will fit but my kid is definitely too big for that
• This will fit now but only for the next week
• This will fit her chest but not length wise
• This will fit her length wise but not in the chest 
• This says it will fit in what should be 6 months from now but will fit today
• Size who the hell knows I'm done with this store just buy it and she'll fit into it eventually

Seriously though. Gerbers, Carters, and all the other small clothing companies need to get together and get on the same measuring system. One companies size 3m is anothers 6m! Its ridiculous. 

Overall, all joking aside, these first two months of her life have truly been magical. If you can't laugh at the situation or yourself as you struggle through these experiences then you will indeed go crazy. Don't try and be the perfect parent. We can only truly succeed when we make mistakes (a lot of them) and see what we did wrong and learn from it. Otherwise we are just dumb ignorant parents.

One nice thing that I will leave you with is a new phenomenon I have noticed since her birth. I consider myself a fairly spiritual person and believe that there are forces at play on this earth beyond our control. Something unique about myself is that for most of my life that I can remember, whenever I am about to pass underneath a street lamp, I see them turn off all the time. Not every single one of course, but it happens more times than likely to happen to call it a coincidence. I always just brushed it off and thought it was cool. Well, since her birth, when I'm driving now, I see dead street lamps ahead and right as we are about to go under, the lamp turns on! And again, I've noticed this more times than likely for a coincidence. I consider this to be one of two things (or both): it is one of her deceased ancestors saying hello and they are watching over us, or that  my energy that used to turn off the lamps has now changed since the birth and symbolically, her birth has lit a new light inside of myself..... Call me crazy but it's what I believe.


With that  I leave you, thank you so much for reading. I hope mommies and daddies out there found something useful, even if its just knowing you aren't alone. We are all going through it!

Love, the New Motherboard <3

First Month of Baby Life

Welp! Its already been one month! Now first thing I'd like to mention is the fact that time, is confusing. I literally called BS on time this week as my husband and I argued over who was right. The argument was, does Abby turn one month old at 4 weeks (yesterday), or on September 22nd? (She was born August 22nd). Everyone except me votes August 22nd. Which is cool. All good. Except in my mind she technically IS a month old as of yesterday as she has lived four weeks. But we can all agree to disagree lol.

But anyway, one month down, and it's been great! SOOOO full of lessons learned which I can't wait to share with you all, and already so many wonderful memories.

Abby is very healthy and already interacts with us! We don't see the pediatrician again til the first week of October, but we weigh her on our scale at home and she is almost 10 pounds! And she's definitely longer but I'm not attempting to measure her. Changing her diaper and keeping her legs straight for longer than 2 seconds is already enough of a challenge! But I can tell as she is already outgrown some of her newborn sleep sacks as she is too tall now! Developmental wise she is trying really hard to turn on her side but isn't quite there yet. She gets her thighs going to turn but can't quite find the power to turn herself over yet. I give it to month 2 and she will get it. I want to say I think she's smiling at us and there has been one or two times so far that I really think she did smile socially. The rest are probably poop smiles but I will take them anyway! Abby also LOVES music. If she is crying, almost 9 times out of 10 we can get her to stop if we play some music. She especially loves 3 particular songs from the Broadway musical "Newsies". No joke. "Carrying the banner" almost makes her stop crying every single time. It started out as a joke because we saw the musical while I was pregnant and she was kicking SO MUCH during the songs that we joked that she must love it. And when she came out and was crying we tried playing it as a joke and....silence. So our kid loves music. And Newsies. I'll take it!

So first I will start out with the lessons we have so graciously learned since our first week. Again, some are in humor but some are totally serious and I hope they help other parents!

1. When going out, pack more than one pacifier! Ignorant me was all like, yeah this one pacifier should be fine. I even had a nice case for it like a rock star first time parent. That pacifier was on the floor in about 2 minutes. No more pacifier. Pack more pacifiers. Like, five.

2. Don't rely on pacifiers. I am exclusively breastfeeding, so they told us to wait 4 weeks to offer it to her. Well, 2.5 weeks in and I was pretty desperate. Especially at night when she was going through a phase where she just wanted the boob for comfort. I researched options for pacifiers that are okay for exclusively breast fed babies and found the Soothie Pacifier and one also made by our bottle company, Nanobebe. YES! So I got it and I kept it as my secret weapon. It gave me comfort for awhile thinking that oh yes, you wanna cry? Yeah keep crying because I have a secret weapon in my pocket, this almighty pacifier! I was so confident that when I had to use it, it would be this magical thing.  Nope. One night It got down to having to offer it (about 3 weeks), and low and behold....she kept it in for maybe 30 seconds. So I'm like oh here let me put it back in. Back out. Repeat 100 times. So turns out we don't have a pacifier kid. No secret weapon. When I put it in she literally looks at me like, Mom this is BS theres nothing coming out of here, who do you think you're kidding? Do I look dumb??  So lesson learned here? I don't know. I don't even know. I guess just don't rely on that as your back up secret weapon. She is up to maybe keeping it in for 5 minutes tops but often will spit it out and cry again, or fall asleep (yay!).

3. Baby WILL poop within 5-10 minutes after changing the diaper. It will happen. Multiple, multiple times. I just laugh at that point. One time I literally picked her up off the changing table and there was a very loud audible shart.  Please tell me other parents have had times where they go through 3 diapers in 10 minutes???

4. You will get every body fluid on you. Accept it. So many code browns, code yellows, code spit ups I have lost count. Each code brown we have I try and learn what went wrong and what I can do to avoid it next time (see #5). The worst code brown yet, I was changing her diaper and it was only pee! So I'm just humming along there like no big deal, and all the sudden the ground shook and this ginormous fart came out of her little bum, accompanied by liquid gold that literally just shot out. In just a second it was on my hand(s), the wipe container, the diaper bag, the wall, the FLOOR (I'm not joking!), and probably other things I haven't found yet. I literally stood there frozen like WTF just happened for about 5 seconds before I jumped into action. Its times like those you don't even know what to clean first! Do you clean the baby but then risk baby getting poop on again from the dirty changing table?? Or do you clean the walls and the FLOOR (still enamored by this) first? I haven't figured that answer out yet.

5. Preventing code browns/ Code brown clean up:
a. DID YOU KNOW that Onesies pull DOWN? Yes. It's true. Turns out those weird shoulder flaps aren't just meaningless decoration, they are meant to roll down the arm! Yes! So no more trying to roll a very poopy onesie all the way up the back and over the head! It rolls down right off the bum!
b. DID YOU KNOW that diapers are supposed to be turned inside out first to "exercise" the flaps that come in it to prevent leakage? The first 3 weeks of her life we just opened the diapers and put it on. Oh no. Thanks to youtube, I found that if you turn the diaper inside out and arch out all those flaps, then turn the diaper right side in again, place it under bum, you have a much higher success chance of it holding in all that liquid gold. It's amazing. The things they don't tell you in the $30 newborn care class we took.......geez.

