Year One in the Books

Dear Abigail,
Today you are exactly one year old.

You know, as you get old you will probably hear the saying that time flies by. Well, it does in a way. However, the days can be long but the months and the years go by fast.

You make it possible for one year ago to feel like yesterday but also an eternity ago. Seeing the difference you have made in not only myself, your father but also seeing you grow has been remarkable.

364 days ago, a day after you were born, your daddy and I were in the hospital with you at around 11pm and you were screaming your little head off and we looked at each other, terrified, thinking, what have we done?! She won’t stop crying! Breastfeeding was harder than I thought it would be and hurt. That first day you came home with us I had no idea what we were supposed to DO with you. I remember desperately wanting to go take a nap and leaving you with daddy, and yet I couldn’t sleep because I was still learning how to sleep with one ear open.

That first night you spent in our house I think mommy and daddy both took shifts sleeping downstairs in that bassinet you liked so much on top of the pack n play.

Mommy and daddy learned pretty fast how to clean poopy out of onesies (and just throw some away), go out in public with a baby, give a baby a bath, and live on very little sleep!

I loved our time together during maternity leave, but I am glad I had 3 weddings worth of picture editing to keep me busy, because I also learned I am not the type to just stay home all day. And you honestly didn’t too much besides nap, poop, tummy time and eat! But you already loved music and would love to spend some time in your swing listening to Disney castle shows on YouTube.

Going back to work was easy for me because I knew you were always in good hands with your Nana. Having a blank slate for me going back to work was something I really needed in my career, allowing me to see things in a different way and attack things with a new passion and vengeance. It was a hard adjustment learning to get through days without naps and snuggles and learning to pump at work.

The holidays were fun but exhausting. Halloween you were Wonder Woman, because to me, you were MY Wonder Woman and I think you’ll officially grow into that role. Thanksgiving and Christmas were certainly an experience and full of lots of love. You were about 3-4 months old and still too little to enjoy any good holiday food.

The winter was fun, seeing you see snow for the first time. You seemed to like it but were a little young yet to really quite grasp that it was something different. There were a few cold nights that mommy and daddy were anxious and had first parent syndrome worried about how cold your nursery was (even one night we brought you in our room in your pack and play and ran a space heater!) In our defense, it did get down to single digits here!

I started going back to school for my Masters in Predictive Analytics (hopefully by the time you read this in a few years I am done and doing a crazy cool job! I’ll tell you all about it!) which allows me to follow my true passion. Sometimes I think I am crazy going back to school with a baby under one, but Abigail, you’ve inspired me to do better. YOU have inspired me to BE better. That life is short. To get out there and GET IT DONE. Because having a baby shouldn’t squash your dreams but only augment them and inspire you to go chase your dreams even more. Abigail, I want you to know that you can follow your passion anytime you want and be whoever you want to be. Let me say it louder for the people in the back, you can be WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE. I will always be on your side and your number one supporter.

This spring was when you really started showing your personality, learning commands and making signs back to us that we taught you. Your first sign was for milk! Mommy took her first work trip away from you and it was super hard! But Daddy was a superhero and survived the week with flying colors with you! A few weeks later in May we took our first trip to the beach to Ocean City, NJ with your nana and pop-pop and had a lot of fun!

This summer you started crawling, or rather, inchworming. You love to play, and are so good at independent play. You love to read books and will sit on the floor for quite some time reading through your books. You also love activity centers or anything that plays music. You love playing with your doggie sister Daisy, and have learned how to "pet nice". Daisy even helps you clean up all your food you throw off your high chair and even clean up anything left on your face!

In August we went to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina with your grandma , grandpa, Aunt Alli and Rob. That was fun and it was quite the experience getting to see you play on the beach and in the water (you LOVE LOVE LOVE to splash in the water).

Tonight we are two nights away from celebrating your first birthday with all of the family and friends that love you so much and I can’t wait. Even though you won’t remember it, I hope you have a fun day.

I have overcome a lot of anxiety this year and still have a ways to go. I used to be terrified of the toddler years to come, and still am ( a little) but I have this overwhelming sense that based on your personality so far, you are going to be a calm child. You are incredibly curious and if anything, that will be what we have to monitor! You love to open things and see what happens when you do things so I am sure we will all find ours selves in trouble soon. So instead of fearing the toddler years, I am actually excited. As much as I LOVE baby snuggles and always will, I am so ready to hear you talk, answer your questions, play games with you, make artwork with you, show you all the Disney movies I love, and continue seeing you grow and learn.

Some days you make me feel like I’ve got this parenting thing down and we are all doing great, and other days you have me doubting my entire sense of judgment, self and decision making. I think this will be the pattern for quite awhile and thats okay! I keep reminding myself that all I need to do is show up every day, do my best and just keep trying. Be grateful for what I have and focus on today.
I’m excited for what the rest of 2019 and 2020 have in store for you and our family. I can’t wait to see you start walking within the next couple months.

I hope one day you will read all these entries and know how much I love you now, and forever more. I love you to the moon and back. Your smile brings light into my life and your laughter is so contagious.

The other day I was driving and a song came on that gave me goosebumps because each word rang so true in my heart. So I’d like to share it here.

"The Mother"
Brandi Carlile
Welcome to the end of being alone inside your mind
You're tethered to another and you're worried all the time
You always knew the melody but you never heard it rhyme
She's fair and she is quiet, Lord, she doesn't look like me
She made me love the morning, she's a holiday at sea
The New York streets are busy as they always used to be
But I am the mother of Evangeline
The first things that she took from me were selfishness and sleep
She broke a thousand heirlooms I was never meant to keep
She filled my life with color, canceled plans, and trashed my car
But none of that was ever who we are
Outside of my windows are the mountains and the snow
I'll hold you while you're sleeping and I wish that I could go
All my rowdy friends are out accomplishing their dreams
But I am the mother of Evangeline
And they've still got their morning paper and their coffee and their time
And they still enjoy their evenings with the skeptics and the wine
Oh, but all the wonders I have seen, I will see a second time
From inside of the ages through your eyes
You are not an accident where no one thought it through
The world has stood against us, made us mean to fight for you
And when we chose your name we knew that you'd fight the power too
You're nothing short of magical and beautiful to me
Oh, I'll never hit the big time without you
So they can keep their treasure and their ties to the machine
'Cause I am the mother of Evangeline

Thank you, and goodnight all. Thank you for reading!