Thankful

Hello!

It's Thanksgiving today! Abby's first Thanksgiving! The season all about giving thanks and reflecting. I used to always write a thanksgiving post on my old blog so I wanted to continue here!


This year more so than any year prior, I have so much to be thankful for, every single day, not just Thanksgiving.

This time last year on Thanksgiving, I woke up to a phone call. We were supposed to be getting ready soon to go to my alma mater's big Thanksgiving day football game, but instead my grandma was calling me- She was in excruciating pain and wanted to go to the ER. So I jumped out of bed, threw on clothes and ate a pop tart in the car on the way there, and I quickly brought my grandma to the ER on Thanksgiving.

Well, ER visits usually always mean hours of waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for answers, waiting to be seen, etc. So this means we had lots of time for talking. The reason I tell you this story is that my grandma and I specifically had a conversation about how sad I was that my husband and I hadn't been able to conceive yet. That we had been trying for 2 years and seeing negative pregnancy test after another was becoming heartbreaking. I wanted so much for my grandma to be able to have a great grandchild. She heard me vent it all out and we talked that day of other options for us. We could adopt, but it was so expensive, the system seemed backwards. We could look into surrogacy or IVF (I *Really* didn't want to explore IVF).  But after talking some options over, we left it at a hopeless shrug and figured we would resume the conversation another time.

Little did I know, that it turns out that at that very moment, I was probably about 2 weeks pregnant!!

We found out the morning of December 11th, 2017, about 2 weeks after Thanksgiving day. I was having random pelvic pains and as I got ready for the morning, I figured I would just take another test like all the others. I honestly was expecting another negative and when I saw the two lines I was speechless. I held it in my hands like an egg and called out my husbands name in shock. He was half asleep still but heard the alarm in my voice. When he saw me looking at the test in my hands, he knew. We embraced in a hug in complete shock and laughed and cried!!!

From that day forward, I was so very thankful. And terrified. Excited. Nervous. Jittery. Hopeful. Happy. Everything!! We were finally pregnant! I was so nervous and didn't want to let myself get too excited, I was so afraid we were going to lose the pregnancy because it took us a few years to get pregnant. I didn't want my heart to break by letting myself get too excited over it. But each day, each week, each month, we made it another and she was born!

Every day with my daughter is a day I cherish. I know I sound corny, as all parents feel this way, but it's true. She makes me smile every single day. Sure some moments are trying and challenging, but it's all a learning experience. Even on the moments that have been hard, she still makes my heart smile. I know she's smart and it's amazing watching her take in information and figure out what to do with what she's learning. She sees us now and smiles, she recognizes us and laughs. So, I am thankful for each day we have had together so far and may God bless an eternity more together.

But that's not all I am thankful for, of course. My husband has been a true savior and an absolutely amazing father. Fatherhood seems to have come completely natural to him, and some of my favorite moments involve just watching them together. It is astonishing seeing the man I spent 6 years with just him and I together, transform into this amazing father. He has truly stepped up to the plate to take care of so much. I can tell he cherishes moments with her when he can just hold her and hug her. He loves to talk to her, read her books, play her music and show her everything he loves.  I know reading parenting forums on the internet can be a dark place full of lots of scary information, but from what I have read from other moms out there in the world, they can't say they are in the same place. Many moms have had the baby's father leave, unknown in the picture, or abuse them or the child, do harmful things, not be present, not be helpful, etc. It's terrible what some people are like out there and each day I wonder how I got so incredibly lucky to find and marry such a man as this that is such an amazing husband and father. I can't wait to keep watching them together!  I am also of course so thankful that my grandmother did get to become a great grandmother after all! Seeing her marvel over Abby when she holds her in her arms is one of life's most wonderful moments.

Of course I am thankful for both of our families and parents. They are all absolutely in heaven that they are all grandparents. I am thankful we can keep Abby out of daycare because my husbands mom has chosen to retire and take on taking care of Abby full time. This is amazing as Abby can spend each day with family that loves her more than anything, I feel better knowing where she is and can check on her anytime and be a part of her daily routine still.