6. We will never be on time again anywhere ever. Or at least it feels that way. Need to be somewhere at 6? Okay we should leave our house at 5:30 (time we used to leave). HAHA NOPE. More like Abby has a code yellow/code brown at 5:35 and needs to be fed and we end up leaving at 6. This has happened many, many times. So we are trying to adjust our "need to leave by" times to accommodate, but we still end up being late, a lot.

7. Gone are the days where you could just get out of the car and go into a store. It is now like expedition Everest. It is a journey. Now its park the car. Get out of car. Go to trunk and get stroller base, unfold stroller, go get baby in car seat, place car seat in stroller. Get diaper bag on shoulder. Walk into store with more equipment on you than if you were hiking up Mount Everest. Or skip the stroller and hold the car seat which is almost unrealistic. Turns out there is no way to easily hold a baby in a car seat. It's heavy as all h*ll and I feel like a walking zombie with trying to walk and not letting it hit any other objects, my legs or just holding it in my arms. I have a bruise on my arm from the first time I held it in my arm because I am a wimp.  Its just awkward no matter what. We now go to wegmans and have one cart for the car seat and one cart for the groceries. Like I said, its an expedition.

8. You suddenly reach a new level of tired where telepathy becomes a real thing with you and your spouse. Well, sort of. There has been so many times where we are both up in the middle of the night or in the early morning, and I am sitting in my chair breastfeeding and I'm staring at my husband thinking of all the things I want to say, I'm literally imagining myself saying them but I am too tired to open my mouth. So then later I think I said them and turns out I never did. I think also at times we are both so tired that we just stare at each other and have a conversation without saying anything... You will also reach a new level of tired and find yourself with severe mommy brain and messing simple things up and making mistakes (like trying to breast pump the air, I did that this morning), leaving random things in random places that they don't belong, forgetting to lock doors, close car doors, etc.

9. There will be days where you feel like a total rock star mom/parent and there will be days where every second you are like WTF IS GOING ON. The other day Abby and I had a great day, she took her naps like a champ, ate like a champ, we had a great day, I made dinner like a rock star while Abby slept in her swing and hubby came home and it was like a perfect family all happy and I was like YEAH THIS IS GREAT, PARENTING IS FUN!  And then, there are days like the other day where every move you attempt goes against you, baby is crying for no reason at all, you have every body fluid on you, its one of those days where they poop right after you change them, you are dropping everything (literally why do we drop everything when we are already having a bad day??), and it feels like Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out of your pantry and be like PUNK'd!, and you'd all have a great laugh. That same night we decided to go to the mall in a moment of weakness because we were determined to have cookie dough (craving).  Oh the road is closed we take to get to the mall? No worries, because, well, cookie dough. Lets find another way that takes us 20 extra minutes. Get to the mall and Abby is crying bloody murder because she's hungry. Feed baby in backseat of our car because, cookie dough. Get the stroller out and expedition ready in the rain because, cookie dough. Get inside the mall and bend down to put diaper bag under stroller and literally ALL THE MILK that I collected from my leaky breast and forgot about was now all over my shirt, my jeans and my FLIP FLOP. WHO KNEW you could get breast milk in your FLIP FLOP. Guys, it was literally SQUISHY. It was that moment I no longer felt like a rock star parent and I wanted to sit on the floor, in the mall and cry. But, I walked around the mall with a wet shirt, wet jeans and wet flip flops because well, cookie dough. Cravings, they don't stop when you are no longer pregnant!

10. Stranger negativity (remember how annoyed I got about it in my first post about how strangers feel the need to tell you how hard newborn hood will be when you are pregnant?) Oh yeah, it doesn't stop! I'm telling you, random people we see are like "Aw, cute baby! Just wait til they start walking". Or "ohh wait til the 6 week mark, they no longer sleep", or "wait til they start talking", or "these are the easy days", etc. Why do people feel the need to resort to negativity as a conversation starter? Compliment how cute the baby is and keep walking. Do you think new parents really need to hear that? I'm literally just taking it one day at a time I don't need to hear about what negative experiences may be in store for us.


Anyway, those are the 10 lessons of the month. Overall I can honestly say we have a good baby. There has been lots of learning experiences and challenging moments but overall little Abby is good to us. She is in a pattern now where she is sleeping approximately 12 am -6 am and we are very thankful. She is eating well and breastfeeding is going excellent. I am trying so hard to savor each and every moment with her this small and soak it all in. I love spending all day with her and the thought of going back to work kills me (in 6 weeks). My favorite moments with her are usually right after breastfeeding we snuggle. Or she likes to play what I call froggie time and we hold her and sit her up and bounce her and she loves that, usually we get a few smiles. The other night she made me laugh out loud, I was breastfeeding and in the quiet of the night she farted very loudly and we just made eye contact and both raised our eyebrows. I know it was likely just a reflex on her part but it was hilarious to me at 3 am.

As for my health, I mostly feel back to normal! We try and get out and walk with Abby in the carrier or the stroller and I am up to almost a 3 mile tolerance. So physically doing great. Mentally doing pretty good, too. Anxiety is still high at times as I fear that I am still going to miss something wrong with her or I will do something wrong, but I am trying to manage that. The hospital I delivered with offers a great support group for new moms that I went to and that helped a lot. It was myself and two other moms and we all had 3 week olds and could all relate and were having the same experiences. It helped validate a lot of my feelings and anxiety and showed me its okay to feel this way. For the first 3 weeks or so I was also concerned with myself that I no longer had any interest in doing any of my art. I am very artistic and love to paint, draw, cross stitch, whatever but since her birth I either was too tired, felt like I should be with Abby instead of doing art stuff, or I simply didn't want to do it, which was making me sad. Then one day I picked up my cross stitch piece which is almost done and even though I didn't want to, I forced myself to keep going and that sparked my light again thank goodness. Now I do it almost every day again during Abby's naps, and even got back to painting. Abby sits right next to me as I paint and we listen to music together. It's the best and for me, its a mental health lifesaver. Without my art now I would literally go crazy alone in this house just watching TV all day. No way!

Here are some of my favorite moments in pictures:

Post feeding smile/snuggles:

 Tummy time! Our dog LOVES her sister human and always wants to be a part of everything Abby does. I had Abby alone and then Daisy insisted on doing the same thing. They love each other and it was such a cute moment!

