The Piece You Made With Me

Almost exactly a year ago to this day, I began a new hobby. Prior to that, when making a Christmas list for Christmas 2017, I thought, hey cross stitching looks fun, (and much to my wrong thinking, looks easy). So I picked out a completely random set on Amazon and put it on my list. My husband got me the kit for that Christmas. Right around this time exactly, last January, I was nauseous a lot in the early stages of the pregnancy and I was looking for something to keep my mind off it, especially at nights after work. So I got out the kit and started one night. I had no idea what I was doing and quickly learned this was not going to be easy. I read the directions, and I shook my head and thought to myself, no way. I can’t figure this out. I put the directions back in the kit and resumed watching tv, giving up without even starting. I watched tv for about 5 more minutes, while I stared at the kit next to me on the couch. I picked up the kit again and thought, what the hell? I can at least try. So I got the kit back out, the thread, directions, etc. I still didn’t really know what I was doing. There were color codes for the thread and little numbers next to it like (1), (2), (3), etc., all the way up to 6. What did these mean?? I, of course, ignored it. I figured out the color code and pattern and I began to try and put the thread in the needle. Well, THAT took about 30 minutes my first time, and a lot of frustration (ALMOST leading to the whole thing going back in the kit). I started following the pattern and got about 20 or so stitches done....when the needle literally broke in half. That was it. No more. I was done. This was stupid and stupid to ask for, stupid to try, and it was all stupid. I was giving up. I put it all away again and tossed it aside.

The next night, I looked at the kit again and thought, what did I do wrong? I took it back out and looked at the directions again and saw it...(you professional cross stitchers out there will laugh at this, but remember, I had never done this), but I saw it! Those NUMBERS (1), (2), etc, were telling me how many individual threads were supposed to be used to indicate the thickness of the thread color! Dope me the first time put all six strands in which was way too thick! No wonder it was hard to thread my first time and the needle broke. So now, determined to succeed, I flipped the piece over and started again all over at the other corner and was on my way.

Over the next few nights, I began doing anywhere between 30-60 minutes every single night on this piece. And I made A LOT of mistakes, and still almost thought about giving up many times. It was humbling to work so hard and for so long to feel like I was making so little progress in comparison to the whole picture. But it also occurred to me that the struggles I was facing in the piece, had a strange metaphor to what was going on in my life at the time. I had just recently been asked to cover someone else’s job while they were on maternity leave, a job not only I had never done before, knew very little about, did not have the correct resources/clearances to do said job, had no training to do job, no preparation, and we had just gone live with a software that this job was right in the middle of it all. Oh, and I was in my own first trimester with Abby and nauseous, VERY nauseous, every single day. Needless to say, life was kind of a stressful mess! But as I sat there at night working on my piece, I felt that even though it felt I was making little progress in comparison to the entire huge piece that seemed like it would never get done, I could get one stitch done at a time. If I could make one stitch, that was one more stitch that I had the day prior and I would slowly make progress. And it hit me, that’s all I could do at my job to stay sane. If I could at least show up and get a little done each day, without stressing myself out about the "entire piece" then I could manage that. If I could figure out how to correct my mistakes and set backs in my cross stitch, then I could figure out how to move past challenges and set backs in my job, too. The stitch also provided a way for me to spend time at night not thinking about work and just relaxing throughout the pregnancy.

I continued on, every night, and my job began to let up. The person came back from leave and I finished that "duty", but then got asked to cover someone else’s maternity leave that had a similar job. Luckily I at least knew more about that persons job role and had prior experience in it, so I was a lot less stressed. I began to feel that as Abby was growing bigger in the womb, she was connected to the cross stitch as they began to grow together. We sat for hours on weeknights and weekends together, feeling her kick and getting through the nausea, migraines, etc, together, as we worked on the piece. It felt so good to see progress as I was starting to make out actual shapes, i.e. I made a tree! A fence! A shed! It’s actually looks like something! Each stitch I had worked so hard for, it was beginning to look like something!

But of course there were set backs. Not only hundreds of mistakes (I am still SO confused as to how I could possibly so diligently follow the pattern and yet was constantly running into errors!) but then there was the BIG set back. I was about to go on a work trip. I was packing for the trip and wanted to bring my cross stitch as something to do when I was alone in the hotel room at night, probably nauseous. I put it INSIDE my suitcase on top of all my stuff, I closed the lid but I hadn’t zippered the suitcase yet as I intended to still put a few last minute things in. I had a late day flight and that morning decided to take a nap before having to go to the airport. Well, right as I went in to go collect my suitcase before final preparations to leave for the airport, there my piece was, on the floor, shredded!!! My DOG, my sweet angel but PSYCHO dog who thinks she is a GOAT with how attracted to paper she is, had completely torn up my pattern. I sat down in tears after yelling at the dog and picked up my piece, which I thought was a complete goner. LUCKILY she SOMEHOW must not have been able to eat the piece itself and was just interested in the paper pattern sheet, which was now officially in shreds! So I still had my piece. I ordered a whole new kit on Amazon so that I could get a new pattern sheet. I had to sit there and cross out all the stitches I had already done and probably lost a good 2 weeks on the process. But, like other challenges, we persevered.