Seeing my own father especially transform into grandfather-hood has also been astonishing to see. Going from my stern father that always knows what to do and is there for all the dad stuff, has become someone totally different when he holds Abby in his arms. The love between them already is undeniable. Just last night together we all had this amazing moment where he was able to make Abby laugh multiple times by having her copy him. It was amazing to watch!

I am thankful for our three pets! After going through the tragic heartbreak of losing a cat way too young to a severe illness, each day I am thankful for the three pets we have, Belle (cat-5), Maui (cat-1) and Daisy (Dog-2). They are INSANE and often times I spend more time wondering why they challenge me more than my newborn daughter, but I still love them. They LOVE Abby and Daisy the dog wants to be near her all the time. Which makes sense, as Daisy always used to lay on my belly when I was pregnant so they got to know each other early.

I am thankful my family is healthy. Each day we can make it through another day healthy is a good day, and I pray we can say this every year.

I am thankful for a beautiful house that keeps us warm and safe in a safe neighborhood.

I am thankful to all my friends and extended family that have offered their help in our new parenthood journey and nothing has gone unnoticed. We love you all and are so thankful.

I am thankful I have a great job that not just pays the bills but excites me and makes me invigorated to help make a difference in the healthcare industry.


I am thankful, most of all, for each day given to us. Call out the corny, go ahead, but truly, parenthood has shown me that each and every day is a treasure and a gift. It could all be taken away in a second, in one moment, and for that I am thankful for each day given to us.

And I am thankful to all of you who choose to read this! Thank you!

Love,

The New Motherboard <3

One Journey Ends, Another Begins...

Hello! 

Well, my journey as a stay at home mommy on maternity leave has sadly come to a close. My first week back to work has been very interesting in many ways and I hope other new moms or any mom reading this can relate. 

I prepped for my first day back mentally about 2 weeks and physically for about a week. I pretty much emotionally prepped by working through the five stages of grief: 

Denial - I don’t really I have to go back . I can do something else. We can start up a lemonade stand. We can do anything else. We can live off husbands income! I’m never going back! 

Anger - I can’t believe I actually have to go back. Lemonade stand fell through and we can’t live off husbands income. I’m so mad I have to go back this is awful. The United States is awful, we are one of the only countries without guaranteed maternity leave and if that only get up to 12 weeks!! Sweden gets a YEAR!

Bargaining - what if I go back part time? Part time income, part time with little one? Can we afford if I stay out another month but still go back later? Let’s move to Sweden. We can move to Sweden, right? 

Depression- we can’t afford to do anything besides me going back full time and this makes me so sad to leave my little one and I want to cry. 

Acceptance - I’m going to make the best of it, be a better person and learn new things. Little one is in good hands. Plus, 8 hours without throw up on my shirt 5 days a week, yay! 

Prepping things, coming up with a plan, getting in the right state of mind, figuring out my pumping plan... my first day I literally remembered everything and felt like a rockstar, except forgot my work ID which is quite possibly the most important thing. Nothing like a first day back to work without turning back to go home to get something, right?? By the time I made it back to the office I had spilled water and coffee on my seat, but was still determined to try and have a good day. I swear I looked like I was about to board an airplane with as many bags I was carrying more so than just working 8 hours. The amount of things I have to carry to work 8 hours: 

• pumping bag (pump, pump supplies, pump charger, a spare shirt and bra, Motrin, tums, pads, my wallet and other misc items 
• My work bag (laptop, notebook, pens, misc items) 
• My lunch bag 
• Either I hold my water yeti and coffee or put them in their own bag too. 
• Anything else I need that day (ie bringing supplies to my new desk 

It’s pretty insane. 