Painting with Abby! 

Thank you every one for reading!!! 

Love, the NewMotherboard <3 

The Adventures of Week One

Wow! Holy cow. Baby Abby is 9 days old and today marks one week since she has been home with us! That is insane. It's crazy to think she's only 9 days old but already it feels like I have known her forever. It's surreal at this point knowing less than two weeks ago she was still inside of me. Happy to report that we saw the pediatrician on Wednesday and she is growing right on par and she has surpassed her birth weight!That means we can let her sleep longer and go longer in between feedings! Good for us...not good for boobs lol.

Surviving week one has been interesting to say the least! I have a lot to share! Please know that these are just my findings with my own baby and that anything I say is not scientifically proven or researched, just my experiences! Also, I am not getting paid by any company to say I like their product.

The first thing I have come to realize is that parenting is a lot like starting a new job. I've had approximately 10 different roles/jobs throughout my years on earth and each one of them seemed like an impossible feat at the time. Even back to my days working at Shoprite(grocery), I remember being promoted to a cashier and learning the register and thinking that was going to be impossible. Soon enough it became something I loved to do! Looking back now, it's one of the easiest jobs I've ever had! But my point is, when you start a new job, everything is scary. Literally nothing makes sense and every little thing you need to learn or gain access to or figure out, and you have no idea who you can even ask for help. But slowly, little by little, at the end of each day at that job, you learned something new. You made lots of mistakes but now you know how you can avoid those mistakes again. Slowly things start making sense and you know more than you knew yesterday. Sure new challenges will come up but that's growth!! So to me, that's how parenting feels. Day one neither of us knew anything, it was like walking on thin ice around here- afraid to do anything wrong. And then little by little, trial and error, we figure things out. We know what not to do the next day. Sure there are set backs but we learn from them!

Here are some of the quick lessons we figured out that I'd like to share with any other new parents!

1) The Boppy? What. The. Heck. Is the point! We are exclusively breastfeeding and I have given the boppy MANY chances and have yet to find it helpful. I'm talking about the half-circle donut that is supposed to wrap around your stomach to aid in positioning the baby. It doesn't. Maybe I just have a weird shape but it doesn't work. Perhaps it may aid in bottle feeding, but for breast feeding, not for me! I always end up having to lift her up more from the boppy thus making it pointless for it to be there, and my arms are just as tired all the same! Literally the first few nights I would rest her head on a stack of diapers I could reach at arms length! In retrospect, lately I have also learned (see these small lessons?) that Boppy also makes a wedge product that works a lot better if I just rest the wedge on top of a blanket. Its a wedge I used throughout the pregnancy to rest my belly on as I slept so I wouldn't feel the weight of my belly dragging downward.

2) Have a burp cloth in as many reachable spots in your household possible. I mean it. I have used many other things (including my shirt) as stand in burp cloths because I forgot to bring one with me and there I am topless and she's on me and spitting up and no other options! My poor husband has fetched me so many cloths when we had moments in need!  Even though I have learned this lesson many times, I am still working on making this a reality, because burp cloths travel!!! I have about 3-4 favorite spots that I like to breastfeed and theres always something missing when I sit down to feed. It's a learning curve getting the hang of making sure I have everything before I breastfeed.

3) Speaking of breastfeeding, I have learned that you need at LEAST four hands to breastfeed correctly, especially in the beginning as you learn! One hand needs to be holding her. One hand needs to be available for grabbing things. One hand needs to be batting away her hands away from her mouth. And one hand needs to be making the "cheeseburger" effect with the boob so she can latch on correctly! It's quite the feat! Oh and maybe another hand in there to wipe excess milk off her face.

4) Sadly, so so so so sadly, we have learned that most baby products are positively useless. They market all of this crazy technology and we fell for a lot of it, buying the high tech swing that plays music, the bouncer that can play music and vibrate, the pack and play that can play music and other things I haven't even investigated, the bassinet that can do music and move the mobile, and it's honestly all just not needed. We literally haven't even put batteries in any of it yet. We still may, you never know, but babies really just need a place to sleep, a place to nap, a changing table, diapers, changing supplies, and food! Okay maybe a little more than that, but it's really all just basics. Plus a lot of the stuff they market to parents ends up not even being SAFE for children which is really terrifying (any product meant for the car or car seat, sleep products, etc). I must say though that the one piece of "high tech baby" equipment we all love so far is her swing. We haven't used it to its full extent yet, but it does plug in and it swings her for as long as we want, and she seems to love it. It's been a god send for some day time naps!

5) Buttons. Buttons on baby clothes should be outlawed. AGAINST THE LAW. WHAT is even the POINT. Like WHO DOES THAT. And they disguise these dreaded devil buttons on the CUTEST clothes and laugh at the profit they're making while parents are crying at 3 am doing 18 buttons for the 10th time in a row!! It's truly unreal. They make the BEST sleeper sacks that have ZIPPERS. I want to buy whoever had that brilliant idea a nice drink, as I'm sure most parents would. You still can't avoid all buttons usually, as onesies have buttons as do many day time clothes, but not having to button and rebutton overnight is truly the best. Team zipper alllllllll the way.

6) Socks. Oh, Socks. I had such high hopes. They are so cute, but we learned pretty quickly that there is no point in trying to make sure they stay together as matches. It seems like they haven't invented a sock that stays on a baby yet, so we find socks down all over the place. We call a "sock down" alert! And also, they make all these insane sock/slippers that are truly adorable but utterly pointless. You really just need solid color (small) snug socks that you won't be upset if you lose one. Or many. As I write this, she's sitting next to me, literally just sitting in a bouncer and has somehow lost a sock.

7) Don't spend too much energy picking the cutest outfit out for your little one because within a minute after putting them in, (buttons and all!), there could be a code spit up, code brown, code milk spill, or code yellow.... And other times we last a whole day with no codes! Its just a gamble and theres no use in getting attached to the cutest outfits! Take pictures of them in the outfit while you can if you love it that much!

8) Keep the old diaper under her til the very last minute and have your next one ready to go!!! We have already had quite a few oopsies with poop and pee on the changing mat! Still learning!

9) Pants. For some reason no one thinks to get pants for parents as gifts! Probably because they aren't cute, but man are they needed. A lot of times they come as outfits, but we have all these onesies and literally one pair  of pants to put over them. So first trip out to target already to buy baby pants lol. It's these random things no one tells you!

So those are the quick lessons we learned in week one.

As for bigger lessons, well we are still learning those as will we be for the rest of our lives. Like breastfeeding, sleeping schedules, etc.