Then a complete new development happened. I was regularly posting updates on my piece on facebook, and my aunt had noticed something very peculiar. She picked up that the piece actually was a picture of a place. It was the Mabry mill along the Blue Ridge parkway in Virginia. All this time I thought it was just a pretty picture. Then for my aunt to recognize it and it was a real place!? What became even more goosebumpy, was that turns out, according to my Aunt and seconded by other family members, turns out the Mabry Mill on the Blue Ridge Parkway was one of my grandmothers FAVORITE places to visit when traveling. This really struck on a heartstring for me, as my grandmother had passed away 7 years ago. So to have completely randomly picked a cross stitch piece on Amazon, persevere through all the challenges and continue on, and then to realize it was a picture of my grandmothers favorite place? It felt like more than a coincidence. As I continued stitching every night, it felt like not only was I doing it with Abby in the womb, but also with my grandmother watching over my shoulder, too.

Here is the Mabry Mill in real life:

As we counted down the days to our due date, I tried desperately to finish before she came. I had this fear that once a new mom when she was born, I would never have time to do stitching ever again. I feared I had come so far, so close to finishing, only to let it sit unfinished for the next 20 years til I could pick it up again. I didn’t want to let myself down, Abby down, my grandmother down.
But, It was unrealistic. I couldn’t finish before she came. So she came! And yes, the first month or so of Abby being here, I didn’t touch it. For multiple reasons. I was too tired. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to focus on it, I couldn’t focus on it. I didn’t want to get the whole thing out and start stitching only to have her cry and I would have to put the whole thing away again. I wouldn’t label it as post partum depression, but the first month or so post partum, the whole artistic side of me kind of felt shut down. Like mom-mode was so dominant during that time, the tiredness, it all took over and I couldn’t possibly think about doing anything related to art, or my stitch.

After a month or so, I still didn’t want to stitch. Like, I really didn’t want to. I resented it. I felt pressure now to do it, like getting a masters dissertation done after years of procrastination. Now it just felt like something I felt pressured to do, because it had meant so much to me before the birth. But deep inside me, way deep deep down, I knew the answer to it all was to try. I had to try to finish.
So, very similar to how I started back in January 2018, one stitch at a time, I resumed again just so, one stitch at a time. And it did something miraculous. One stitch at a time, each stitch started rebuilding that part of my brain, the artistic side, the me side. It started pulling me out of the post partum funk, reminding me of who I am and what I like to do, and that it was OKAY to work on fun things even with a baby. So on maternity leave, while she napped, I got about an hour or so each day to continue working on it. In December 2018 I FINALLY got it done!

And you know what? There are SOOOOO many mistakes. Like, so, so, so many. Probably over a hundred. And of course one mistake leads to others, naturally, as the pattern has to rework itself. It’s a miracle it turned out even looking like something at all. But, you know what else? To me, its another metaphor about it all. It felt like a metaphor for MY OWN SELF. The mistakes is what made it perfect, to me. It made it unique, technically it was like no other piece, even if they had the same pattern. It was it's own snow flake. And the fact that there were so many mistakes but still came out to be beautiful, gave me hope that in my life there are so many mistakes that have happened over the years but that is what makes me who I am today. And its all still so beautiful. Deep.


So I look at the finished piece today, framed and in my living room as a daily reminder that:
1. Life is all about getting one stitch done at a time.
2. Mistakes are what make life beautiful.
3. Each challenge might seem insurmountable but is indeed eventually possible to overcome in some way.
4. My grandmother is still always watching over me.
5. Art, any kind of art, can help pull a new mom back to herself. Art can do wonderful things for the brain!

I hope to get to visit the Mabry mill in person one day! Life is short. Life is fascinating. It is a small, weird strange world. And I love it.

This piece is for my grandmother. This piece is for Abby. This piece is for me. 

Thank you for reading.

Here is the final piece:

Matrescence: A New Stage of Life

Hello everyone!

We are doing pretty great here. Little Abby is still growing like a champ and is 5 months old! It is fascinating watching her learn new skills and seeing progression and connections in her brain. Something she can't do one week, she might be able to do the next week. Her personality thus far is pretty calm and observant. She likes to play but also just enjoys watching every thing and every one. When she sits at a dinner table with me and lots of others, she doesn't want to be towards me on my shoulder, she wants to see everyone and be in the know of what's going on. I foresee her going on to be a very curious and observant child, similar to her parents!