It’s a whole new experience now working. Every day requires so much more planning than the regular just going to work and back. Now we plan how we attack the middle of the night baby wake ups, we plan to a science how early we get up to get our little ready and fed, and ourselves ready and fed. (By the way, FIRST lesson learned: don’t put a nice work shirt on til after you and baby depart!!! Work shirt down on day one within 15 minutes of it being on, lol). Then within the work day itself I can’t just focus on my job as I have to carefully navigate to an exact science when I should pump. Then pumping is this entire production. On day one I tried pumping three times to match my babies three feedings per day, til I got home and realized I literally had nothing left. Since then I’m now pumping early in the am when she feeds on one breast I pump the other, which gets me the first bottle and I only have to pump two more that day. 

Then coming home, we now have to plan who is getting her and when, what else do we have to do that night, until finally it’s time to go to bed and we are all exhausted. All of the sudden, as I tried scheduling a hair appointment after work for the week, I realized I felt trapped like I couldn’t go anywhere on weeknights alone without baby. Part of me felt guilty for wanting to since I had just been away from baby all day and the other part of me doesn’t want her having any more bottles than she has to when I could feed her from the breast as much as I possibly can. But in order to survive I know I will have to leave on some nights, even if it’s just those random mommy trips to target. 

I asked my friend Tuesday if I am a bad mommy for coming home after my first day and thinking , was this all a mistake? Can I really do this? Who was I to think we could grow our family and work full time? How do millions of parents do this??? This is downright exhausting. I felt like I put my entire self and soul into surviving day one and then realized I had to do 4 more. And then all again the week after that. And the week after that, until forever. But... I persevered and took each day one at a time (sometimes each hour at s time) until it was friday. But let me tell you, it still felt like each day was an eternity and the week took a year to complete. I hope it gets better but I know many moms that will say it won’t! I remember asking my friend something indicating I thought it was Friday, and she corrected me saying today was Thursday and I was confused for a good 10 seconds, and thought out loud, “oh my god it’s still Thursday??” It’s been weird. 

What I can say though is coming home to my little one and her unbelievable eyes and her smile and laugh makes it ALL worth it. I have to remind myself that me doing it all is all for her now, every minute of it is for her well being. But I miss her every day so much. I am very lucky to be blessed enough that her nana is caring for her so I can work rest assured that she is in good hands all day, so that helps this process immensely. 

What also helps is my incredible husband. Without his help I don’t think I would be able to think straight or stay sane. He has been so supportive of all my emotional fears as I prepped for work, a great ear for all my venting, has been so helpful with little one as we get ready in the mornings. Seeing them together is my entire world all in one, and makes me smile so much. 

It also helps very much that my work friends have been so supportive during this transition, much more than I ever expected. From decorating my work desk for me to lots of friends IMing me or coming to say hi and that they are glad I’m back makes it all so much more bearable. 

I do love what I do and that helps. I have a lot of dreams and coming back to work now I feel fresh with a blank slate and am determined to take real concrete steps now to better myself to move forward in what I want in my career, not just stay horizontal. I’m going to make changes in what I want to get my graduate degree in so that I can reach that ultimate dream. Life is too short to not do what you are truly passionate about. I want to teach my daughter that we need to work hard to achieve a life we want and anything is within reach if you reach high enough. Ugh, I sound like an 8th grade poster. Sorry. But seriously. 

I also realized this week that I want to write a children’s book (on the side) so I will be working on that. I eventually want my daughter to help in writing that book(s)  with me. If it’s successful, great. If we just get it printed and we are proud of it and it sells one copy to ourselves, that’s great too because we did it and it’s for us. 

These past two weeks As I have emotionally prepped for work I have really noticed something else new in me. When I’m in a moment where things are just really good, like really good in that moment, I work really hard to store everything about that moment in my memory. The smells, the sounds, the air, the feels, everything. Being amongst so much emotional turmoil in this transition has taught me to recognize those moments and how fleeting and rare they are and to appreciate them to their fullest because we don’t know when the next one could come.  

Well, time to start prepping for week number 2. Here goes!

Thank you for reading, 

The New Motherboard