As for breastfeeding, I truly love it. I never thought I would say those words however prior to birth or even the first three days of breast feeding. Prior to birth I had a lot of anxiety about it if I could do it or not. Then the first three days was literally torture. She wasn't latching on the best she could and my one side especially felt like daggers for 5 straight minutes as she fed. I am not lying when I said I had to do some lamaze breathing during feedings to get through the pain. But, magically, like literally in the blink of an eye, it became bearable about day 4. Of course within the first three days I panicked and bought like 5 breastfeeding products on amazon to help with the pain and by the time they arrived I haven't opened a single one. It transitioned from being torture, to being bearable, to being something I truly love to do! But if you are considering it or are unsure, here are my personal pros and cons of breastfeeding:

Con:
- As a mom you are literally tied to her 24/7.  They strongly advise not pumping and offering a bottle for at least a month so she gets used to nipple first. This means no escape trips out. This means daddy can't bond with her and feed her (yet). This means that I have to assist in every single time she is awake during the night and can't sleep through any. I literally can't leave her presence this first month in fear that she would need food and I can't be there for her. So that can be exhausting, indeed.
- Like I said, at first, it HURTS. But I took the pain as one for the team and knew that each pain was hopefully one step closer to success.
- There are rules that are hard to predict, the one that plagues me is coffee! I really don't drink a lot. During the pregnancy I had 12 oz a day, which is what the doctor allowed. Now that I am breastfeeding I have heard lots of different recommendations, but most say to wait at least an hour after consuming the caffeine to breastfeed. Its been really, really hard predicting when I will see a 60-90 minute break in feeding. Sometimes she goes 3.5 hours without eating and sometimes its 30-45 minutes. And two days in a row now I got it wrong and I had to watch her cry as we waited the last 15-30 minutes til I felt okay feeding her again. I know I think I am overthinking it, but still I just want to do right by her.
- The farts. Oh man....The farts. They come out of her like liquid gold. Truly. Its quiet and then all of the sudden we hear the loudest "shart" you have ever heard. We take turns on who has to get those diapers....lol.

And those are the only cons I have!

Pros:
- Although I said being the only one that can feed her is a con, its ALSO a Pro. With all of our visitors and everyone that loves her and wants to spend time with her, I would be lying if I said that my heart didn't do a little happy dance when she gets hungry and I can go to a separate room and just have mommy/daughter time as I feed her. For now, until we introduce the bottle, it's something only her and I share. Although it's exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for the entire world.
- I know exactly what my daughter is ingesting and don't have to worry which formula is best.
-Cheaper, obviously.
- A never ending supply on hand! No late night trips to target to get more!
- Don't have to figure out/deal with warming bottles at 3 am, just pop out the boob and ready to go!
- They say the longer you breastfeed, the higher IQ the child has and the less chance I have of getting breast cancer and ovarian cancer.
- Higher immunity for baby for life! Can't beat that!
- Mommy weight loss!! Yay! In 9 days I am 17 pounds down, nearly half of my baby weight gain. I haven't exercised one bit, not even my usual walks (at first was too sore then the northeast got a killer heat wave), and have eaten pretty much whatever I want. This rocks!


Honestly I love it. And I have been blessed by the boob gods that I happen to have an over-supply of milk! I haven't even opened my breast pump yet, and yet I have approximately 60 oz of milk sitting in my freezer already. At first in the first few days when I fed her I noticed the other boob leaking a lot. Soon it became unbearable as I would have to change my shirt each time and couldn't go out in public or see visitors because it was just nonstop leaking. Then I found a product (thanks to my friend Corey!) Called Milkies Milk savers. It is truly the best. There is no hand expressing or pumping involved, its a little plastic thing you wear in your bra and its only job is to collect leaked milk. And I have 60 oz just from that. Every feeding I do (approx 8-10 a day), I get 2-2.5 oz from the other breast. I am looking into donating at this time but am looking at all options as we tread soon into waters where we will see what supply she will need when I will have to go to work. At this point though we need to go get another freezer lol...

I also think watching her breastfeed is the cutest/funniest thing on the planet. Here are the stages of breastfeeding I notice:

- Tears in the degree of she thinks she may starve to death if she doesn't eat right now (Mommy gets the same way lol)
- She latches on as if she's attacking a gigantic cheeseburger and she is ravenous. You can literally see it in her eyes she is so happy she has food now. She grips on to the boob as if someone may take it.
- two minutes later she forgets what she came there for, mommy has to remind her.
- She remembers and is vigorously back at the boob.
- Falls asleep at the boob. I keep reminding her that classy ladies don't fall asleep at the bar but she doesn't listen lol.
- back and forth between remembering she's at the boob and sleep until finally she finishes off the tap and goes into milk drunk coma. Success.



Sleeping! Ahhhhhhh sleep. So my husband and I are lucky enough that he was able to get off for two weeks to be with me as we transition as new parents. We truly have no idea what we are doing but we came up with the idea of "shift parenting" (its probably in a book out there somewhere but whatev). So we do this shift parenting at night time, usually between the hours of 9pm- 9 am. One person goes to bed around 9 pm and the other parent stays up with her til approx 12-1 am. If I am sleeping first, then hubby brings me baby to eat and I go back to sleep til my "shift" starts. If hubby sleeps first then I just hang with her and feed on demand of course. Then the first duty parent comes to bed and Abby does too. The next parent is "on" and will handle any fussiness, diaper changes and coordinate the feedings until approximately 4-5 am. So if that person is me, hubby gets a nice block of sleep, and if that person is hubby, he handles all the others and brings her to me to eat in bed and supervises me so I don't fall asleep and then tucks her back in. This system has worked out really nicely for us as it allows at least one of us if not both to get at least a solid 3-4 hour chunk of sleep at a time. Things will change when hubby goes back to work soon, and we haven't quite solidified a plan for that yet but are working out some ideas. But I highly recommend this pattern to new parents! Especially if breastfeeding. Otherwise, sometimes we sleep when baby sleeps. But usually one parent is awake at all times during the day if the other needs a nap.

How are mommy and daddy doing otherwise? Pretty good. Considering. The hardest part that I can speak to as a mom, is the raging hormones flip flopping all over the place and the baby blues that come and go as a result. I love her more than words could ever say, but the mix of being sleep deprived and the monotonous routine of diaper change, feed, sleep, repeat, gets boring and exhausting. Being tied up in the house but also afraid to take trips out in fear of what could happen outside the house too. Yesterday, Day 8 I had my first random (totally totally random) bout of tears for literally no reason. Everything was fine but I was overtired and couldn't find a lunch option I liked lol. But I know it gets better. I still soak in all of these moments and cuddles and every moment I have with her because she is already growing so fast and I love every single second.