Do you know what I find curious? The fact that when I write "Matrescence" it shows up with that ugly red line under it, indicating it's not a word. That's the problem. It needs to be a word. It needs to be a word just as much as "adolescence" is a word, or "adult". What is it? Dr. Alexander Sacks coined the term, meaning the stage in which a woman is transitioning to being a new mother. A woman goes through a lot of new, scary, different physiological and psychological feelings during this time that often times she is not prepared for. Everyone knows about "adolescence", the transition between childhood and adulthood, where emotions are all over the place, the body is changing uncontrollably, we act on impulses, our brain isn't quite working at capacity, and plenty is done to anticipate and treat these feelings to guide humans through this period. It's not a coincidence that she coined the term "Matrescence" to sound a lot like adolescence, because women are going through a lot of the same symptoms as developing teenagers! And yet no one warns us or guides us through this period.

Many people, including myself, are not aware of what the female body truly goes through after birth. Sure, there are plenty of resources to help us through the pregnancy, most females go see their OB at least once a month if not more when they are pregnant. Towards the end of pregnancy, a woman might be seeing her OB every one or two weeks even. Then when you get discharged from the hospital, boom- all these questions on your newly torn apart body and typically a woman doesn't see her doctor for six weeks. That was was first took me by surprise, I really don't see a doctor again for six weeks?? These six weeks start the woman's period of adjusting to not only caring for her new and changed body, but also a tiny human that depends not only on her love and care, but usually 100% nutrition as well. I had/still have a lot of questions!

Pregnant woman nowadays get bombarded with lots and lots of information about "Post Partum Depression (PPD)", so much so that I think most women can at least name three common symptoms of PPD and what to watch out for. But what if you don't have any of those symptoms, but something still doesn't feel right? THAT right there is Matresence! Because WHAT is "right"? Nothing! Our hormones are EVERYWHERE! Literally to this day, I will one moment feel overwhelming joy over something so incredibly stupid, and then within that same hour feel very sad for no reason. Something doesn't feel right because we are learning to navigate all of these new emotions, we are learning how to care 100% for another human, we are trying to learn what level of anxiety reaches past "new mom" and bleeds into "crazy". Life will never be the same, and new moms need time to mourn that. We love our babies more than words can possibly say, but it's still normal to need to mourn the life you had. And I think that right there is what women are afraid to do, afraid to admit that, to say it out loud. They are afraid of coming across as unappreciative of the brand new baby they are blessed with, and that is simply not true!  Sure, I can admit I miss being able to just "go to the movies" with my husband without having to get an available babysitter. I miss being able to plan a vacation without worrying/wondering/taking into account everything we will need to bring and do with the baby. I miss lots of things we used to have. But you know what? I can't imagine life any differently. I know that sounds cheesy, and thats fine. But even as much as I mourn our old life at times, I wouldn't trade our new lives for anything. I've often thought, even if someone offered to take her for a weekend and we had a getaway, I still wouldn't enjoy it because I would miss my baby so much. I miss our old life but I don't want it back, ever. This is life now and although it brings new challenges every second of every day, it is amazing every second of every day. And I know I'm not the only mom to feel all this, and that is confusing to process through that for many women. It’s okay to mourn your old life and still love your new one, even if your new one is very confusing. New moms feel the pressure to post on social media how WONDERFUL this new time is and how GREAT everything is and how things are simply amazing, when we all know that is only a small percent of how life actually is as a new mom.  It is okay to tell someone your real feelings. I do, highly suggest, if you have the means to- to enjoy date nights. There is no shame in leaving your baby with a responsible sitter (babies grandparents, aunts/uncles, close friends) so that you and your spouse can go out to eat without worrying about the baby crying in the restaurant. Go see a movie. Go for a massage. Sure, you'll miss your baby and you'll probably text the sitter to see how they're doing every 10 minutes, but you'll still enjoy that time for just you. I also highly recommend either making sure you find time to do the hobbies you used to love, or find a new one and forcing yourself to commit to doing that hobby a few times a week. Hell, even if its just once a week. Give yourself that time. Hubby got me the most amazing gift for Christmas, a ping pong table- Which has allowed me to take 30 minutes a night to play with him after baby goes to bed. I get some exercise, we laugh our butts off, and I get my mind off everything that’s weighing on me.