All in all, like I said these are just my experiences. Everything I say could be completely different for another family or another mom. Hopefully some of my tips however can help another family though!

With that I will leave you, thank you to those that took the time to read a super long post! Unless a unique topic pops into my head, I plan to write next on how Month #1 has gone! Looking forward to lots of lessons coming soon!

Love, the new Motherboard.

Your Entrance into the World

Hello!!!

So our little princess is finally HERE! She is absolutely precious. It's already been a very interesting journey!!

So I'd like to share my birth story, not only for documentation purposes to remember it but also to help anyone else heading into a same situation! LONG POST, sorry!

So we found out on Tuesday AM that our induction was scheduled for the following day at 7 am. Apparently there was a lapse in communication and we weren't notified sooner, so we had about 24 hours to prepare. This was fine anyway, as 24 hours notice was better than labor starting and rushing to the hospital anyway! We spent our last hours doing last minute housework, running errands, went out to dinner and dessert, etc. Unfortunately my anxiety about the impending day was getting the best of me and was manifesting itself as severe nausea and a bad headache so we didn't get to do much. I tried relaxing as much as possible and was almost successful til the hospital called around 9 pm and asked where we were! Apparently there was another lapse in communication between the office and the hospital in scheduling. So that ramped up my anxiety again. Luckily we were able to still wait until the next morning to go in, but I was a nervous wreck still. I think we both got maybe 4 hours of sleep, if that. We ate in the morning and off we went to the hospital to have a baby!!

So we check in to the hospital at 7 am. Our first 2-3 hours was spent doing paperwork, answering admission questions, being hooked up to monitors, etc. I think that maybe our princess waited so long to come because she wanted mommy to try out some new technology at the hospital! We were about 1 of 7 moms that got to help the hospital trial new fetal monitoring technology, called Novii. It is a bluetooth enabled wireless fetal monitoring system. There were little patches that stayed on me and a little battery pack ( so my stomach kept lighting up hehe), and I was allowed to freely go to the bathroom, walk around our room, go in hallway (up to 100 feet) and all still be monitored on the system. It was surreal being able to see my contractions happening in real time in the hallway as we watched on the hallway monitors! My doctor was excited about it as she was able to monitor me from the physician office as I labored and never had to be unhooked! The freedom during labor was definitely excellent and I am glad I got to trial it!

In the AM I was still 3 cm, what I had been for over a week at that point. I was having lots of contractions on the monitors but I wasn't feeling them. I joked (shouldn't have) that if contractions were this easy, we could have 10 kids. That was not a good idea to test the labor waters lol!

At 0945 we got started on what is called Pitocin, the synthetic version of the bodies natural hormone called Oxytocin which helps the uterus contract. I was nervous about starting the Pitocin as I had heard that it makes contractions so much worse. But, that's kind of the whole point of an induction so I had to do it! Well, come around 11 am or so the pitocin had been increased a few times already. I was having more and more contractions on the monitor but still wasn't feeling them. Again I thought, hah this is great. Maybe I have a rare condition where I don't feel labor contractions, lol. Hah. Hah.

Around 1 pm, they came in to check my cervix and I was still at 3cm. So it was time to artificially break my water. I was like okay cool, lets get this show on the road. Breaking the water didn't hurt at all, was just slightly uncomfortable in a weird way. But let me tell you, approximately not even 2 minutes after I was finished with that, first "real" contraction came. BOOM.

I was like, ooh okay that hurt, quite a bit, but I can do this. Lets get that deep breathing started and all that jazz. Second, third, fourth one came, all pretty close together. It was getting pretty apparent that I didn't have that rare condition where I didn't feel contractions!! They were now super painful. The nurse suggested I walk around, so we got up and walked around room. I was soon doubled over either looking out our window on the window sill, or doubled over a chair, or we also tried the "slow dance" move (not as effective). I know they have all these other tools like the birthing ball, jacuzzi, etc, but at the moment all I could even think about was surviving and staying close to that chair! They were coming so fast and so close together that I had about 60-90 seconds in between each one. So not much rest time to recoup from the last contraction before the next one started. My husband asked what it felt like and the best thing I can come up with is a Tasmanian devil being in my abdomen doing cartwheels, with knives. And squeezing everything I have in me, with those knives.

Let me just say my husband also tried to make me laugh, and he almost got punched lol. Maybe I would have if I could gather the strength in between contractions!!

The lamaze breathing we learned was maybe 30% helpful. It honestly hurt so much, most of my breathing was half tear crying coming out instead. But it did help to try. I think the best coping mechanism was scratching the chair I was white knuckled holding on to...poor chair. But it survived. For some reason causing the chair pain during my pain helped transfer some of that pain....maybe?

Anyway, around 2 pm or so I decided I can't do this, NOPE. Not cut out for this whole natural birth thing. No can do. Nope. So I requested the epidural. Unfortunately, like I knew was a risk, the anesthesiologist was tied up at the moment but would get there as soon as possible. Waiting that time period was likely the worst of it all, as my body had already given in knowing in relief was coming but it wasn't here yet.

He got in the room about 2:45 and I had to sit still on the side of the bed which may have been the hardest part of it all. I was practically hugging the nurse sitting in front of me as I had to lean forward to get the epidural. From what I had heard mixed opinions of epidurals, I was only expecting a pinch when the numbing needle went in. Nope. Not true for me! At one point he warned me that I would feel a "twinge" in my leg and not to worry. He should have warned me it may instead feel like my leg was being electrocuted, that was more accurate. I yelped in reaction and he had to pause for me to stay still, and that was super hard.

Eventually the epidural was done. I of course have never had one so I am testing all the waters, I am moving my toes and I'm like MY TOES, I STILL FEEL THOSE TOES IS IT WORKING?!

It was. Apparently my other inaccurate vision of epidurals was that it was like a lightswitch and the contractions just "turned off". Not true. I had about 5-6 more very painful contractions after the epidural and I then thought, maybe I have a rare condition where epidurals don't work for me. MY TOES AFTER ALL ARE STILL MOVING. But alas, each contraction started getting more manageable. My toes never lost feeling, but slowly I found I couldn't move my legs anymore.

After all that pain from the previous 2 hours, all I could literally do at that point was stare at the ceiling, not moving a single muscle as I was so thankful for the pain to be gone and I didn't want to move anything that could make it come back. I fell into a little bit of sleep for about 45 minutes. I woke up and it felt like I woke up in a whole new world. My husband was in the bathroom at the time so I was alone and it felt like Rick waking up in The Walking Dead from his coma. It was surreal. All I could do was look around the room, since my legs wouldn't enable me to even reposition or do anything else.

Around 4:00 pm or so the resident and nurse came in to see how far my cervix had progressed. I was expecting to be around 5-6 cm. I still anticipated having a baby overnight or the following morning after all. Well, she's all up in me and she's like, "So, we are at 9 cm. We're gonna have a baby soon!" and although I couldn't move my legs, at that point I felt like I couldn't move my voice box either. I was like NINE?!! NINE!?! NO WONDER I felt like I was about to keel over on the floor. I went 6 cm in 3 hours!!!

So we texted my mom who got there pretty soon after and also texted my husbands parents that baby could be here soon.

My husband, mom and I chilled in the room together as we observed the nurse calmly but also in a rush get together the delivery cart. All I could think was, supposedly I'm NINE cm and could have a baby very very soon, and it just felt surreal. Despite the 2 hours of severe pain, it all felt too easy and quick!

About 5:30 or so, my doctor arrived and checked my cervix. I was 9.5cm. She nonchalantly, which was weird, was like, "so do you want to try some pushing?"  and I am like, uh, yes? I don't know? You tell me!  But apparently it was my choice so I was like, okay let's do it.

I did a "practice push", but apparently I'm a very effective pusher because all the sudden everyone in the room was like baby is crowning!!! I'm like, what! I guess they weren't expecting that because all the sudden like 8 more people are in the room and my nurse is calling NICU that we are about to deliver. It was unreal.

I did two more pushing sessions and the babies head kept moving down. Then the room stress started changing as the doctors were watching the monitors and I wasn't allowed to push. They had me wear oxygen and I had to take deep breaths, but weren't telling me what was going on. The doctor said they are going to have to use the vacuum to get her out, and I'm like seriously? We've pushed like 3 times! She went over the risks of using a vacuum but I'm like, what choice do I have, just do it! (In retrospect, the doctor explained that the baby had a very short umbilical cord and when she started descending she was pulling on her cord and her heart rate was dropping, so she had to be rushed out). Scary!

So we were allowed to push then and I had a whole team cheerleading me on which was very helpful, as with the epidural it was really hard to tell if I was doing anything. All I could do which felt helpful was I tried to visualize the baby moving outward as I pushed.

And then, all of the sudden it felt like a slippery fish had left my body and I heard crying! They put her right on me and I was crying to! Thank the gods she was completely healthy right off the bat and we immediately started skin to skin, after my husband got to cut the cord. It was truly surreal seeing her for the first time, as my husband and mom and I are all crying and here I was, staring at the baby that was just inside of me!!


So that my friends was my labor! She passed all of her immediate tests with flying colors! We did skin to skin for 2 hours and let me just say, I LOVE doing skin to skin with her. She weighs 7 lbs 15oz and is 19 inches. The doctors worked on my "downstairs", delivering the placenta and repairing my tear.

Knowing my story, and how my body was going to react and how it would all go down, the only thing I would have changed was request the epidural right before they broke water or shortly after. Going from 3-9 cm in 3 hours was an impossible task for anyone and I was not expecting that. I think maybe, MAYBE, MAYBE, I could have attempted a natural birth if I had broken water naturally and slowly progressed into labor, but I can't say that for sure. This was just 0 to 100 in 2 seconds and I couldn't deal. But there is no shame in getting the epidural! Only side effect I had from it was as it wore off closer to 8-9pm, it felt like ants were crawling all over my back and abdomen and I was uncontrollably itchy. And also very nauseous. They had to move me to my recovery room but decided to wait as my blood pressure dropped a little, I lost all my color and had the extreme nausea. So I got extra fluids and rest and was able to move around 11.


So far baby, husband and I are doing well and we are home. Soon I will next write about how our first couple of days have been together, there have been LOTS of lessons already learned that I can't wait to share.

Life is such a blessing and it is surreal having one in my arms. She is already our entire world and she is worth every pain, every headache, every cramp, every day of waiting.


With Love,

The New Motherboard.

Centuries of Waiting

Well, Here we are at 40 weeks exactly tomorrow. I know that means I've literally just hit the due date and that we aren't past it...yet....but it still feels like we've been waiting forever. Especially when you read those dang Internet forums where other women in your due date bracket have had their babies for weeks now. I know its unrealistic to expect that and that waiting til the due date means she's all the more healthy and all that...but.....ahhhhhhhh.

I'm slightly convinced she's started painting the womb walls, put up shelves, got some womb decor, signed a lease....etc. I'm also slightly convinced that if I got on a cruise ship right now, it might sink.

I've had so many "visions" or predictions, or feelings, of how I thought labor was gonna start, and this little girl has defied every one of them. So we already know about her that she has a very stubborn personality, she's mysterious, has a mind of her own and she knows what she wants! Okay then. Leo girl it is. (Lets friggen hope so because we looked it up last night and the next horoscope Virgo starts August 23rd. She better be here by then!

I get it 100%. I KNOW and fully realize and I can literally feel all the moms out there with newborns, infants, screaming toddlers, etc., that these days are the best. They are the very last days I have of silence, sleep, peace, 1:1 time with my husband, etc. I get it. I know. I've heard it all. And I appreciate them so much, I really try. I really do. In fact I know that within my own SELF that I will look back on these days and wish that I had them back in just a few short weeks. I get that too! But at some point, you are just ready to get on with the next chapter, you know? I know things are about to get crazy challenging and words will be said in exhaustion that aren't meant and sleep will be a thing of the past, I know all this. But we are both 30 years old. We have wanted this baby and have tried for it since literally our wedding night (almost 3 years ago). We literally upgraded the size of our house and got a typical colonial last year in preparation for being able to start a family. We have planned for it and we are ready to just get that chapter started. We enjoyed our 20s so much, went on tons of vacations around the country, hundreds of concerts, date nights, etc. We are just so ready to welcome her into this home and get that chapter started.

I also get that she will come out when she's ready. If I had a penny for every time I've heard that within the last month, we could send a decent fund to her college savings account by now. I know she will come out when she is ready and I do not want to force that on her. But.....I wish I could ask her, is there anything you'd like mommy to do to help you be ready? Are you waiting on something I can do for you? The time is now, kid, let's get this show on the road! The exit sign is "down there"! Oye.