I would say that for me, the hardest emotional part about Matrescence has been the anxiety. Anxiety about everything. Anxiety about whether or not I'm a good mom. Am I doing everything right? Is she sleeping okay? Is she eating enough? Am I setting her up for dependence? Am I spoiling her? Am I giving her enough attention? Am I calling the pediatrician too much? Am I calling the pediatrician enough?? I worry about infancy and toddlerhood. I worry if I have what it takes to handle a toddler. I worry about the future grocery store meltdowns, even though I KNOW thats a few years away yet.  I find myself with a lot of anxiety overnight worrying about SIDS, worrying if she's too cold, if she's hungry. Just because of the way our set up is, my spouse and I sleep with the baby monitor on my side. So I feel extra responsible to make sure I sleep with one ear open and check on the video monitor if I hear anything. A few weeks ago, I found myself staring at the clock on our ceiling at somewhere near 2 AM, waiting, yearning, for the night to be over just so it would be day time and I would know that she's okay. I also caught myself frequently staring, literally staring at the monitor trying to pick up if she was breathing. It was then I knew I had to readjust my thinking. I've since then, and I have to try at this every day, all day, but to readjust my thinking to trust in God that she is OKAY. Matrescence also gives us something awesome- motherly instinct. I just have to trust in it. I have to believe that she's okay and stop worrying about what if I am wrong? I need to sleep at night and believe she's okay and sleeping too. She.Is.Okay.  When I find myself worrying nonstop about the future (I've even worried about her teenager years already, I know, its bad), I have to constantly remind myself to focus on today. Focus on right now. Do you have the most amazing baby now? Yes. Will this baby be extremely different tomorrow? Highly unlikely. We take it day by day and that is ALL we can do to survive. I have to remind myself that I will not be "handed" a toddler that is all of the sudden screaming on the floor of a grocery store. That toddler will be my child, the girl I know inside and out right now, and we will take it day by day. I have to believe that I will move past moments like that which scare me about the future.

Five months out, I am still discovering new physical symptoms of Matrescence. How about the hair loss?? WHOA. Everyone tells you your hair will grow faster during pregnancy and become more voluminous, but they usually forget to warn you that it.will.all.fall.out! Seriously, I am wondering how I will have any strands of hair left whenever it feels like it is done with this stage! Granted, in perspective, it's probably just returning to my normal pre-pregnancy head of hair, but when you pull locks of hair off your head just from combing your hands through your hair in the shower, you feel alarmed.

Oh, and frankly, I don't think it matters if you've done 1 "Kegel" in your pregnancy or 100 Kegels a day, you're gonna pee when you sneeze now. Guess that's a new thing we get to do.

No one talks about the weight adjustment. Sure, the online forums discuss it, amongst thousands of other brand new mothers, also going through Matrescence. Doctors encourage breastfeeding as one of the perks being "the weight will fall off". Granted that's not the exclusive reason I chose to breastfeed, but it certainly was an attractive perk! I believed it too, watching the weight indeed "fall off" for the first two weeks postpartum. And then.....nothing. Literally have been toggling between 3 +/- pounds since then. I joined weight watchers (now known as WW) because although lots and lots of people say "give it time", "let your body adjust", I just got really tired of feeling not like myself in my own skin. I've lost 4 more pounds so far on WW but it has been HARD and a trial and error process, trying to eat "enough" to keep up the breastmilk supply but also don't eat too much so that you lose weight. The first week I lost 3 pounds but I didn't use any of my "extra" points, I stuck to my allotted daily points. But my breastmilk supply tanked. This week I am using those extras, and my supply is doing better, but I haven't lost more than 1 pound. So, it's a process. The only thing I am happy I can take away from WW is learning to make better choices to replace some junk I was eating and I certainly FEEL better, which is what really counts, not the scale number. I know that. I can run up flights of stairs without needing a few minutes to catch my breath. I enjoy seeking out exercise opportunities so I can track my "fit-points".

No one warns you how hard it is to pump at work, to work every day to make sure your supply is up and healthy. No one warns you about the anxiety, the gut wrenching feeling when you only pump a few ounces in a sitting vs your usual. I, in addition to what I hope is millions of other new moms, thought that breastfeeding and pumping was straightforward- you just get milk out and feed your baby. WHO KNEW that your supply can decrease and increase based on what you eat and drink? I know this seems absurd, truly, but if we were existing in a post-apocalyptic world, I used to think- hey, at least I can always feed my baby through breastfeeding! But no. I never knew that in order to do that, I'd have to steal everyone's food and water to make sure I can feed my baby!


Well, my time limit is up to blog during her nap time. My main goals in writing this post is to get the word out about Matrescence (get more google hits on it!), and to show any other new moms that what they are going through emotionally and physically is OKAY. It may not be what everyone else is going through exactly, as we all have very different lives, situations, spouses, and babies, but just know that we are all in this together. Use each other and talk it out, with anyone. Oh, and stay off the internet, its terrifying and has greatly contributed to my new mom anxiety.

I am now going to get little one up, and enjoy Sunday night football by our fireplace with my spouse and Abby! It's the little moments like those to keep you going through the scary ones! Hold on to that! <3


Love, the New Motherboard


If you are interested in more resources about Matrescence, check these out:

Alexandra Sacks, M.D.

Matrescence- What Is It?

Why we need the word Matrescence

SomeSuchStories