Things I have tried and obviously have had no effect:

- I ate tons of pineapple. Which, I really thought would work because around 35 weeks I had a hefty serving of it for lunch and did not know it could cause contractions, and we were in triage that night with contractions (but obviously sent home).
- Been drinking 3-4 tea bags worth of red raspberry leaf tea per day. Sometimes this makes me feel crampy while I drink it but no more excitement beyond that.
- We walk, a LOT. We walk approximately 1 mile, about 3-5 times per week. Its hard with the August Northeast weather (its either hot as h*ll or its monsooning this summer), but we try as often as we can or go to the local mall to walk.
- We got a yoga gym bouncy ball that I bounce on, circulate my hips on, you name it. Which is hilarious because my 12 lb dog thinks this ball is the antichrist and literally shakes in fear when she she's the ball. It's a little absurd.
- I really have never had a tolerance for spicy food ever, but I went and got the spiciest I could handle (literally the chicken at chipotle lol- childs play spice for most of you), and that did nothing.
- I meditated a lot. Nothing.
- I laid down in silence and had a heart to heart with the womb and tried telling her its okay to come out. Nothing.

BUT things I've accomplished in waiting:

-2 1000 piece puzzles. I seriously love puzzles but c'mon, there's only so much puzzling you can do.
-almost finished with my cross stitch piece I started in January! (It's big!)
- Organized every closet I could think of in this house.
- Put together a pack in play.
- Read a lot of information and books about parenting and welcoming babies written by pediatricians. I know this may be overkill, but I hate walking into something and just winging it. Big presentation at work next week? I prepare and practice as much as I possibly can. Big text next week? I study as much as I can. I hate "winging it", and I know we totally still will wing it, and this kid won't fit into what the textbooks say, but still, to me, it can't hurt to at least try and learn what to do when she's here.

Speaking of textbooks, I have thought of a few things that they do NOT tell you about in health class regarding pregnancy! Granted I have been through nursing school which has included a maternity class, but lets just say I didn't do great in that class...

- You have total permission to think less of me and that's fine, but for a huge portion of my life I thought pregnancy was 36 weeks. I mean, I've always learned its 9 months. There's 4 weeks in a month, and 4X9 is 36. When I then heard that its actually 40 weeks I am like what??? That's 10 months! Why don't they heavily advertise that! Granted I knew about this before we conceived but I was still shocked to learn I felt I've been tricked my whole life. And that's if the baby comes on time! Whats with this possibility of 41-42 weeks nonsense!!!

- mucous plug. WHAT! Man if they showed that to the kids in health class in high school, pregnancy rates would have to drop significantly. I lost mine about a week ago and MAN. I thought that was definitely an alien substance. And I'm a nurse!  Therefore I thought it was fascinating, but many people would not think the same.

- Apparently only 15% of women have their water break! What is this! We live in a culture where all the movies we see, the pregnant woman's water ALWAYS breaks. Not just breaks, but its usually this epic scene of gushing waterfalls coming out. But apparently this is definitely not the case. Nope. Only 15% of women are "lucky" enough to get that epic sign that they are definitely in labor. The rest of us get to play the game of "Is this a fake contraction or a real contraction?" or the game of "lets go to triage again for 4 hours and get sent home". It's terribly fun.


Well thank you for reading all, I hope I've made some of you giggle here and there. It really is terribly funny and at this point all I can do is laugh about it otherwise I'll go crazy. And I know its just the beginning. We go to the doctor in a few hours and I hope that we hear of some progress!!!! Last week I was 3 cm dilated and 90% effaced so WHERE is she? Let's hope maybe we will have a baby tomorrow on her due date. If that's the case, at least we know we have a kid that can follow directions!


With love,

The New Motherboard <3

PS my next blog is going to be our birth story! No If's ands or buts!

The Anxiety Ache

Hello readers!

We are 37 weeks! That is insane. Truly.

Things are overall going....well? Considering other people's stories, I have it pretty good. My main ailments revolve around getting bigger, like hip pains, lower back pain, etc. My carpal tunnel in my wrist is flaring up but that could also be the week's worth of rain the northeast just got dumped. My fatigue has been horrible as each day I feel like I could sleep while walking... I guess that is natures way of prepping me for the next 20 years! I have made some adjustments lately so hopefully that improves. Overall I am lucky, I don't have the insomnia, overly frequent urination, heartburn, etc.

My other big symptom lately has been anxiety. As if it hasn't been "real" this whole time, it especially feels real now. IF she waits until full term, then we only have 3 weeks left, (actually by now its 2 weeks and 5 days!!) and thats if she doesn't come early, which she has shown signs of maybe wanting to. I'm thinking (at least hoping) that this is normal for moms this close to delivery to feel. Basically I can't decide what is scarier at this point, her being inside me or her being on the outside living with us.

Last Monday (again with the Monday's) she gave us another scare. I was having contractions on and off Sunday and then came down with this constant abdominal pain that wasn't going away. We figured it was likely the early stages of labor and we went to bed to get a good night's rest, thinking we'd be having a baby Monday. I tried working from home Monday but the pain continued although the contractions faded. I took a nap and the pain continued. I let the doctor know and she told me to rest and try a few stretches to get baby to move. I tried as best I could and went to a cardiology appt that I had, and when I left the cardiologist I just felt dizzy, out of it and still had the pain. I called the doctor again and was told to go to L&D triage. Well, long story short, 6 hours were spent in triage and we didn't leave until 11:30 pm. Our end diagnosis was "heartburn" and I was still in a LOT of pain. I knew it wasn't heartburn, I've had heartburn before throughout my life and know exactly what it feels like. This felt like I was wearing jeans just above my belly button that were way too tight and digging into me, even though there was nothing there. But we were exhausted, I was sore from laying on a stretcher, and were both starving. So we took the diagnosis and left. Tuesday I stayed home from work and rested, the pain continued. I tried yoga, hot shower, resting, lots of water...The pain slightly subsided. I went to get groceries and was practically gripping the shopping cart with white knuckles in pain. I went home and rested some more. Eventually the pain subsided on its own, but it really got me thinking, at what point do you really start raising the alarm? It's not just me and my body anymore, I am a mom now and need to advocate for my daughter. At what point is it just to keep calling the doctors because you are in pain even though they diagnosed you with "heartburn"? I hate being "that" person that doctors roll their eyes at, but they're also not living in my body and feeling my pain. I know its not OK to listen to horror stories online, but how can you avoid them? I hear these stories of mom with weird symptoms that ended up being a matter of life or death for their baby, and they caught it just in time thanks to the mom continuously fighting for their unborn child. It really is hard knowing at what point to trust yourself or to just the doctors. I work in and receive healthcare from a state of the art hospital and healthcare system which I know is a blessing in comparison to other healthcare institutions in my area that I could not say the same for. But it is still terrifying.

So yeah, these last few weeks are anxiety driven as I worry for her health. I go weekly to the doctor and so much technology exists to monitor unborn children, but I know how fast things can take a turn for the worse.  I just am terrified I will miss a symptom and not know she's in danger. I've always been fascinated by healthcare technology and I want all the tests done because I want to know as much about her as possible! Her size, her weight, etc. She always passes her kick counts, but then there are those days where she just isn't moving as much and you can see the anxiety all over my face and my tensed body on those days. I just have had horrible nightmares of her not making it or something horribly wrong with her health and I cannot imagine coming all this way and not getting to meet her and bring her home. I just cannot.  I addressed these horrible fears with the doctor and she offered anti-anxiety medicine. As if. You would need to put me in a coma to get rid of my anxiety, and frankly I would think any new mom would say that! Its natural to be concerned, and I wouldn't want to be a happy go lucky zombie walking around thats not concerned about her child's health.

But that brings me to her being born! Let's skip over the whole labor and delivery part, I know thats full of many anxious thoughts I won't bring up now. Let's skip right to the day when we bring her home. I know my anxiety will continue. That's natural for a mom with a new baby. But being so close to this point, I am trying to visualize our life with a newborn and the next year ahead. I know our life will change drastically and its hard imagining those scenarios and how we will cope until we're in the middle of it living it. We both want to do everything right, but like any new parent, we also have no idea what we are doing. I'm not sure yet how I am going to sleep, especially that first week, and trust that she's okay, alive and breathing. I remember babysitting infants and sometimes would just watch them breathe as they slept to ensure they were okay. But I hope that anxiety fades in time. But even the years to come, It's going to be hard controlling my anxiety with any ailment the child has. She will cough and I will be worried its tuberculosis. Okay thats extreme, but you get my point. With my huge imagination mixed with my anxiety, you can probably guess I've always been a little bit of a hypochondriac myself. And this extends to those I love also. When my husband has a health issue or a close family member, I always feel like I need to err on the side of caution and I think of all the horrible things it could be. I think this stems from a fear of guilt, from imagining if I were wrong or downplayed their concerns or symptoms and then it ended up being something deadly or serious. I think the same thing applies with my future child. As a nurse myself, I fear that if I downplay their symptom, what If it does turn out to be very serious and I ignored it?

We have picked out our pediatrician and he has helped to ease my anxiety. He has been in practice for almost 30 years and seems to really know his stuff and has good instinct. I trust that and hope we will be a good match.

Overall, we cannot wait to meet her. To see what she looks like. To bring her home and start living our lives as a family of three (6 with the pets!) and to start seeing and experiences those miracles and her milestones.  We can't wait to start living life through her eyes and experiencing all life has to offer with a child, showing her all the things we love. But I know the next couple months are going to be the most challenging of them all also. We are very blessed to have a lot of support with friends and family very close by and just a text or call away, so I am thankful for that.


Thank you for sticking with it with a long post with me. It helps to just get all of this out, even just for my sanity! Now we are going to go on a walk :-)

Happy Saturday!

Love, the New Motherboard. <3

Creating Her Nursery

Hello!

We are officially "near term" at 36 weeks! So if labor started now, theres no delaying or prolonging it! Thats insane. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Each milestone in the pregnancy, from finding we were pregnant December 11th, 2017 today feels so long ago yet like yesterday at the same time.

She gave us a little bit of a scare last Monday when I started having contractions bad enough that seemed worth calling the doctor for. The doctor sends me to L&D triage, who at first pretty much brushed us off as totally fine but thought we could run some tests anyway. Turns out contractions were real, coming at around every 10 minutes or so and I was 1cm dilated, 80% effaced! For those not familiar with these terms (I really wasn't either til last Monday), the baby is ready to start pushing out at 10 cm. Effacement goes up to 100% and is speaking of how thin your cervix is. The thinner it is, (100%), the closer you are til baby comes out. So I seemed to be in questionable labor. We waited and waited longer in triage to see if I would progress (even got a hot stylish gown and robe and we walked the hallways) but alas, we did not progress and actually the contractions seemed to have stopped on their own. Baby Tan was like, wait no- Nevermind- not ready yet! So home we went. Ever since then we sort of have had whipped our butts into gear to finalize getting ready for babies arrival.

So that brings me to my topic, the progress of our nursery being put together!

Creating the art was one of my favorite parts. We chose a theme of Disney's Frozen, as we both are pretty big Disney nerds, we both like it cold (no really she's gonna get used to being chilly quick so we may as well put snowflakes in her room), and we love Anna, Elsa, Sven and Olaf. We also had to buy the paint when it was on sale, and at the time did not know the gender yet. We genuinely guessed it was a boy so we went with blue, and thought if it was a girl we can girly it up with a feminine touches throughout the room.

So with the frozen theme I wanted to create portraits of those favorite four characters. Here is the beginning of each and the ending:

Anna:

Elsa:





Sven:

Olaf:

 



The rest involved a little more hands on construction. When we moved in, the room that we converted to the nursery was a spare bedroom that likely hadn't been updated since the house was built in 1987. The carpet was stained, smelled, the paint was just a base white, and it just lacked any personality. Also the fan on top looked to be original with the house also!

So out came the carpet, in went the laminate floor, and painted the walls:

Then came the furniture (only minor amounts of cursing and tantrums involved), and decorations, and we have a finished product!! Special parts of this photo: The quilt atop our changing table is made by my very talented friend Jess who makes thousands of quilts and I am honored to have our little girl grow up with her own! Its designed to be Anna's dress and the back of it is Elsa's (we plan to rotate). Check out her website here: The Quilty Habit

The artwork:

The closet! A little messy right now as we are still organizing what goes where...

The crib! Next to it is a very special gift, Jasper. I grew up with Jasper! My grandpa made it for me when I was about 2 years old and It has stayed with me my whole life. It then stayed at my parents house when I moved out, and my mother gifted it to me (well, my daughter) now at her baby shower. Now she can grow up with it, and hopefully pass it along to her child also one day. Very special!

We are so lucky and so blessed to have been gifted with so many wonderful additions to the nursery, our baby girl is so lucky to have so many friends and family that love her so much! We also were very fortunate to be pregnant when Babies R Us is going out of business and we got much of the furniture brand new at a very discounted price! Can't beat it.

Few more additions coming as we finish up some more pieces of artwork for her, and I can't wait to show you!

We are absolutely stoked to meet her and can't wait. Although the calendar states we have to wait four weeks, I think it will be more like 2! But we will see!

With love,

The New Motherboard <3